What does it all mean?

Been a while... hasn't it?

While staring at my blog for a few minutes, it occurred to me that that some might be confused by the title of my blog. I mean, most of the time, we hear 'rebellious child' in some negative connotation... but really, does it have to be a negative trait? I mean, the definition of the word suggests no negative connotation...

rebellious: defying or resisting some established authority, government, or tradition

...and yet, we read 'rebellious child' and jump to negative conclusions. I have been guilty of this same negative conclusion and have beat myself up for YEARS, because I have always had 'issues' with rebellion.

But at 35 yrs of age, what exactly am I rebelling against? Well, if you must know, the only rebellion I consistently engage in is rebellion against tradition & stupidity. I can't really see a whole lot of negative in rebelling against those things... and I will not continue to apologize for the choices I have made 'rebelling' against tradition.

Begin soapbox-- My heart hurts for the women who have stayed in oppressive marriages, because the people who are supposed to support them have told them things like 'our family doesn't get divorces' or 'God doesn't believe in divorce.' Um... hello?!?! What are you saying with those statements? That family tradition is more important than the mental health and well being of your child and grandchildren? Or maybe that God would like that woman to stay in a relationship that is so toxic people are afraid to come visit? All for the sake of tradition? Um... no thank you. I will not continue to be beat down by my family, both biological & spiritual,  for leaving a toxic/abusive marriage and moving on with my life. I may not have handled everything in the way that those around me would have, but it's been two years... get over it... I can only apologize so many times and I'm done.--End soapbox.
So for today & always, I will stand against traditions and stupidity & I will be proud of the spirit that either God gave me or my life circumstances created in me... I am a rebellious child...

Mornings...

I am suffering from that green eyed monster called jealousy right now...No, I'm not jealous over new cars or nice houses, I am jealous over my friend's peaceful mornings! No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot seem to run a peaceful, loving, caring house in the morning! Instead, I get a 10 yr old that has to be told 5000 times to put her shoes on and never gets bkfst & a 13 yr old that spends more time yelling & criticizing others than she does getting ready in the morning! I'm sure that if I were more 'hands on' in the morning it would help... but I refuse to dress the 10 yr old as she requests every morning!

What makes this even worse, is that mornings now are 10 times better than they were pre-Jasen...I mean he gets up & helps w/the girls (and brings me coffee), as opposed to my past who slept thru it all! And before I get 1000 bits of advice that are supp to make it all easier...we've tried getting Kali to pick out her clothes the night before...that really only helps if I were to just let her sleep in them! As for the yelling one, I guess when one if filled with anxiety about the terror of 7th grade, one can only be cranky! She's been given notice that children who yell at their parents walk to school, so maybe that'll make her reconsider her attitude!

Sigh... Will this ever get easier?!

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Summer Rain...

Seriously?!?! Another day of rain?!?!?! I thought I lived in Texas!!! AUGHHH!!! I understand that rain is good & that rain is necessary for growth and cleansing, but, um... I've had enough this summer!!! Not like my complaining will make it stop happening....

For those who read my last post and are wondering... Gpa didn't call. I finally called him and his new wife was sick, so he said we should try again another day, although he didn't set a day, so who knows when/if that will happen. I kind of wanted my family crap to be fixed before we head off to Michigan for 10 days.

Speaking of Michigan, soooo thankful that I have inlaws that are amazing!!! Jasen's parents are divorced and in different states, so I'm guaranteed at least two adventures a year out of the state of Texas, but they've also been quite loving an accepting of myself and my babies. I do find it rather ironic that the parents that are the most loving and accepting are the ones that aren't especially religious and the parents that have been the most unforgiving and unaccepting are the ones that are religious. Makes it quite difficult to argue for Christianity when the Christians in my life are causing the most hurt. Not that I've turned my back on Christianity at all (would hate for people to think that), but I've def struggled with it all for the last year & mainly due to how people in the church & in my own family have acted! Maybe we will just move to Michigan and be where the family that loves us regardless is! :)

Waiting for the phone to ring...

This weekend was my Gpa's 78th birthday! My mom had a bd party for him that I wasn't invited to, but my ex was. There have been lots of those occasions over the last year. Apparently, getting out of a toxic marriage is grounds for disownment in my family. I'm sooo very tired of having to explain myself & my action to people who obviously don't get it. My dad wants us all to just 'get along', but what he doesn't get is that by inviting the man who emotionally & verbally put me down for 14 years they are telling me exactly what they think of me. And quite honestly, not a week goes by that I don't wish the ex had just punched me, so my parents would actually recognize the abuse. It really sucks to be the black sheep, when all I did was leave an abusive marriage. (And yes, I did some things along the way I'm not proud of, but however illogical, it was my only way out!)

Sooo...now I sit here waiting for the phone to ring, because after a year of not talking to anyone in my family, I called my Gpa on Saturday & invited him to lunch today. He's supp to call me & set the time sometime this morning. Sooooo....let's see if the phone rings.



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Roadtrip

Currently in the van, on the way to Odessa, TX to see our favorite bands---The Dollyrots & Bowling for Soup! This makes roadtrip #6 of the summer & each roadtrip reminds me how lucky I am to have my amazing husband! I love that he has the desire & ability to just wake up on a Saturday morning & say 'hey, let's go to_____'!!! I grew up with a dad that didn't like traveling & I remember how frustrating that was for my mom~~~thank you honey for being willing to fill my need of impulsivity!

Oh & for this particular roadtrip, I got new shoes~~apparently cowboy boots are not the proper attire for a punk rock concert!



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Stupidity

There have been quite a few times lately that I have wanted to take my college students and to shake them until they open their eyes & see what it is they are doing wrong~~~~and up until tonight, I've done a pretty good job of only saying small comments to hopefully make them stop for a second & think....tonight, however, was a different story! Tonight I lost my cool & I unloaded with both barrels....and I'm hoping that they will listen! You see, the truth is, I've done all of these stupid things they are doing and I'd give anything to undo some of those choices! And quite frankly, it hurts my heart a little to see these beautiful young ladies make these choices, because in the end, they are going to find that the consequences are more than they ever would've imagined! So here's hoping the verbal lashing I gave actually did something! :(


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Best Friend

In the past, I never understood when my friends said that their spouses were their best friends. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wasn't exactly nice to people who said such things. I'd like to apologize for those commemts or thoughts....cuz I get it now. Jasen is my best friend...and it is an amazing feeling to go to sleep each night & wake up each morning beside my best friend and husband!



It just dawned on me that I never posted about the elopement!!! Augh!!! Too much to write on my phone! Memorial day weekend Jasen & I took a little trip to Vegas & became husband & wife! It was a virtually stress free wedding and I have never been happier! Here are some pics...



I really had a difficult time keeping a straight face! :)







One of my fave pics.







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um...been a while

Once again...it's been a while... and a lot has changed... most notable the empty space my ring finger has been filled by a pretty piece of jewelry...

Jasen asked me to marry him last Wednesday night while we were laying on the trampoline watching the night sky.... and since I'm wearing the ring, I guess everyone knows my answer! :) The girls are quite excited and have given us permission to elope (as long as they get a new dress when we get back!)

Sooo... any ideas for eloping?

Exercise

Ok, it's official---EXERCISE IS BAD FOR MY HEALTH!!! Not to be all whiney or anything, but seriously, I've done nothing but injure myself the last couple of days!!! Now, mind you, I've never been especially graceful, but something about exercise makes it worse! :( After my workout Tuesday, I bit it in my driveway---scraped up my left shin & right knee! Today, I had a treadmill accident and scraped up my right knee! One of my friends joked that a drug habit might be a safer way for me to lose weight---I'm beginning to think she's correct!!! (Just kidding, of course...sortof!)


And just to make you feel bad for laughing, here's a pic of my knees Tuesday! :-p

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How do y'all do it?

I have several friends that married accountants and I know they wait somewhat patiently for April 15th so that they get their husbands back---ladies, how in the world do you do it? My amazing bf, Jasen, is a plant man---works for a company that distributes veggies and herbs to stores in the Ft. Worth area. Plant season started in earnest about a week ago and I'm losing my mind missing him! :( So...any tips at all as to how to cope with the absence would be much appreciated!

Happiness...

Been a while since I posted...thought I would post the latest pic of me & Jasen! This is me blissfully happy! :) I'll have a deeper post later, but thought I would post this pic now! <3


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There's an app for that

My bf and I always joke about my iPhone and how there's an app for everything! Well, guess what? There's a blogger app!! Woohoo! This will make blogging sooooo much easier! :)

Here's another pic of me & Jasen! We went to Austin City Limits Music Festival together! It was awesome & this pic is after a day of rain!!!


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Catching Up...

Ok...so much has changed since my last posts.... Here goes the catch up...

After much marriage counseling, prayer, and tears Robert and I decided to end our marriage. By the time we are final it will have been 14 years of marriage. I know that this saddens many of you and there are tons of questions, but please know the decision was not made lightly and even the marriage counselor felt that we were making the right decision. You see, when you create patterns in a relationship that are unhealthy and somewhat abusive emotionally and verbally you create a relationship that cannot be fixed. So the paperwork has been filed, the property has been split, the custody has been worked out and I am moving on with my life--head held high because I know I did everything in my power to make things work and life is too short to be miserable!

Enough of the unhappy...let's move to the happy...

I had a very busy summer...if you are a facebook friend, you have seen all the updates and pictures as I have gone along, but if not, here are some pics for you! My babies have very much grown this summer! Megs turned 12 and these first two pictures are from Megs birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

Probably not the best picture of MEgs...but getting the girl to not act like a goof is sometimes next to impossible! She is turning into quite the character and I love her to death! Her sense of humor may be a little warped, but she keeps a smile on my face! Here she is trying to look like a moose... don't ask me why! (Her friend Sarah is in the black!)

Then there is Kali! Here she is with two of my adopted college kids--as they call themselves! Megan & Christy!
This final picture is one of my faves from just this last week. Meet my boyfriend Jasen.... It seems funny to talk about my divorce at the beginning and my new bf at the end of the post, but such is life and you must realize I haven't blogged since August and we are in October now! ;) I met Jasen last year and we were just friends for the longest time. He mowed my yard (or actually started the mower and emptied the bag because I wanted to mow), he let me cry on his shoulder when Robert was being not so amicable, he became my friend and supported me when so many in my life deserted. My daughters informed me this summer that Jasen had a crush on me and both wanted to know why I wouldn't date him. In all my stubbornness, I drug my feet about as long as humanly possible. When my marriage ended, I finally gave in... and have found the happiness that I really didn't think existed. This picture is from our trip to Alabama last week to meet his dad. At Thanksgiving we go to Michigan to meet his mom! I am very happy and so glad my daughters pushed me in his direction. There is a song by lady antebellum called Can't Take My Eyes Off You... and this is how I truly feel... if you have a few minutes... listen to the song! Not sure if it will embed, but I posted the hyperlink.

people watching...

I'm sitting at Hastings, in the coffee shop watching people instead of doing the work that I intended to do. As I sit here listening to conversations around the room, I am wondering how many people are actually their 'real' selves in these conversations. I was told by a friend that my blog is hard to read, because it isn't the 'real me'... and it made me question myself... do I sensor myself here? I didn't use to... I used to just put the words out, a little like word vomit, and not worry about what people thought, or who was reading or not reading... but I suspect that over time I have blogged less and less because I worry about what people will think about the 'real me' that is exposed when I truly express myself. But then again... who is the real me? Is it the fun-loving, risk-taking crazy girl that made an appearance this summer (I kind of liked her, although most of the 'serious' people in my life did not)? Is it the control-freak, serious yet sarcastic, easily stressed out mom/wife/woman that I was before that (I liked her too... never had to admit to failure, because I had it handled)? Or is the real-me the person I am right now as I sit on the couch at Hastings on the brink of tears stressed about the direction my life is headed? And if the later is the 'real me,' I'm not so sure I like myself. I mean, where is the strong woman who could handle everything.... the woman that didn't need anyone or anything to get through the day? Who is this person I am becoming? I don't want to need people... because people fail me. I don't want to need relationships... because relationships end. I don't want to trust... because people are untrustworthy. I know this approach to life isn't logical, but it has emerged over the years and this 'new me' is having a very difficult time not resorting back to the old ways of thought. How am I to trust, when the past has shown he is untrustworthy? How am I to depend on and lean on, when the past has shown he isn't strong enough to handle my baggage? How am I supposed to think of happily ever after and really believe it, when I know that all relationships come to an end? I guess I'll let you know when I figure all of this out...

RESPECT...

My counselor suggested a book this morning... for women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. As is my tendency, I brought the book home and have immersed myself in it, hoping to find wisdom and knowledge that will fix my marriage! Ch 1 was just a summary of what was to come... chapter 2: Your love is not enough is where the words of wisdom and the stepping of toes started for me! So... here are my afterthoughts from ch 2...

WOW! Who knew respect was sooo freakin' impt to the male species... I certainly didn't... or wait... maybe I did and that is why the little voice in the back of my head yelled "STOP...DON'T SAY IT" every time I started to say something negative or disrespectful about or to my husband. But, of course, I said whatever rude thing it was that I had to say, because I knew better and besides, should I really be listening to the voices in my head? The problem with all of this is something that I hadn't really considered... "feelings often follow words or actions"... so, for every disrespectful word I said about my husband I only furthered my disrespect of him in my own brain and heart. And honestly, can you love a man you do not respect? See the vicious cycle here?

The chapter talks alot about respecting your husband's judgement in matters of the home...which to me, means kids, finances, etc, etc. Ick... this is where the toe stepping started for me. When Robert and I got married, I deemed him incompetent of taking care of such things as finances etc. I mean, I had lived on my own for a year and he was moving straight from his mother's house to mine. When we had children, I was the mother and I made the decisions... I mean, what man really knows how to raise a child? geesh! Anyway, the result of all of this is 13 yrs of disrespect towards my husband. And let me mention here that there have been many times that Robert tried to take control of the finances, or tried to help with the children... and what did I do??? I did exactly what the book says not to do... I, in so many words, told him he was incompetent and emasculated him... sometimes in front of his friends and often in front of mine. (Are your toes hurting yet? Cuz mine are killing me!)

My ADHD mind is all over the place right now, and I'm probably making no sense whatsoever, but here are the main points from the chapter... I feel like I'm doing a book report, by the way...
1. Respect his judgement...
2. Respect his abilities...
3. Respect in communication...
4. Respect in public...
5. Respect in our assumptions...

I have failed miserably in all 5 of these categories of respect and as I thought about the examples she posted, I could see how my friends are failing miserably too! And honestly, it's no wonder that the marriage failure rate is 50% in this country.... ugh... and ouch... when off the top of my head I can come up with 10 examples of disrespect that I have seen in the last two days by people with happy marriages! Anyway, I'll post another blog about the next chapter I am sure... but for now I need to apologize to my hubs about some specific things of disrespect I have done...

The date I never thought would happen...

Here are the pics from my camera of date nite! We had a good time and we are both excited of the possibilities...

Pic from our date...

Here are the flowers the date started with!

Pic from our date

It's a little blurry....but here's the pic from our date! I love how
we matched! :)

Date Night

Tonight is the night...it is the night that I go on a date with my
husband for the first time since we separated. I am not sure why, but
I have all the butterflies I had when I first met him...and I think
that is great! We are going to eat dinner and then going to the Roger
Creager concert...keep your fingers crossed and your prayers lifted
that all goes well tonight!

Sent from my iPhone

Possibilities...

Robert and I had a long talk tonight and we are going to give it one more try... please keep us in your prayers as we go through this process. He is not moving back in or anything dramatic... we are starting slow.. with a date at the end of the week! =)