Breathe

Oh Abilene. Can a town cause a person to have anxiety? I roll into Abilene to pick of the girls & pretty much the entire time we are here, I spend trying to calm myself as I am as wound up as a person can be. In fact, we are almost to Clyde & I still can't breathe right.

I know that many of you LOVE Abilene & that you'll look at this post like I need a place in the looney bin, but I don't love Abilene. Abilene may not hold more negative memories than positive, but the negative memories are indeed the strongest, apparently.

I tried to make a list of things I'll miss, but that list was very short & was just the names of a handful of friends that I wish I could take me. I've lived in Abilene for 32 years and what I'll miss are a HANDFUL of friends. Did you catch that?! It is very clear to me that I don't 'fit' in Abilene. I never have. I ask too many questions & am too outspoken to every truly fit.

So as I watch Abilene disappear in my rear view mirror, I just wanted to say 'goodbye for now' to that handful of friends. Our paths will cross again. I'm sorry if you felt like I snuck out without saying my proper goodbyes, I just simply needed out.

Almost to Baird & I can finally breathe again....

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Relationships..

My fb feed has been full of people who gave it their best shot, but couldn't make it work. Friends that have been married since high school. It's sad. But what's even sadder, is that these marriages have been over for a long time & the only one that was doing anything to fight for the marriage was the wife. I've lent these women relationship books, spent hours talking to them about how to fix things & ultimately the fault wasn't theirs. They prayed, changed their attitudes, asked for the changes that needed to occur & got nothing in return. These guys are acting like victims now, but truthfully they did this. They treated their wives like crap. They let their friendships, hobbies & jobs take priority over their relationships with their wives & children. When asked to go to counseling, they said no. When asked to be more affectionate, they said no. When asked to spend quality time with the family, they said no. But instead of owning up to that, these guys are now the victims. Eh... That's not how it works guys. If you don't make your wife feel loved, ultimately she will leave... or cheat. It seems to me that it would make a lot more sense to make a few changes than to lose your family.

And while all of the above is hard to watch, what's even harder is watching the couples who haven't gotten to the point above, but to anyone looking in, it's clear it's going to happen eventually. If you aren't working for your relationship, you are working against it. Spend time together. Do what she wants to do, even if it isn't what you want to do (and vice versa). Touch each other often & not just for sex (yes...the anti-touch person just said that). Make sure the other person knows that you are the most important thing in the world to them etc. So much of making a relationship good is consciously choosing to be active in that relationship. It's when we get lazy that problems occur.

On the other side of that token, I also think you need to know when to quit fighting. Know when to walk away. I knew within a week of my first marriage that I'd screwed up... I remember the moment with clarity, even though it was almost 20 years ago. (Having a very large dictionary thrown at your head somehow never leaves you.) I wish I'd had the self-worth & determination to walk away then. Instead, I stayed in a relationship for 14 yrs, because I was worried about disappointing my family & friends. You know what, I did disappoint my family & friends, but the ones who let my divorce be the defining moment in our relationship, weren't worth staying in a relationship with, I've since learned. I have several friends who left their husbands around the same time I did & a few have told me that watching me survive, helped them have the courage to walk away themselves. So many times we stay in unhealthy relationships because we don't think we could do it alone... If I could do it, anyone can... Seriously. Love yourself enough to realize when it's time to walk away, or your children will pay the consequences.


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Thankfulness

If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I used to love the holiday season, but after the divorce & everything that happened with my family. I hate the holiday season.

Trying to find my happy today though... So here's my list of thankfulness.

My husband...he's amazing. He puts up with my crazies, he loves me unconditionally, & life with him is just pretty amazing.

My daughters... They are good kids & they each make me proud. They both work hard in school. They both try to be good people. The love & do not discriminate.

My friends.... I have many acquaintances, but very few friends that I trust with all of my secrets. I'm thankful for those that I can count on to be there for advice & support. Thankful for those that love me no matter what.

My in laws... Love that my husband's family has welcomed the girls & I into their family. Miss them all greatly!

My family... While I speak to very few of them, I am thankful for the things I learned from family... Even if some of it is who not to be. I miss my grandma daily, as I think the world would be a different place if Gma where here. But it is what it is...

Education.... Thankful for the opportunity to be back in school. Love my classes. Love my classmates. Excited for what the future holds.

The rest of what I'm thankful for is stuff.... Technology, toilet paper etc. Or things like progress & freedoms. I'm often quite thankful that I wasn't born 100 years ago or in another country.

I hope everyone enjoys their turkey day.

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Time Machine

If you could go back in time, would you change what you did or that you got caught?

I would change none of the decisions that I've made, only that I got caught. The choices that I've made, make me who I am. The experiences I've had shape who I am. And honestly, some of the worst decisions come with the best memories. So live your life with no regrets. Keep people around you that will love you unconditionally. Above all... Follow your heart... Not the heart that is clouded by tradition & guilt... But the heart that speaks the truth.


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Yelling...

This may be a recycled post, I don't remember. But even if it is. It's important. 

I follow a forum that posts articles that I find interesting. To be honest, I started following the site, because Jezebel just happens to be one of my most favorite names. But... out of that follow, I have read many articles that have caused me to stop and think about who I am and the choices I make. One such article can be found here. 

If you are too lazy to read the article, it essentially says find another way to deal with your children, because yelling is bad. If that article isn't enough for you to change your ways, keep reading... 

I am a recovering yeller. I was raised in a home where my mother yelled and it was pretty much her only form of communication. When I got married and had babies, I knew no other way to get my point across, but to yell. And I was good at it. Now, I knew better than to yell demeaning things to my child... having a mother that yelled had shown me that. But I yelled when I was upset and yelling was the only form of communication between my ex and I.  

One day, when my oldest was a toddler, I looked into her eyes and saw terror. It was at that moment that I realized that there had to be another way to get my point across. I tried to convince my husband to quit yelling... even did a lit review in grad school and wanted to do my thesis over the consequences of yelling in the home. And although I couldn't stop his yelling, I did my damnedest to quit yelling at the girls and to only yell at my ex if he started it. (Real mature, I know.) Eventually, I escaped that marriage and have since remarried. There is little yelling in my home now. But the consequences of the yelling that happened so many years ago are great. 

My 16 yo has PTSD. No, I haven't taken her to be officially diagnosed, but I've read enough to know. If anyone even comes close to sounding like they are yelling her face turns red, her eyes widen and she starts to sweat. If the yelling continues for any length of time (you know, 30 seconds or more), she begins to tear up and breathe quickly. Generally the end result of all of this is her hiding in a bathroom and having a panic attack. Now here's the thing.... I did this to her. Or rather, her father and I did this to her. We had a house that was so ridiculously toxic that it was like living in a war zone  And even though I quit yelling many moons ago... the consequences are still there. I cannot undo it. I cannot change it. I cannot fix this for her. I did it. And it breaks my heart when I pick up my phone and see that it's her (during school hours) and know that I have to talk her out of a panic attack. 

My 12 yo doesn't have PTSD. In fact, for the most part, she fared pretty well for someone raised in such a toxic environment, but what my child has is a yelling problem of her own. Many, many times over the last few weeks I have had to point out to her that I left a home where people communicated by yelling and I will not live there again. I have talked to her about tone of voice and how very wrong yelling is. But you know... she is communicating exactly how she saw her parents communicate (and still sees her father communicate). She uses her angry voice to get her way and to intimidate those around her. I did that to her. I taught that to her. I did it. 

To sum up this post: I did it. I yelled. I can make excuses all day long about how I didn't know any better and how I changed as soon as I did. BUTTTT it doesn't change the fact that I didn't stop in time and my children are paying the consequences for that. So people... stop yelling at your kids. Learn another way. BTW, I'm not perfect. That yelling tween of mine can get me going, but for the most part, I rarely yell. And of that... I am proud. 

New Friends

I mentioned to a new-ish friend that I have a blog. She asked where it was and I told her. I also mentioned that I am not the same person that I was when I started my blog so long ago. Which leads me to the question... what does one do with old blog posts? I mean, for some, a blog is a journey through time that enables you to go back and see where you've been. For me, the where I've been, isn't really anything I need to be reminded of. No really... it's not. I do not want to think of how I struggled as a person in a toxic marriage. I do not want to look back and remember my struggle with ridiculously conservative doctrines that told me that I had to change in order to fit in. My friend told me that reading my posts helped her work through some of her own struggles, so I guess the posts will stay where they are. But... if you are new to this blog, please know that if I were to run across this blog and read the earlier posts... I wouldn't have liked me. I am not that person anymore. Well most of me isn't... 

I still believe in love. I still believe things happen for a reason. I still believe that I am stronger, because of the shit I've been through. 

been a while...

It's been a while...lot's of changes in my life and yet after reading the blog I posted last April little has changed. Laws get changed and the government tries to get rid of discrimination, and my fb feed still stays the same. I think what makes me the most sad regarding the hate I see daily in my feed, is that there was a time when I was closer to thinking the same way as some of those people. A time when I would have said that while God loves homosexuals, He would never make someone that way. A time when I would have said love the sinner, hate the sin. I apologize for who I was. My only excuse is ignorance and indoctrination. 

Your God

Over the last few weeks, I have found myself (once again) struggling with my faith. This struggle isn't new, but the reason behind the struggle is new. I mean, usually my faith crises come from questions of women's roles in church and if I really want to be a part of something that obviously hates women. I have come to realize that there are some denominations that my daughters and I have no business being a part of much like Jimmy Carter has done. This new crises of faith comes from the gay marriage debate that is front and center in our nation right now & all across my facebook page. Don't get me wrong, I have seen MANY, MANY posts preaching love and acceptance, but I have seen just as many preaching hate and intolerance. 

I read this article yesterday... and in a sense, the writer put into words what I have been thinking (and saying out loud only to people closest to me) for a long time. I don't want any part of the 2nd group's (from above) God. I don't want to worship a god or be a part of any religion that preaches hate/intolerance/bigotry.  I beg of my friends posting hate, that they go watch "For the Bible tells me so" on Netflix. I pray that you see that there are many ways to read scripture and that the hate you are preaching does absolutely no good for the kingdom of God. The God I believe in, is a loving God and if I am wrong, then quite honestly, I want no part of Christianity.

Food issues...

I'm fat. I get it. In fact, by medical standards I am morbidly obese. For whatever reason, I cannot seem to loose weight and I am trying to take care of that. In fact, I have a dr's appt (that I am scared to death about) on Thursday. I have done my darnedest not to pass whatever food issues I have down to my children, but obviously, I have failed (don't you dare read this & judge me...we all have issues...I'm just willing to share mine). 

In the last couple of weeks, I have noticed that Kali has some SERIOUS FOOD ISSUES. I don't know if she thinks we are starving her, or what, but she's driving me crazy. In fact, this morning, she stood in the kitchen counting kolaches in order to make sure she got her fair share. Sunday night at BWW, she inhaled the cheese fries out of the basket lest Megs get more than her & when we said she couldn't take the 2 leftover wings home, she inhaled them before anyone else could grab them. Um... child... have I ever not given you your fair share of food? Have you ever missed a meal by my choosing? The answer to both of those questions is NOOOOOOO, but for some reason, the child seems to think otherwise. 

So yeah. I have obviously failed and any suggestions of how to handle this child would be greatly appreciated. I mean, I'm not about restricting her tall, skinny self when it comes to food, but she has got to quit inhaling her food like we are going to steal it from her. Maybe that's it... the skinny child thinks the fat family is going to eat her food... O_o 

Pint3r3st

Oy. I know that for many of you, the sight of this screen





makes you think happy thoughts. I know this, because I have a teenager that is OBSESSED with Pint3rest. But, if I were to be honest, which I usually am, her continuous 'look at this' make me want to stab myself in the eyeball with a pencil.

It's not because she's looking at awful things either. She finds really awesome things on Pint3rest. The problem, for me, is that Pint3rest reminds me I suck at life. I mean, the recipes remind me I can't cook creatively & honestly, I probably wouldn't eat it if I made it & neither would my children (picky eaters). The crafty crap reminds me that I am somewhat lacking in the 'girl' skills required to be crafty. Last time I touched a glue gun, I burned myself. Pretty much every category causes me to have an 'I suck at life' reaction.

And let's talk about categories. What?!? Organization?! Who decides what goes in all of those categories? & how do I make my mind work like that?!??? I look at everyone else's boards & I'm always overwhelmed by the number of boards & the number of pins in each board. Can't I have one board where I put everything?? Why do I have to have multiple boards? As you can see, I have 5 boards:


1. Things my husband needs to make me---Code for these require tools I don't know how to use or attention to detail, which I do not do well.
2. My tummy wants these---Code for one of my friends that enjoys cooking needs to cook for me.
3. Fun hair---Code for oooo I wish I could, but I live in conservative hell & can't.
4. Things I might try---Code for & by me, I mean my child.
5. Things that make me laugh, cry, or think---Code for I will prob get in trouble for liking these.

Oy. Just posting those boards makes me want to run & throw up. I'm pretty sure a social media site shouldn't give me that reaction. Am I the only one that feels this way?!? Is there a cure?!? And if there's not, can one of you come sit & listen to my child's 'look at this' so I can quit wanting to stab my eyes out?

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R3ligious Philosophy

Had a student ask me my religious philosophy today & I had to stop & think about it for a sec. What is my philosophy?! I told him I'd get back to him, because 'don't be an asshole' didn't seem like an appropriate response, but after thinking about it all afternoon, I'm almost certain it is how I feel.

Let me explain... I spent a good portion of my life in churches of two very popular denominations being taught things that I just don't feel within myself are correct. I believe in music & it's ability to touch the soul. I believe STRONGLY that women can be called into ministry. And just like the views on interracial relationships has changed over the years, I think the view on homosexuality will too. I don't want our government passing laws based upon ANYONE'S religion & I'm very bothered by the amount of laws that seems to be because of religious influence (I mean, because buying beer at the grocery store AFTER church is so much more righteous than the person trying to buy beer at 10am)! I could probably write a novel about what else I believe that is different than what I was raised believing, but those are the high spots.

So. Back to my philosophy... Don't be an asshole pretty much covers it for me! Don't tell my daughters they are limited in serving God, because they are female! Don't tell them that they can't use their God-given musical talent, because God wouldn't appreciate it. Don't tell my child's friend that is struggling with sexuality that God didn't make him that way & we can pray away those desires & worsen a struggle that you can't possibly understand. Don't tell the wife in an abusive relationship that if she were a more Godly wife, her husband wouldn't act that way. My list could go on, but I think you get it.

Instead of all of the things listed & more here are some things we should be doing. LOVE ONE ANOTHER! I mean it is the greatest commandment, right?

Ok...enough ranting...


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A song...

http://open.spotify.com/track/7p7lNE4QGhtR3p4DokE0qP

Here are the lyrics to the song linked above. Megan found this song and showed it me. Her father doesn't have a drinking problem, but he does have an anger management problem and she has decided to quit seeing him. I will support her decision, because quite frankly, I'm tired of trying to repair her self esteem after he's torn her down! I don't know if he will fight her decision, but if he does, I will be behind her & will help her fight. No little girl should have to feel like this!

For The Love Of A Daughter lyrics

Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
You're selfish hands always expecting more
Am I your child or just a charity ward

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

Oh father
Please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father
Please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
Oh

It's been five years
Since we've spoken last
And you can't take back
What we never had

Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times
Before even I love you
Starts to sound like a lie

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest

I try so hard to fight it
But it's
hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

Oh father
Please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father
Please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you push me out of your world
Lie to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you loved

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you throw me right out of your world
So young when the pain had begun
Now forever afraid of being loved
Oh father
Please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father
Oh father
Please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
For the love of a daughter


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Pouty and Insubordinate

Hi...my name is Jessica...I am losing my mind... 


You see, I am quite possibly the worst patient in the world! I am supposed to be relaxing and babying my leg...but...   


THAT IS REALLY HARD... 


I can't drive. I can't clean. I can barely get dressed on my own. 


I just watched Jasen take all of my heels out of my closet and put them away...I don't even wear heels that much, but I died a little inside. 


On top of being completely bored & miserable, plant season has started & Jasen is working 6 days a week. Sniffle...So not only am I stuck home...I'm stuck home alone... excuse me while I pout... 


Sigh... Ok...I'll quit being melodramatic now... 

What was that?

What was that? Oh yes, I remember now... another resolution totally busted before I could even start! :( 


I vowed before new years that I would begin my year in the gym and I would spend the next year focusing on not being a fatty  anymore. And then this happened... 

'This' was an 'incident' while ice skating! :( Saw my family dr yesterday and he thinks it will need surgery and I have a 6-8 wks ahead of me being a gimp. :( 


Anyone else noticing the over abundance of sad faces in this post? Yeah, that would be because I am sooooo nottttt happpyyyy about this! :( Not just because being an invalid sucks arse, but because I had finally gotten to the place in my mind that I was going to focus and lose weight the healthy way & look what happens! :( Not that I can't change my way of eating or try to lose weight through diet alone, but this isn't just about the weight... this is about wanting to be healthy and fit. 


Sigh... 


Edit: Can I just say that morning TV is totally depressing??? Dr. Oz has me convinced I'm going to die if I don't eat a certain diet and blah, blah, blah. 

Coming home...

This blog might be all over the place, as I'm a little loopy from Vicodin, & I have a lot on my mind.

We've been gone from the grand ole city of Abilene for about 3 weeks and it's been amazing! The girls have gotten along better than ever~~they've been helpful around the house, they've been kind to each other, they have basically been no trouble at all & a pleasure to be around! They've tried new things & had new adventures & I'm sooo proud of them!! I do have to question why things have been so different??!!?! Oh wait...I know...they've been mine & mine alone for 3 weeks. Funny how lack of contact with their dad makes them so much calmer!! My girls are amazing & they are turning into beautiful young ladies...


And I just wish I could protect them from all that he is...sigh...


As for the Vicodin loopiness, that would be from an incident I had during one of our many adventures...


Don't you like my new immobilizer?! Won't really know what's wrong until we get home & see our own dr, as the ER was rather incompetent here! :(

Anywho...guess I should get to the real point of this post... I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!! I mean really don't want to!! I've sat in this chair all afternoon thinking of ways to stay here! I know it's not physically possible~~we have to go home, but I don't want to! I don't want to go home to the drama of the ex, to the religious persecution of the city, or to the judgementalness of my own family! I want to stay here where I have an amazing mother-in-law that loves my girls & I. I want to stay here where the girls are so much more relaxed & theres a freedom to be whoever we want to be! Sigh...guess I'll quit whining & start packing! But...I DON'T WANNA!!


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My Family...

Ever been walking along and have one of those moments where everything makes sense? Happened for me tonight during our walk at the park.... actually happened while I took the picture that you see...

My little brother posted that he celebrated his birthday yesterday at a local restaurant with his 'family' and it broke my heart. You see, I wasn't invited to the birthday celebration. This isn't the first time since I left my ex husband that I haven't been invited to family get-togethers and it definitely won't be the last. BUT my 'ah ha' moment, during our walk, was this...

THE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE ARE MY FAMILY!

I need to worry less about activities and invitations with the family that has made it clear they don't want anything to do with me & worry more about creating traditions with my husband and my daughters. You see, those parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that want nothing to do with me, because I left an abusive marriage, aren't worth crying over. It is simply time to move on.

So this is me... moving on...

I want to matter..

Have you ever just wanted to matter enough to the people around you that they take action & make changes? Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'd REALLY like to matter enough to my family for them to do the things I ask!

I mean, my children know it causes me stress for them to live like pigs or to fight with each other, and yet each and every day I waste my words telling them to stop fighting and asking them to pick up after themselves!

I have asked my husband to quit smoking & yet each & everyday he runs to buy cigarettes. I get it...I really do...it's an addiction. The person has to WANT to quit. BUT..if I mattered enough, wouldn't he be able to quit?

My parents haven't spoken to me in 6 months. Wouldn't it be nice if they at least TRIED to have a relationship with their only daughter, instead of my ex husband & his new gf?

Sigh...I just want to matter enough...is that too much to ask?

(This blog is brought to you by an over abundance of female hormones in my house (Yeah for PMS!) and a sincere feeling of helplessness about the happenings around me!)


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and I thought I wanted her to speak?

Remember this cute little smile? Remember when she couldn't speak? I do... and after this morning, I SERIOUSLY want to go back to these days. I know that 'this too shall pass,' but I've already been through this stage with Megan and I don't know that I want to go through it with a child that is twice as loud, twice as dramatic, and lacks the impulse control that her sister has.

Ok, ok, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic (and I question where Kali gets it from), but this morning was one for the record books. We had question after question about what outfit looked best, an angry fit when I said "it's 47 degrees outside, but some pants on," and then WWIII after Megs wouldn't let her borrow a scarf to accessorize her outfit. Now, I'm not stupid... I know that this sudden 'caring' about her appearance is all related to a boy... yet another thing I'm not ready to deal with and a blog for another day.. but it also has to do with her age.

Kali has reached THE AGE...You know what I'm talking about...the age where hormones begin to enter and make a female CRAZY!?!?! The age where there is a switch between little girl and turning into a young woman. The age of confusion as to what's most important and who she wants to be!

But this is also the age where I get a glimpse of who she is going to be as a grown woman. The age where I get to mold her and shape her and help her be that woman. (Oh dear... this is sounding like a lot of responsibility on my part!) The age where I help her take the PASSION, PERSONALITY, and STUBBORNNESS that she has, and I show her how to use all of those things for good! You see, all of the traits that drive me the most crazy about my sweet little 10 year old are the traits that I thank the good Lord she has.

My sweet little Kali HAS NO FEAR!! She has never met a person she couldn't talk to. She has never met an opportunity for fun that seemed to scary to try. She has never been too self-conscious to stand up and be herself in front of a few or many. My precious baby girl is CONFIDENT in who she is (most days) and will do great things in her life with this confidence. My sweet angel is BRILLIANT and although she struggles with ADHD, does not struggle in school and gets satisfaction from the fact that her favorite subjects are math and science. 

So see, this morning was only a minor setback... we will all survive these crazy things called hormones and life will go on. One day, I will look back and laugh about this morning (one day, a long, long time from now when I'm not feeling quite so shell shocked)!

Who?

This is your life---Who you wanna be? You might recognize those words as lyrics to a Switchfoot song...profound lyrics to me! I mean, despite the influences around us, at the end of the day, it's all up to the individual as to the direction their life is going to take! And although there are still a lot of haters regarding the choices I've made over the last few years, I can honestly say, I am who I wanna be! I mean how many people can say that? I have a husband who treats me like a queen & makes me want to be a better me! I have 2 amazing daughters who surprise me everyday! I have a job I love, where I get to shape the minds of young adults! I have a network of friends that are the best! So...from today, I will (try) to no longer be sad over lost relationships with people who can't seem to understand & instead rejoice in the fact that I am (finally) who I wanna be!




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Withdrawals...

Well... I did it. In light of the new 'social media' policies at work, I have deleted my faceb00k. I'm not sure how long it will last (the delete that is) as I'm already having withdrawals, but there is no reason I needed 572 people looking into my life on a daily basis. And honestly, most of those people were added because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So... if you came here looking for me... I am around... just choosing to stay under the radar right now.