Pint3r3st

Oy. I know that for many of you, the sight of this screen





makes you think happy thoughts. I know this, because I have a teenager that is OBSESSED with Pint3rest. But, if I were to be honest, which I usually am, her continuous 'look at this' make me want to stab myself in the eyeball with a pencil.

It's not because she's looking at awful things either. She finds really awesome things on Pint3rest. The problem, for me, is that Pint3rest reminds me I suck at life. I mean, the recipes remind me I can't cook creatively & honestly, I probably wouldn't eat it if I made it & neither would my children (picky eaters). The crafty crap reminds me that I am somewhat lacking in the 'girl' skills required to be crafty. Last time I touched a glue gun, I burned myself. Pretty much every category causes me to have an 'I suck at life' reaction.

And let's talk about categories. What?!? Organization?! Who decides what goes in all of those categories? & how do I make my mind work like that?!??? I look at everyone else's boards & I'm always overwhelmed by the number of boards & the number of pins in each board. Can't I have one board where I put everything?? Why do I have to have multiple boards? As you can see, I have 5 boards:


1. Things my husband needs to make me---Code for these require tools I don't know how to use or attention to detail, which I do not do well.
2. My tummy wants these---Code for one of my friends that enjoys cooking needs to cook for me.
3. Fun hair---Code for oooo I wish I could, but I live in conservative hell & can't.
4. Things I might try---Code for & by me, I mean my child.
5. Things that make me laugh, cry, or think---Code for I will prob get in trouble for liking these.

Oy. Just posting those boards makes me want to run & throw up. I'm pretty sure a social media site shouldn't give me that reaction. Am I the only one that feels this way?!? Is there a cure?!? And if there's not, can one of you come sit & listen to my child's 'look at this' so I can quit wanting to stab my eyes out?

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R3ligious Philosophy

Had a student ask me my religious philosophy today & I had to stop & think about it for a sec. What is my philosophy?! I told him I'd get back to him, because 'don't be an asshole' didn't seem like an appropriate response, but after thinking about it all afternoon, I'm almost certain it is how I feel.

Let me explain... I spent a good portion of my life in churches of two very popular denominations being taught things that I just don't feel within myself are correct. I believe in music & it's ability to touch the soul. I believe STRONGLY that women can be called into ministry. And just like the views on interracial relationships has changed over the years, I think the view on homosexuality will too. I don't want our government passing laws based upon ANYONE'S religion & I'm very bothered by the amount of laws that seems to be because of religious influence (I mean, because buying beer at the grocery store AFTER church is so much more righteous than the person trying to buy beer at 10am)! I could probably write a novel about what else I believe that is different than what I was raised believing, but those are the high spots.

So. Back to my philosophy... Don't be an asshole pretty much covers it for me! Don't tell my daughters they are limited in serving God, because they are female! Don't tell them that they can't use their God-given musical talent, because God wouldn't appreciate it. Don't tell my child's friend that is struggling with sexuality that God didn't make him that way & we can pray away those desires & worsen a struggle that you can't possibly understand. Don't tell the wife in an abusive relationship that if she were a more Godly wife, her husband wouldn't act that way. My list could go on, but I think you get it.

Instead of all of the things listed & more here are some things we should be doing. LOVE ONE ANOTHER! I mean it is the greatest commandment, right?

Ok...enough ranting...


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A song...

http://open.spotify.com/track/7p7lNE4QGhtR3p4DokE0qP

Here are the lyrics to the song linked above. Megan found this song and showed it me. Her father doesn't have a drinking problem, but he does have an anger management problem and she has decided to quit seeing him. I will support her decision, because quite frankly, I'm tired of trying to repair her self esteem after he's torn her down! I don't know if he will fight her decision, but if he does, I will be behind her & will help her fight. No little girl should have to feel like this!

For The Love Of A Daughter lyrics

Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
You're selfish hands always expecting more
Am I your child or just a charity ward

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

Oh father
Please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father
Please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
Oh

It's been five years
Since we've spoken last
And you can't take back
What we never had

Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times
Before even I love you
Starts to sound like a lie

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest

I try so hard to fight it
But it's
hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

Oh father
Please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father
Please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you push me out of your world
Lie to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you loved

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you throw me right out of your world
So young when the pain had begun
Now forever afraid of being loved
Oh father
Please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father
Oh father
Please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
For the love of a daughter


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Pouty and Insubordinate

Hi...my name is Jessica...I am losing my mind... 


You see, I am quite possibly the worst patient in the world! I am supposed to be relaxing and babying my leg...but...   


THAT IS REALLY HARD... 


I can't drive. I can't clean. I can barely get dressed on my own. 


I just watched Jasen take all of my heels out of my closet and put them away...I don't even wear heels that much, but I died a little inside. 


On top of being completely bored & miserable, plant season has started & Jasen is working 6 days a week. Sniffle...So not only am I stuck home...I'm stuck home alone... excuse me while I pout... 


Sigh... Ok...I'll quit being melodramatic now... 

What was that?

What was that? Oh yes, I remember now... another resolution totally busted before I could even start! :( 


I vowed before new years that I would begin my year in the gym and I would spend the next year focusing on not being a fatty  anymore. And then this happened... 

'This' was an 'incident' while ice skating! :( Saw my family dr yesterday and he thinks it will need surgery and I have a 6-8 wks ahead of me being a gimp. :( 


Anyone else noticing the over abundance of sad faces in this post? Yeah, that would be because I am sooooo nottttt happpyyyy about this! :( Not just because being an invalid sucks arse, but because I had finally gotten to the place in my mind that I was going to focus and lose weight the healthy way & look what happens! :( Not that I can't change my way of eating or try to lose weight through diet alone, but this isn't just about the weight... this is about wanting to be healthy and fit. 


Sigh... 


Edit: Can I just say that morning TV is totally depressing??? Dr. Oz has me convinced I'm going to die if I don't eat a certain diet and blah, blah, blah. 

Coming home...

This blog might be all over the place, as I'm a little loopy from Vicodin, & I have a lot on my mind.

We've been gone from the grand ole city of Abilene for about 3 weeks and it's been amazing! The girls have gotten along better than ever~~they've been helpful around the house, they've been kind to each other, they have basically been no trouble at all & a pleasure to be around! They've tried new things & had new adventures & I'm sooo proud of them!! I do have to question why things have been so different??!!?! Oh wait...I know...they've been mine & mine alone for 3 weeks. Funny how lack of contact with their dad makes them so much calmer!! My girls are amazing & they are turning into beautiful young ladies...


And I just wish I could protect them from all that he is...sigh...


As for the Vicodin loopiness, that would be from an incident I had during one of our many adventures...


Don't you like my new immobilizer?! Won't really know what's wrong until we get home & see our own dr, as the ER was rather incompetent here! :(

Anywho...guess I should get to the real point of this post... I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!! I mean really don't want to!! I've sat in this chair all afternoon thinking of ways to stay here! I know it's not physically possible~~we have to go home, but I don't want to! I don't want to go home to the drama of the ex, to the religious persecution of the city, or to the judgementalness of my own family! I want to stay here where I have an amazing mother-in-law that loves my girls & I. I want to stay here where the girls are so much more relaxed & theres a freedom to be whoever we want to be! Sigh...guess I'll quit whining & start packing! But...I DON'T WANNA!!


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My Family...

Ever been walking along and have one of those moments where everything makes sense? Happened for me tonight during our walk at the park.... actually happened while I took the picture that you see...

My little brother posted that he celebrated his birthday yesterday at a local restaurant with his 'family' and it broke my heart. You see, I wasn't invited to the birthday celebration. This isn't the first time since I left my ex husband that I haven't been invited to family get-togethers and it definitely won't be the last. BUT my 'ah ha' moment, during our walk, was this...

THE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE ARE MY FAMILY!

I need to worry less about activities and invitations with the family that has made it clear they don't want anything to do with me & worry more about creating traditions with my husband and my daughters. You see, those parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that want nothing to do with me, because I left an abusive marriage, aren't worth crying over. It is simply time to move on.

So this is me... moving on...

I want to matter..

Have you ever just wanted to matter enough to the people around you that they take action & make changes? Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'd REALLY like to matter enough to my family for them to do the things I ask!

I mean, my children know it causes me stress for them to live like pigs or to fight with each other, and yet each and every day I waste my words telling them to stop fighting and asking them to pick up after themselves!

I have asked my husband to quit smoking & yet each & everyday he runs to buy cigarettes. I get it...I really do...it's an addiction. The person has to WANT to quit. BUT..if I mattered enough, wouldn't he be able to quit?

My parents haven't spoken to me in 6 months. Wouldn't it be nice if they at least TRIED to have a relationship with their only daughter, instead of my ex husband & his new gf?

Sigh...I just want to matter enough...is that too much to ask?

(This blog is brought to you by an over abundance of female hormones in my house (Yeah for PMS!) and a sincere feeling of helplessness about the happenings around me!)


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and I thought I wanted her to speak?

Remember this cute little smile? Remember when she couldn't speak? I do... and after this morning, I SERIOUSLY want to go back to these days. I know that 'this too shall pass,' but I've already been through this stage with Megan and I don't know that I want to go through it with a child that is twice as loud, twice as dramatic, and lacks the impulse control that her sister has.

Ok, ok, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic (and I question where Kali gets it from), but this morning was one for the record books. We had question after question about what outfit looked best, an angry fit when I said "it's 47 degrees outside, but some pants on," and then WWIII after Megs wouldn't let her borrow a scarf to accessorize her outfit. Now, I'm not stupid... I know that this sudden 'caring' about her appearance is all related to a boy... yet another thing I'm not ready to deal with and a blog for another day.. but it also has to do with her age.

Kali has reached THE AGE...You know what I'm talking about...the age where hormones begin to enter and make a female CRAZY!?!?! The age where there is a switch between little girl and turning into a young woman. The age of confusion as to what's most important and who she wants to be!

But this is also the age where I get a glimpse of who she is going to be as a grown woman. The age where I get to mold her and shape her and help her be that woman. (Oh dear... this is sounding like a lot of responsibility on my part!) The age where I help her take the PASSION, PERSONALITY, and STUBBORNNESS that she has, and I show her how to use all of those things for good! You see, all of the traits that drive me the most crazy about my sweet little 10 year old are the traits that I thank the good Lord she has.

My sweet little Kali HAS NO FEAR!! She has never met a person she couldn't talk to. She has never met an opportunity for fun that seemed to scary to try. She has never been too self-conscious to stand up and be herself in front of a few or many. My precious baby girl is CONFIDENT in who she is (most days) and will do great things in her life with this confidence. My sweet angel is BRILLIANT and although she struggles with ADHD, does not struggle in school and gets satisfaction from the fact that her favorite subjects are math and science. 

So see, this morning was only a minor setback... we will all survive these crazy things called hormones and life will go on. One day, I will look back and laugh about this morning (one day, a long, long time from now when I'm not feeling quite so shell shocked)!

Who?

This is your life---Who you wanna be? You might recognize those words as lyrics to a Switchfoot song...profound lyrics to me! I mean, despite the influences around us, at the end of the day, it's all up to the individual as to the direction their life is going to take! And although there are still a lot of haters regarding the choices I've made over the last few years, I can honestly say, I am who I wanna be! I mean how many people can say that? I have a husband who treats me like a queen & makes me want to be a better me! I have 2 amazing daughters who surprise me everyday! I have a job I love, where I get to shape the minds of young adults! I have a network of friends that are the best! So...from today, I will (try) to no longer be sad over lost relationships with people who can't seem to understand & instead rejoice in the fact that I am (finally) who I wanna be!




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Withdrawals...

Well... I did it. In light of the new 'social media' policies at work, I have deleted my faceb00k. I'm not sure how long it will last (the delete that is) as I'm already having withdrawals, but there is no reason I needed 572 people looking into my life on a daily basis. And honestly, most of those people were added because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So... if you came here looking for me... I am around... just choosing to stay under the radar right now.

What does it all mean?

Been a while... hasn't it?

While staring at my blog for a few minutes, it occurred to me that that some might be confused by the title of my blog. I mean, most of the time, we hear 'rebellious child' in some negative connotation... but really, does it have to be a negative trait? I mean, the definition of the word suggests no negative connotation...

rebellious: defying or resisting some established authority, government, or tradition

...and yet, we read 'rebellious child' and jump to negative conclusions. I have been guilty of this same negative conclusion and have beat myself up for YEARS, because I have always had 'issues' with rebellion.

But at 35 yrs of age, what exactly am I rebelling against? Well, if you must know, the only rebellion I consistently engage in is rebellion against tradition & stupidity. I can't really see a whole lot of negative in rebelling against those things... and I will not continue to apologize for the choices I have made 'rebelling' against tradition.

Begin soapbox-- My heart hurts for the women who have stayed in oppressive marriages, because the people who are supposed to support them have told them things like 'our family doesn't get divorces' or 'God doesn't believe in divorce.' Um... hello?!?! What are you saying with those statements? That family tradition is more important than the mental health and well being of your child and grandchildren? Or maybe that God would like that woman to stay in a relationship that is so toxic people are afraid to come visit? All for the sake of tradition? Um... no thank you. I will not continue to be beat down by my family, both biological & spiritual,  for leaving a toxic/abusive marriage and moving on with my life. I may not have handled everything in the way that those around me would have, but it's been two years... get over it... I can only apologize so many times and I'm done.--End soapbox.
So for today & always, I will stand against traditions and stupidity & I will be proud of the spirit that either God gave me or my life circumstances created in me... I am a rebellious child...

Mornings...

I am suffering from that green eyed monster called jealousy right now...No, I'm not jealous over new cars or nice houses, I am jealous over my friend's peaceful mornings! No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot seem to run a peaceful, loving, caring house in the morning! Instead, I get a 10 yr old that has to be told 5000 times to put her shoes on and never gets bkfst & a 13 yr old that spends more time yelling & criticizing others than she does getting ready in the morning! I'm sure that if I were more 'hands on' in the morning it would help... but I refuse to dress the 10 yr old as she requests every morning!

What makes this even worse, is that mornings now are 10 times better than they were pre-Jasen...I mean he gets up & helps w/the girls (and brings me coffee), as opposed to my past who slept thru it all! And before I get 1000 bits of advice that are supp to make it all easier...we've tried getting Kali to pick out her clothes the night before...that really only helps if I were to just let her sleep in them! As for the yelling one, I guess when one if filled with anxiety about the terror of 7th grade, one can only be cranky! She's been given notice that children who yell at their parents walk to school, so maybe that'll make her reconsider her attitude!

Sigh... Will this ever get easier?!

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Summer Rain...

Seriously?!?! Another day of rain?!?!?! I thought I lived in Texas!!! AUGHHH!!! I understand that rain is good & that rain is necessary for growth and cleansing, but, um... I've had enough this summer!!! Not like my complaining will make it stop happening....

For those who read my last post and are wondering... Gpa didn't call. I finally called him and his new wife was sick, so he said we should try again another day, although he didn't set a day, so who knows when/if that will happen. I kind of wanted my family crap to be fixed before we head off to Michigan for 10 days.

Speaking of Michigan, soooo thankful that I have inlaws that are amazing!!! Jasen's parents are divorced and in different states, so I'm guaranteed at least two adventures a year out of the state of Texas, but they've also been quite loving an accepting of myself and my babies. I do find it rather ironic that the parents that are the most loving and accepting are the ones that aren't especially religious and the parents that have been the most unforgiving and unaccepting are the ones that are religious. Makes it quite difficult to argue for Christianity when the Christians in my life are causing the most hurt. Not that I've turned my back on Christianity at all (would hate for people to think that), but I've def struggled with it all for the last year & mainly due to how people in the church & in my own family have acted! Maybe we will just move to Michigan and be where the family that loves us regardless is! :)

Waiting for the phone to ring...

This weekend was my Gpa's 78th birthday! My mom had a bd party for him that I wasn't invited to, but my ex was. There have been lots of those occasions over the last year. Apparently, getting out of a toxic marriage is grounds for disownment in my family. I'm sooo very tired of having to explain myself & my action to people who obviously don't get it. My dad wants us all to just 'get along', but what he doesn't get is that by inviting the man who emotionally & verbally put me down for 14 years they are telling me exactly what they think of me. And quite honestly, not a week goes by that I don't wish the ex had just punched me, so my parents would actually recognize the abuse. It really sucks to be the black sheep, when all I did was leave an abusive marriage. (And yes, I did some things along the way I'm not proud of, but however illogical, it was my only way out!)

Sooo...now I sit here waiting for the phone to ring, because after a year of not talking to anyone in my family, I called my Gpa on Saturday & invited him to lunch today. He's supp to call me & set the time sometime this morning. Sooooo....let's see if the phone rings.



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Roadtrip

Currently in the van, on the way to Odessa, TX to see our favorite bands---The Dollyrots & Bowling for Soup! This makes roadtrip #6 of the summer & each roadtrip reminds me how lucky I am to have my amazing husband! I love that he has the desire & ability to just wake up on a Saturday morning & say 'hey, let's go to_____'!!! I grew up with a dad that didn't like traveling & I remember how frustrating that was for my mom~~~thank you honey for being willing to fill my need of impulsivity!

Oh & for this particular roadtrip, I got new shoes~~apparently cowboy boots are not the proper attire for a punk rock concert!



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Stupidity

There have been quite a few times lately that I have wanted to take my college students and to shake them until they open their eyes & see what it is they are doing wrong~~~~and up until tonight, I've done a pretty good job of only saying small comments to hopefully make them stop for a second & think....tonight, however, was a different story! Tonight I lost my cool & I unloaded with both barrels....and I'm hoping that they will listen! You see, the truth is, I've done all of these stupid things they are doing and I'd give anything to undo some of those choices! And quite frankly, it hurts my heart a little to see these beautiful young ladies make these choices, because in the end, they are going to find that the consequences are more than they ever would've imagined! So here's hoping the verbal lashing I gave actually did something! :(


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Best Friend

In the past, I never understood when my friends said that their spouses were their best friends. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wasn't exactly nice to people who said such things. I'd like to apologize for those commemts or thoughts....cuz I get it now. Jasen is my best friend...and it is an amazing feeling to go to sleep each night & wake up each morning beside my best friend and husband!



It just dawned on me that I never posted about the elopement!!! Augh!!! Too much to write on my phone! Memorial day weekend Jasen & I took a little trip to Vegas & became husband & wife! It was a virtually stress free wedding and I have never been happier! Here are some pics...



I really had a difficult time keeping a straight face! :)







One of my fave pics.







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um...been a while

Once again...it's been a while... and a lot has changed... most notable the empty space my ring finger has been filled by a pretty piece of jewelry...

Jasen asked me to marry him last Wednesday night while we were laying on the trampoline watching the night sky.... and since I'm wearing the ring, I guess everyone knows my answer! :) The girls are quite excited and have given us permission to elope (as long as they get a new dress when we get back!)

Sooo... any ideas for eloping?

Exercise

Ok, it's official---EXERCISE IS BAD FOR MY HEALTH!!! Not to be all whiney or anything, but seriously, I've done nothing but injure myself the last couple of days!!! Now, mind you, I've never been especially graceful, but something about exercise makes it worse! :( After my workout Tuesday, I bit it in my driveway---scraped up my left shin & right knee! Today, I had a treadmill accident and scraped up my right knee! One of my friends joked that a drug habit might be a safer way for me to lose weight---I'm beginning to think she's correct!!! (Just kidding, of course...sortof!)


And just to make you feel bad for laughing, here's a pic of my knees Tuesday! :-p

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