Do I keep it up?

I am an adjunct professor for three different colleges. Simply put, this means that I teach 1 class for WTC, 2 for MCM, and 3 for CJC. If all of these classes were at one school I would be full-time... but since schools seem to have some policy against hiring FT people... my life is a bit crazy.

A position was open yesterday at CJC... this morning I found out the GAVE the position to someone without even interviewing. The position I wanted at MCM may not even actually be a position... something about not rehiring the position.

I have sat in the floor and cried three different times about this situation... and I am tired of crying about it. I have prayed, I have waited, I have thought maybe I should move on to another career. I don't know what else to do. I know part of the problem is that I am in Abilene... where there never seem to be jobs that pay more than minimum wage. We could move... but we have a house and all of our family is here.

Here is the real kicker though... I was in the director's office at CJC talking about needing a job today... she basically said she wants to be can't... BUT 10 min later she found out she needed a class filled on TR nights... she looked at me and I said I would do it.... Why do I continue to be sooooo willing to throw my life into upheaval when they seem so unwilling to commit to giving me a job. It frustrates the crap out of me. The problem is that if I say no I might not get any classes and then where would I be? I guess some classes is better than none!

I have sat around today thinking of jobs I could do with my M.A. in Communication and my almost M.A. in English... here is what I have come up with so far....
1. Anything in sales... too bad those positions don't care what time my kids get home from school.
2. Bartending at my favorite dance club... second hand smoke might cause lung cancer and I'm pretty sure the club doesn't offer health insurance to cover that.
3. Manager at Wal-Mart... already spend tooooo much money there... wouldn't working there make it worse?
4. Newspaper reporter... really couldn't work for the Repeater News that we have locally.

The list goes on and on... including dancing at the nuddie club... but as I read I can see that frankly I have a bit of a bad attitude about it all. I want the job that I want... and unless I know God is leading me in another direction... one that will still allow me to be home when my kids get home from school I think I will just try to be patient and see what the Lord has in store for me. I am open to suggestions though... anyone got a job for me?

--jessica

Peer Pressure

Wow! You would think at 30 yrs old I would be past the point of succumbing to peer pressure... but no... apparently I'm not. I went to the pool today with some friends from church. When we were lathering up with sun screen my friend said "use this... you won't burn" and I used it even though I knew I needed to put at least 15spf on my legs for their first venture into the sun. Guess what... my legs could compete with a lobster. I am pretty sure they have never been this red in all my days as an adult. I say as an adult because as a teen I would lay out on the trampoline with a baby oil glaze to assist in the burn. Here is the sad part... I forgot to turn over... so only the front of my legs are red... I kindof look like a candy cane.

If that wasn't enough peer pressure... when it came time for adult swim my friends said "let's jump of the high dive"... and although I haven't done that since I was a kid I couldn't be outdone. I jumped... and jumped... and went down the slide... I did things at the pool that I have never done. Not that it wasn't fun... don't get me wrong... but I have been fighting a sinus infection for about 2 weeks... I think it is winning... and jumping off the high dive only managed to make my ears pop and somehow increase the sinus pressure.

I guess not all peer pressure is bad... I did have a good time... but next time someone says "use this..." I might have to reconsider the consequences.

The funniest part to me as I think about the day... is that my 8 yr old succumbed to peer pressure too... she jumped off the high dive for the first time ever. Go Megan!

--jessica

Kissing Cousins

My cousin Kim took my kiddos and hers after dinner with the intentions of going to the park. She stopped for a bit at her parents before going to the park. While at her parents house Brett (Kim's little boy) and Kali (my little girl) were fighting over some toy cell phone. The older sisters, Megan and Kelsey, told Brett and Kali to get into the closet and kiss... and the little ones did it.

I stayed calm when Kim told me about the kiss, but inside I was screaming. Kim seems to think that the big kids were telling the little kids to get in the closet and kiss as a means to get them to stop arguing... you know, the "I'll make you hold hands and kiss if you don't stop that" idea... but I am having a hard time swallowing that idea. I explained very calmly and firmly to the girls that if they EVER encouraged the little ones to kiss again I would personally tan their hides. Kim thought I was overreacting, but I have already had soooooo many problems with Kali kissing little boys that I couldn't let this pass. Not to mention I am certain that the big girls new better.

As I sit here on my couch thinking about how I could have handled it differently it just dawned on me... I got on to the big kids for telling the little ones to kiss... but I never got on to the little ones for following their instructions and kissing. Guess I will have take care of that in the morning! Can I call that a blonde moment?

--jessica

Adoption Celebration

For those new readers look here to catch up on what I am talking about.

Tonight is the night... the party to celebrate my adoption. My dad is absolutely giddy about it... in fact he has called me about 5 times just to make sure there isn't anyone he is forgetting. I told him I would invite my friends... so here goes... for my blogging friends that are in Abilene... or I guess you could come from OK Supermom but it would be an awfully long drive... we are celebrating tonight at Enrique's at 6pm. I would be honored if you come... I will warn you though... I come from a very large family... so... we have reserved a table for 30 or so people! It will definitely be a night you won't forget...

--jessica

Peek Inside Me

Cheerios on my butt has started a new campaign called 'Peek inside me' where each week we will show our true selves. This week's peek is our house and its messes. Supermom showed her messes... I guess I can show mine too.


The way our house is set up is that you walk in the front door and in front of you is the dining room, the living room is to the right and the kitchen is just past that... it is all one big room so furniture is what breaks it up. So... this first pic is the mess that greats you at the front door. I scrapbooked over a month ago and yet my crap hasn't found its way to my bedroom. Robert's computer desk is on the right... see the mess there. We all have a tendency to kick our shoes off when we walk in so you can see those hanging out too.
The real slob in the family is me... as you can see from this pic. See how clean his side of the cabinet is?

We have a sectional but there are currently only two places to sit because the rest is covered by laundry. If you look behind the couch you can see where the desk threw up. This is the play room... the kids are supposed to clean it up daily... this is what it looked like by 9am this morning.
The other side of the living room. My end table looks like it is growing paper... and look more scrapbooking crap.

We are having friends over for dinner tomorrow night so I have about 24 hrs to correct this mess and mow the yard. Yippee!!! That is what I call crunch time around here.

TAG! Your it.... let us peek inside if you dare. I don't know how to link yet so.... childrenandcheeriosontheloose.blogspot.com is where you need to go.

--jessica

Catching Up

Well... we now have survived 4 trips to the gym! Thanks for the words of encouragement! Today we did a step class... I do not know how people do that class and enjoy it. I thought I was going to die. I can honestly say that I enjoyed the spin class more than the step class... isn't that sad? I think the real reason is because I am so heavy that lugging my fat butt up onto the step is flat painful. Hopefully this will get easier as my butt gets lighter.

We are down to 5 puppies... two black, two brown, and one white. My girls are handling it better than I am... their response was "circle of life"... wow... how very different they are from me in some ways.

The teachers got cute flower shaped bowls with candy inside... so they can all have the weight issue I have.... whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Just kidding... the girls love to give candy... so that is what they gave. Besides, it had to be cheap because there were 8 people to buy for... 10 if you count the bus drivers that bring my children home daily.

My girls are officially done with school... we have already had spilled kool-aid... that the 5yr decided to make while I was in the bathroom... as well as 3 fights... hmmmm... wonder what our summer is going to be like?

--jessica

Owwwwwwww

One of my friends received a free gym membership and asked if I was interested in going along. Being the good friend that I am... or glutton for punishment... I agreed to check into it! We have attended the body pump class twice now... and my body is hurting in places that I didn't know existed. How is it that the result of a one hour class is a body that is unable to move freely? My walk has turned into some robot looking movement as my upper thighs seem unable to stretch on their own. My arms can no longer fully extend without help... why do people pay for this feeling? Will it get better? Today my overachieving friend wants to do the spin class... if I don't post tomorrow you'll know I didn't survive.

--jessica

New Life

When we moved out to the boonies I decided we needed dogs to keep us safe. We started with Boots & Socks (named this because their feet were white and it looked like they had shoes on). Over the months we collected a couple of strays, Max and B.J. Max didn't last long... he bit Kali. B.J. and Socks decided to eat the neighbors chickens... and well... enough said. So, that left us with Boots (who has yet to bark at a stranger, so there goes my theory of keeping us safe).

Boots is part lab and the other part great perinese and although she is a big dog... she wouldn't hurt a fly... just quail, mice, and rats. A couple of months ago she went into heat for the first time. For about a week, I would walk outside in the morning to find a different male dog in her doghouse...what a floozy! Ha Ha! I did a bit of research and found out that dogs can conceive by several different donors during heat... so I began to wonder what these puppies were going to look like.

The puppies came yesterday. First there was one... then three... we left for dinner and came back to see four... we went to bed and this morning there were six. Three black... one white... two brown. My husband is determined that we will give them all away... little does he know I am already a bit attached to them.

This has been a great learning lesson for my kids. They were sitting on the porch when babies two and three were born... so they saw them come out and how boots had to lick them clean. Boots hasn't left the porch since having the babies so the girls have gotten to see the devotion that a mother has to her newborns. We've discussed nursing and the likelihood that the smallest pup will not survive. All kinds of lessons lumped into these 6 little pups.

I will keep you posted on their progress...

--jessica

Advice

The thing that I love about having a blog is the advice that I get from people who are much wiser than I. With that said... here is what I need advice on....

My 8 yr old is a big girl. She is the tallest 2nd grader in her school and has the largest feet (these are facts she came home with after a physical fitness exam). She is a bit overweight... nothing to be concerned about according to her pediatrician. But... most of the weight is tummy weight. The result of this weight is that it makes it very difficult to buy her clothing. The clothes in her size are made for girls who are starting to develop curves, so when she tries the clothes on they accentuate her tummy. I try to buy stuff that I feel will be flattering as a means of bypassing the issue... but sometimes it doesn't work. I usually cover with some comment about the outfit not fitting correctly and she lets it go... tonight, she wanted to know what exactly I meant. How do you explain to an 8 yr old the importance of flattering clothes without her thinking I am saying she is fat?

I don't want to warp her... or make her think she is fat; I want to protect her because kids are mean and she has come home crying many, many times because the girls in her class said she was fat. She often makes comments about how she wishes she could be skinny like her little sister. My hubbie is 6'4"... so I know this will not last forever... one day we will wake up and she will be 6' tall with long legs and with her luck she'll even get the boobs that run in my family. But... what do I do now? Do I ignore it and buy her the clothes she wants... or do I keep trying to help her understand how to dress to disguise (because isn't that what we as women do everyday)?

--jessica

Possible Job

When I graduated from ACU 2 yrs ago I just knew that I would walk across the stage and find a job. It didn't happen... I have worked for 3 schools part-time at the same time and it is killing me. There is a position open at MCM and I want it. I am struggling, though, because I have said all along that things happen on God's time... soooo... is it God's time, yet? If I don't get the job is God telling me I'm not ready for a full-time job or that I need to leave the education world? Is God waiting for me to grow up, to be more faithful? Is this a lesson in patience? What am I supposed to learn from this situation? The situation brings me to tears everytime I think about it. It is hard to not have negative self-thoughts when you can't find a job. I can be logical... I am in Abilene and there are just nooooo jobs here... but at the same time... what is sooo wrong with me that I can't find a job? AUGH! Do you see my predicament?

I am sorry this post is not so organized...but... what I am asking for is prayers in this situation. I would like to be so bold as to ask ya'll to pray that I get the position... but truthfully... I am still a strong believer that God is in control... so I just ask for prayers about the situation. If I am meant to have the job... it will happen... if I am not meant to have the job... it won't happen... and then I will be asking for prayers for the nervous breakdown I will have if I fail at this too! HA HA HA See... same ole Jessica... I can laugh at the insanity that is my life!

--jessica

PS. Pool opens in 3 days!

A Family....

Every year the women in my family (19 this year) go on a retreat to Mo Ranch in Hunt, TX. There are no televisions, no cell phones (no reception at least), no children (unless babies) and no husbands. The trip gives us an opportunity to get to know each other... and it is often the only time we get to see each other in a year. Here are a few of the great moments of the trip:

I got to ride down with my cousin's wife (Brooke) again this year. We got to Tuscola and saw this cute little convertible bug and Brooke suggested that we turn around and go get her Dad's porche. Who could say no to that?! It made the trip even more fun... driving down the road in a black, convertible porsche. We cracked up as we looked through her Dad's CD collection... one of the CD's had "Your so Vain" on it. So fitting as we drove down the road in the porsche. At least we knew that the people looking our way were looking at the porsche and not us!

This is the first year that we went in May... which means it was the first year that the water was warm enough for us to go. Mo Ranch has this huge slide... 38' high... that we stare at each year and say we want to try. This year we had no excuses... we did it. Well... only 6 of us did it... but I was one of the 6. It was awesome! Glad we did it... won't do it again. I hate the feeling of water going up my nose and I think half of the river went up my nose as I skidded across the water on the little board. You can see the slide at moranch.com... its called the MO-Slide! HA

We sat around both nights until midnight or later. It made for great conversation! I learned so much from these women that I only see once or twice a year. I got great marriage, parenting, and spiritual advice from women who have done it before and were very honest about their own screw ups! Our new motto... what happens at Mo Ranch stays at Mo Ranch! One of my cousin's was telling us that as she loaded the car her husband said "all ya'll do is talk about us"... if he only knew!

Our retreat is in honor of my great grandma... Maggie... and we refer to ourselves as Maggie's girls. Great-grandma was a women we should all strive to be like. Family was important to her, and before she passed she made her children promise to continue having family reunions. The women in the family took her idea a step farther and started this retreat. We have done it for about 6 years (I think!). Our motto for next year is "we take the party with us" so... that should tell you what our trip is like. Can't wait until next year!

The pictures below are of the different generations.

Off to Hunt

Every year the women in my family get together for a weekend of no TV, no kids, and no cell phones. This is the weekend. So... I am about to load up in the car and drive to Hunt, TX for a time of relaxation. Hope everyone has a great mother's day...

--jessica

What do you think?

I was at dinner tonight with some fellow teachers from McM...we began a chat about our students and their use of facebook... as well as our own blogs. The conversation crossed over into legal things you wouldn't think about... like... did you know it is against the law to post someone's picture without their permission?

So... now I am deleting my last post with the adorable pics of my friend's new twins.... at least until I have time to ask if it is ok. But... keep her and her babies in your prayers... the babies are doing ok... but at 4 1/2 pounds each things could change.

On a totally unrelated note... we got into a discussion of STD's and teaching your children about sex.... one of the professors informed me that nursing homes have the fastest rising cases of AID's and other STD's. WHAT?!!? I asked for his source... frankly, I thought he was making it up... but he gave me one that sounded credible and his wife was sitting there agreeing with him. I guess I hadn't thought about what people do with their spare time in the nursing home. HMMMMMM.......

--jessica

Love

I met a family yesterday, while waiting for the school bus, that has 9 foster children. I asked their ages and had an immediate "ah ha" moment. A little girl, who is exceptionally mean to Megan on the bus, is part of this giant foster family. Armed with this information, I gently explained to Megan that she needed to be nice to this girl... that the girl wasn't nice as a means of protecting herself from more hurt etc etc etc... all the things I've learned in school. I explained that this little girl didn't have parents who loved her... and Megan's face said it all... it was the "well neither do I look." I asked her if she felt like she wasn't loved and she answered truthfully with a "sometimes" as she began to cry. It was time to get on the bus... it was about to pull away... but I did my best to assure her that I do love her... as does her father.

Here is my struggle... I know that I am guilty of not being the most loving mom....I yell, I am impatient, I don't like to be touched or to touch... but I am not the worst mom ever. I was adopted because my mother let strange men beat the crap out of me... surely I am a better mom than that. I really don't know how to fix this... HELP! I did buy her a heart locket today and a sappy card and I am going to sit her down and explain to her that we do love her and I am sorry our lives have been so hectic that she has felt otherwise, but the necklace is to remind her of our love... even when she isn't feeling it. Any other suggestions?

--jessica

ESL Class

Yesterday I ate lunch with a friend and her mother, and in the middle of lunch we got into a discussion about immigration and ESL classes. The discussion started because I am taking an How to Teach ESL class that, frankly, I have no intentions of using... and still have 3 projects to complete before tonight. Anyway, the mom had plenty to say about closing the borders. My friend cracked me up as she put her hands over her ears and said "I'm not listening...."

This is how I feel about the entire immigration debate....I'm not listening... I did that presentation last week over immigration law reform and learned soooooo much about what is really happening. The White House says reform is about safety after 9/11. The organizations against reform suggest that it is about money.... and I found lots of statistics showing how many illegals use 'the system' for health care and housing. BUT...did you know that if the reform passes it will cost immigrants 2000$ to go through the naturalization process? That's a lot of money... in my book and in my opinion, it would make people less likely to attempt to become legal.
Other random thoughts in the debate:
In the legislation it actually makes crossing the border illegally a crime... I thought it already was... isn't that why we call it ILLEGAL? Another part of the reform is that illegals, when caught, will be returned to their hometowns because they will be less likely to travel back across if they are returned home. I have a student here as a permanent resident... she was born in Mexico and is working towards citizenship... and she said that when border patrol returns them to their hometown the government has them publicly beaten... odds are they CAN'T make another run for the border.
This issue is not something that is going to go away anytime soon... and I do think it is our civic responsibility to understand what the real issues are... not just what the evening news is spouting. After doing that project I am not so sure I can back the reform that is being suggested. Then again, as a Christian and a person whose ancestors came over on a boat... I'm not sure I can back the reform.

Ok... sorry for my rant... this is where my brain goes at 5:45am when I have 3 projects to complete before 6pm tonight. Any thoughts?
--jessica

Random Thoughts

My husband is in the playroom with the girls right now... painting their toenails. I love that he is willing to do that for them... and they love it to. Their pedicures are the reward they get for cleaning their rooms without too much drama. Their rooms took a total of 6 hrs to clean. When I say clean I should clarify that I wanted them mommy kind-of clean... everything in its place... which usually takes forever to get done. It normally isn't so bad, but since school has been so hectic I am pretty sure the rooms haven't been deep cleaned since Christmas break. Now... if I can just convince them to maintain the clean rooms and then we won't have to suffer through this again.

Yesterday I went to Target and my oldest daughter proceeded to tell me that I had not bought her anything in soooooooooo long... I must not love her. WHAT?!! I gently reminded her that in the past 2 months I have managed to buy each of them 5 new church outfits as well as t-shirts and capris. How easy she forgets the arguments I have had with her father over money spent that he deems unnecessary. My heart hurts when she says things like that... especially when I feel like I do a lot for them that they do not appreciate. Any advice out there for how to handle this attitude?

--jessica

Adoption Day!

I have a court appearance in the morning... no I didn't get another ticket... my step-dad is adopting me. He has to get on the stand and testify that he will never disown me and that he will be responsible for me... does this mean I could move back home? Willy has been my dad since I was 8 yrs old...now I'm 30... this is just making official what has always been. The girls have always know him as granddad... but now he really will be.

For the last two weeks, my dad has been absolutely giddy about all of this... I am glad he is so excited. He even wants to send out announcements and he is planning some big party to celebrate. I keep joking with him that he is worse than a woman.

So here's the next question... Dad, can I have some money?

--Jessica

It is Over!

For those who have followed my blog faithfully you are well aware of my struggle with my research paper this semester. Well... it is finished! I turned it in and I am quite thankful to have completed it with 2hrs to spare. (That is what I call procrastination!)

As I did the research I had one of those "ah ha moments" that I sometimes get. I believe that the debate between the stay-at-home mother and the working mother is mainly a figment of the media's imagination. I really think the conflict that is happening is the conflict between each and every one of us. I ask myself daily if I am making the right choices... if I am doing a good job... if my kids are going to be screwed up because of something I have done. I never think "oh what a bad mom, she works all the time" or "that poor kid whose mom stays home." I work part-time so I kind-of have the best of both worlds...but that doesn't work for everyone and who am I to judge how others do it. So... my solution is that we pay less attention to the television and what they suggest is a problem... and be more supportive of each other.

Now... on to the 40min presentation on immigration due for a class Thursday night!

--Jessica

Wisdom from Desperate Housewives

One of the most irritating things about being a church goer are the people.... the people who say things like "Ask of the Lord and you will receive" because the truth is it doesn't always happen that way and we have a tendency to ignore that. I am not saying that God doesn't give us what we ask for... sometimes...but I am saying that it is in His power to say No or to say nothing at all. There have been many times in my life when people were telling me to pray and I would be blessed...to ask and I would receive...and what I was asking for didn't happen. I am not bitter about it...but I am bitter about those within the church who seem to forget the world is not all roses and the answer is not always yes.

Tonight, on Desperate Housewives, the final thought of the show was about asking God for the things that we want... and that sometimes, no matter how much we want it, His answer is No. I shouted a hearty 'AMEN' at the TV... but I was left with the feeling that the people who need to hear that message probably don't watch the show.

--jessica

Sunday Mornings...

We did an awful thing this morning...we skipped church and went to the grocery store. I know, I know, we are going to hell in our grocery cart! It was nice and quiet in the grocery store... and it was so much easier without the kids (who were still at my mom's). We bought so many groceries that we needed two carts...that is what happens when you haven't gone to the grocery store in over a month. Robert is catching on though, he asked me to get things he could cook for the kids. So, our freezer is full of kid and husband friendly food... corndogs, pizzas, sausage, hot dogs, etc. Those have to be better than ramon noodles, or McD's. Right?

I am currently sitting in the ACU library working on my research paper...can't you tell? I just can't seem to get motivated. I am a bit frustrated by the fact that they put a new Starbucks in the library...but it isn't open on Sundays. What is that about? I still need a caffeine boost and I still have homework...AUGH! Ok....8 more pages to go.....

--jessica

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

Robert is gone to a training thing in Waco, so the girls and I went to see the movie "8 Below" tonight at the dollar show. Our friends from church, Matt and Amy, were there with their two boys. The movie was great...no foul language, no sex, no violence. The movie did, however, remind me once again that there are some big differences between what boys and girls appreciate about life.
At one point in the movie, the dogs find a killer whale to chow down on...both of my daughters had a fit because it was quite disgusting. Braxton and Briley, on the other hand, thought it was the coolest thing ever. Later in the movie, Jerry and his girlfriend kiss...Kali cheered and Braxton said very loudly "that's just gross." I wonder what I need to do to convince Kali to think more like Braxton on this kissing boys thing....hmmmm.
--Jessica

Yes...He did it!

Yeah...Robert found a truck! It is the same green truck that I discussed earlier in a post...the person wasn't able to get it...so Robert swooped in and made it happen. He even talked them down on the price and got a free tool box in the deal!

It has been very difficult for me to sit idly by while he took care of this... mainly because I am a control freak. I have not been the patient and supporting wife that I should've been, but in the end he did a much better job at this than I ever would have. If left up to me, we would've signed our lives away on a $20,000 truck, because I just wanted it to be done. He on the other hand, did not want to spend more than $12,000 on the vehicle and was going to wait until he found just the right truck. This truck meets the requirements for our family: short bed (so I can drive it), 4 door (so the kids can get into it), and cheap (so my husband will sign the papers!).

I guess there are some lessons to be learned here: 1. God is good and will bless those who trust in him. 2. I am not always right and my way is not always best. and finally, 3. Other people are capable of doing good things if I will leave them alone. Am I missing any?

Anyway...Honey...Good Job!

--jessica

My Friend Anne

My friend Anne is moving away to Arkansas bright and early in the morning. I am a bit bummed about it so I started to think about the reasons that I love her so...doesn't that sound sappy? As I started on my list of reasons to love Anne, the one that kept coming up was the fact that she cares for her friends. I have not known her for long... but even in the midst of the messes that I managed to make of my life in the past year she has been there to remind me that the Lord loves me and that she loves me too. She is the first to say that she will pray for me when I seem to be spiraling out of control and I love that about her. Other things to love about Anne...she hates public restrooms more than me...she appreciates my sarcasm ...and my honesty...which she calls refreshing....she volunteered to lead the pre-k choir when no one else would touch it...and taught the kids so much...she hates to cook (just like me)... and she is a discouraged perfectionist (read earlier post for definition)...... she is a linguistic snob (see Sarah's blog) and finally she makes a great McD's and shopping buddy every Thursday morning. Needless to say, there are many who have been touched by Anne, and she and Steve will be missed. Hopefully the Air Force will deem in necessary to send them back this way soon!

This morning at McD's she had some jokes that I think you will appreciate:

What does the dyslexic pirate say? Q

Why do mommy kangaroos hate rainy days? Because the kids have to play inside

(Love you Anne!)
--jessica

PS. For my other wonderful friends... if you move away... you too will get a post of wonderful things said about you!

Frustration

Life can be so frustrating sometimes. My husband is trying to buy a used truck...you wouldn't think it would be difficult...you go to the dealership (where he works, by the way) and tell them you want a vehicle and this is how much money you would like to spend. In theory, this should be all that is necessary...but apparently at Lawrence Hall you get the special employee treatment. On Saturday, the salesman told Robert he had found him a truck; this morning he said all was good; this afternoon they sold the truck to a 'customer'. What is Robert, chopped liver? If you work there, you aren't a customer? You cannot begin to know how badly I want to go to Lawrence Hall and kick and scream and let them know how irritated I am. Instead, I will just sit on my couch and fume.

--Jessica

Rest

I have survived the weekend...are you surprised? I think I might be! Although my house still looks like a bomb blew up, I do feel like I accomplished something.

Saturday: I finished the 2005 album...now to plan another day to catch up on this year's album. Robert found a truck that fit into his price range...so, now I really do get to keep my little red car. Went to a going away party for my friend Ann...she will be greatly missed...I will tell you more about her later.

Sunday: Went to church...ate Ta Molly's for lunch...we had the best waitress ever...she brought us plates for the kids without us even asking. After church, we went to the hospital to see grandma. She was high on pain pills...it was kindof funny...she just chattered away. The program was tonight and it was great. I didn't screw up my parts...which is always good. My parents came to see their little girl sing in church...something they haven't seen in 12 yrs.

It is 9:30...my kids are asleep...my head is hurting...and I have to get up at 5:45am to teach...so I will share more tomorrow...have a good night.

--Jessica

Giddy

Although I know that by the end of the weekend I will be more than exhausted with tons of homework still to do I am very excited about it! In fact, I feel all giddy like a little kid. It isn't like there is anything earth shattering happening... tonight I have dress rehearsal for the program Sunday night...tomorrow I get to scrapbook for the entire day...Sunday night is the Easter program at church. See...nothing exceptionally exciting! I have been like this all day and I can't figure out why. In a previous post I talked about Sunday being the first time I have sung in church for 12 yrs...so I guess it could be nerves or excitement about doing that. I am very behind scrapbooking...so it could be knowing that I am going to finally be caught up. Who knows what it is but I hope it carries me through a very tiring weekend!

--Jessica

PS. For those in Abilene...I would love to see you Sunday at the program! (HINT HINT) ha ha...do you feel pressured?

What?!

I was perusing the web this morning and came across a link on my MSN home page that said "The breast pump takes off" and I thought...hmmm, what's that about. I clicked on the link and this is what I found.

While I am not currently breast feeding, I am a working mother...and I do not work "to get away from them." Things like this irritate the crap out of me because I know many, many good mothers...mothers who are much better at it than me...who work because to support the family. For me, work is about self-fulfillment, the feeling of satisfaction after a successful lecture...and a means to support my sometimes expensive Target habit. I think I just might to email this woman and let her know my frustration. Here is the link to the article. http://www.slate.com/id/2138639/

--Jessica

He is Powerful!

We are in the midst of a thunderstorm right now and it is beautiful. What better way to be reminded of the Lord's power than by watching the lighting strike the ground and hear the clouds rumble with thunder. It also helps to remind me that He is in control of all that is happening...that He has a plan. Funny how in the midst of the turmoil of my own life...I can see the power of my Lord in a thunderstorm...maybe I am growing up afterall....

My church is having an Easter program this Sunday night at 6pm and I really wish that anyone who reads this would come...or at least the ones in Abilene. The title of the program is Redemption and there are some great songs in it. Oh...you might need directions. The church is Southwest Park Baptist Church and it is on S. 20th between Barrow and Sayles. Hope to see you there...I'll be the one singing the duet "A love that will not let me go"...the song is awfully fitting of the love my Lord has for me, even on my worst days!

--Jessica

Is it you?

So...I think that reading everyone's blogs and wondering who they are is making me resemble a stalker. I was at WM buying ingredients for banana pudding and I looked up and saw a face that looked familiar. I tried to place the face with the places that I go and couldn't place her...then I thought...maybe that is 'supermom'. Long story short, it wasn't and there is now a woman running around Abilene thinking I am crazy! I love my life!
--Jessica

Random Thoughts

Thanks for praying for grandma...she came through the surgery fine. She will be in the hospital for a week, while they pump her full of antibiotics. She has a spacer (coated with very strong antibiotics) taking the place where her knee should be, so she will have to keep her leg straight for 8 weeks in hopes that the infection clears. At the end of 8 weeks, if the infection has cleared they will put in a new knee.

On Sunday, I asked my cousin to take our family picture...instead of a picture he took a movie...I tried to make a picture from the movie...this is what it looks like. I am a little sad...I scrapbook and I need a family picture for the Easter page! Aren't you sad for me? HA HA! I do have some of the girls...guess it will be one more holiday where Mommy's picture isn't in the scrapbook.

I have been doing a bit of shopping over the last few weeks (shhhh, don't tell my husband) and as I did laundry last week I realized there was a great need to clean out my closet or the new clothes weren't going to fit. I cleaned all the winter stuff out...took out all the spring stuff that I won't ever actually wear...and now I have about 2 feet worth of rack left...HMMM what should I do about that? After I finished my closet I moved to my oldest daughter's closet. When she got up the next morning she told me we needed to go shopping, because her closet was empty...I have trained her well!

--Jessica

Happy Easter!

After Thursday night I was not exactly looking forward to this weekend...but it ended up being a great weekend....and I didn't even have to clean my house to make it happen!

On Saturday, we went to my grandparent's house in Sweetwater. We ate lunch...fried chicken...yum yum...and then hung out...the men around the table...the women in the living room. I bounced around a lot as a child and I spent a lot of time with grandma and grandpa. They were the one consistent thing in my life, and they have always loved me no matter what. One of my favorite memories as a child is laying on the couch with grandpa watching the rodeo while grandma cooked us popcorn on the stove. We don't fit on the couch anymore...so the next best thing is to see him sitting in the chair with Kali putting together a puzzle or teaching her to play dominoes. It has been difficult to watch my grandparents age, but I love that my kids have developed a relationship with them. By the way, Kali beat grandpa in dominoes...95 to 70.

When we got home last night, the Easter bunny put together the girl's baskets...this morning Megan asked me "Since when does the bunny give us new socks?" What can I say...they needed socks and what better way to fill up the extra space in the basket...guess I won't try that again!

After church we went to my cousin's house for lunch and an egg hunt. I love my Aunt Sandy (really cousin Sandy, but I call her aunt) she is a lot like me...loud and honest. When she found out my parents were going to be gone she told Kim (her daughter...my friend) to call me and invite us to lunch. We had such a great time and it made me realize that even if my own parents do not want to have family time together...there is nothing keeping us from hanging out with extended family.

As I sign off tonight I ask you to keep my grandparents in your prayers this week. Grandma has an infection in the knee that she had replaced about 5 yrs ago. They are going to take out the knee tomorrow, put in a spacer, and pump her full of antibiotics for 8 weeks. If the infection clears they will put in a new knee in 10 weeks...if the infection doesn't clear they will fuse her leg bones together and she will just have a straight leg. The next 8 weeks will give us an idea of what that would be like! Pray that the infection clears and that the next 8 weeks are manageable. Grandma had a double mastectomy in '94...in those days they took muscles from your arms...so she is going to have a difficult time pushing herself up with her weak arms without putting pressure on her leg and grandpa has a bad back and can't really pull her up! I will keep you posted...Surgery is at 7:30am!

--Jessica

The Phone Call

I will start this by saying that I do love my parents...but what you are about to read is my rant about their behavior from last night.

My dad called at 9:30pm to tell me Mom was having chest pains and he was at Hendrick's with her, but that I was not allowed to come to the hospital. WHAT?!! Being the obedient child that I am (ha) I waited patiently for the next call. It probably helped that I was at the Bean Counter with friends from church who did a great job of distracting me...if you haven't been you should go look at the art work and see what the images make you think of. Anyway, Dad finally called back about 10:30pm to tell me the EKG was normal and that they would be going home in a bit; but the dr. thought this was a wake up call and basically, Mom needs to slow down. She will undergo a stress test next week and they will try to figure out what is going on.

Now for the kicker...my parents were planning a weekend away...don't even get me started about this weekend away, I mean what type of grandparents don't want to see their grandkids hunt eggs? I assumed with Mom's chest pains they would cancel their trip and we would have some type of family get together...I was even prepared to clean my house and cook a meal. Boy, I could not have been more wrong! Of course they are still going on their trip, on their motorcycles, to some hick town, because mom needs to relax. Well, have a good time...hope the hick town has a hospital...just in case!

--Jessica

Karaoke

All semester, my McM students have been begging me to hang out with them while they sing karaoke at Buffalo Wild Wings. So, last night after church choir practice I headed to BWW. Here are a few things that I learned from my evening out:

1. The later it gets the worse the singing gets. This might be due to the courage provided by the $2 Margaritas...but if you go to the restroom it makes it even worse, because you just hear the person singing and not the crowd.
2. If your skirt is only 5"long you really, really, really shouldn't sit on a bar stool to sing your song or visit with your friends. My mommy instinct wanted to sit some girls down and give a lecture.
3. People touch way to much. We sat at a corner table and everytime someone would walk by they would touch my back...I don't know if they were trying to find balance as they turned the corner but come on already...enough with the touching.
4. You shouldn't hug a guy you knew from high school (that you haven't seen since graduation) until you have introduced yourself to his fiance and informed her you are married with two kids. Hmmm....
5. It is always acceptable to sneak out of the building right before your name is called to sing...even if your students do call your cell phone and complain loudly about your cowardice.

I can say that I have gone, I have heard, and I will not be going back anytime soon! I can think of far better ways to hurt my ears! Not to mention, I don't think I could go again and get away with the quick exit!

--Jessica

PS. This spell checker has issues...for HMMMM this time I got Ammo!

I love my husband!

My husband knows that I have been completely stressed out from school and tonight he did the sweetest thing...he stopped on the way home and picked me up some roses, a card, and a bag of bugles. He said that he felt like the flowers and the card wouldn't be enough...so he picked up a bag of my favorite chips too! What a guy!

--Jessica

Success

I finished a big portion of my paper last night at about 11:30pm. I emailed it to my teacher and asked for feedback. She gave me a couple of directions to go with research and content. I have three weeks to get it finished....hmmm...do you think I should wait until the night before again? JUST KIDDING! Thanks for all of the support! It was great inspiration to look at my blog and see the moral support from those who have been reading! You gals are great!

Over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed a common theme throughout the blogs that I read...it is the theme of weariness. My own weariness comes from the fact that I am teaching 5 classes, taking 2 classes, and singing in the church Easter program, as well as trying to repair a marriage that was on the brink of disaster just 6 weeks ago. For the first time in my life, I have realized that I truly cannot do it alone and have had to depend on my Lord. For the first time in my life, I feel a peace and a strength that I have never felt before and it is amazing! I am a long way from where I need to be in my walk with the Lord...I still have control issues and there is still stuff I need to deal with...but I am a firm believer that the Lord takes us where we are and goes from there. So...to all those who are weary...I know how it feels and thanks for sharing it so openly on your blogs.

--Jessica

PS. So...shouldn't the blog spell check be able to recognize the word blog? HMMM.....

UPDATE

Ok...it is 9:15 pm...less than 24 hrs before my paper is due. I am sitting at Java City drinking some kindof highly caffeinated beverage working on my paper. In Courier New font I am at 11 pgs. HMMMM....I did figure out that what is due tomorrow is only a rough draft...so feasibly that means I only need 4 or so more pages to call it a night! Wish me luck...or better yet come to Java City and chat with me while I write!

--Jessica

SO....I just ran spell check before I posted and it suggested that I replace HMMMM with WHAMMY??????

Crunch Time

Ok...I am down to less than two days to finish my paper! Crunch Time! The goal is to spend all day tomorrow working on the paper...even if that means that I don't sleep Monday night! I am guessing that if I could just sit down and write... the paper will come...it always does...especially when the topic is one that is filled with such conflict and I am so interested in. Wish me luck!


--Jessica

PS. If you haven't read the post from Tuesday the 4th "School" ...please do and share your thoughts. A couple of posts have made me get a bit teary eyed...this paper might not be as easy to write as I thought it would be.

Best Cereal Ever

Ok...so I have nothing intellectual to discuss today...BUT...I have found the best breakfast cereal ever!!! Chocolately Peanut Butter Crunch!!! You should all try it! I bought a box and the girls got into it...so I bought another box and hid it in a different cabinet so that I didn't have to share! Isn't that just awful? Being a mom has its perks...but there have been many occasions that I have learned that getting a bowl of your fave cereal isn't one of them. I don't know how many times I've thought "I would like a bowl of Corn Pops..or HoneyComb..." only to find the box empty. I guess hiding a box of cereal might be an all time low...but they are that good.

Hope you have all had a blessed weekend!

--Jessica

Procrastination

For those who have been reading my blog since its inception you can probably see a common thread throughout...procrastination. I procrastinate anytime that I feel that a task is too difficult or I feel like I can't do the task perfectly. I am not sure what is keeping me from doing my research paper but the paper is due in 4 days and I have 4 pages done...which leaves 21 more to go! I could use some motivation to get started right now...anybody have some to share?

I did find out last night in my meeting with my advisor, that I am one class and comps away from having a 2nd Master's Degree...you would think that would be enough to motivate me.

--Jessica

School....

Ok...so here's the deal! I am working on a second M.A. this one in English. In my Adv. Comp. class I am doing a research paper over the definition of mother and how we as a society are influenced by the media. So...here is what I ask from you my blog readers...What is a Mom? Has your personal definition been influenced by the world around us? Etc. Etc. Really, so far the first four pages of my paper have turned into a rant about how difficult it is to do all the things a mother is expected to do. My next step will be to talk about the issues between stay-at-home moms and the working mothers and finally I will discuss the medias influence. I have 4pgs on my definition...only 21 more to go!

Thanks for your help...and I promise to post my paper when it's all said and done so you can see you wonderful posts cited in my paper! If you don't want the world to see your post you can send it to the email on my blog!

--Jessica

Can I Pretend I Didn't See it?

So...I am sitting on my bed in my bedroom with the windows open and the blinds drawn. From this position I can see the road and have been waiting patiently for the school bus to bring my children home. I hear the bus driving up the country road and I look out the window only to see it pass our house. The bus then stops....backs up...and lets out my children. There was no screeching of brakes or anything dramatic like that but the bus was traveling at a high rate of speed (probably 40mph) and then seemed to blindly back up. We live at the top of a hill so I assume the driver could see behind her...but you never know.

It took me a year to even put my children on the bus...we drove them into Abilene because I didn't want to drive them all the way to Clyde and the bus was not even an option. After much persuasion and the discovery that Kali could get free speech therapy and half-day school we switched them to Clyde...which meant that they would ride the bus home together after school. I have begun to love seeing their grubby little faces run up the driveway after getting off the school bus...So my questions are...Can I just pretend I didn't see the unsafe driving? Can I hope that it was an isolated event? Can I minimize the "unsafeness" of stopping and backing on a dirt road? I asked the girls what they thought and they laughed at me!

--Jessica

Catching Up!

I have been gone much of the weekend and it made me realize that I might have an addiction to reading blogs. It was all I could do to not run to the couch, pick up my laptop, and read all of my favorite blogs on Saturday when I go home. I was patient, though, waiting until the kids were at school and Robert had left for work to log on. I posted on Denise's blog that reading blogs had become a procrastination technique...and indeed I am not writing the paper for class that I should be!

Friday and Saturday night we had a ladies retreat at church. We went to the Miller Ranch in Lawn, Tx. They have built the perfect place for ladies retreats. It is a big building, decorated wonderfully, with the downstairs holding the kitchen and the main meeting area and the loft holding bunkbeds. I have been on retreats where everyone went to a hotel room and you really only got to know the people who you shared a room with...not at this place. There was no room to go to...you all shared a common sleeping area. It was great. I feel like I am developing those relationships that you need to have within a church...those people that will love you and pray for you even when you screw up royally (which I do often)! I did only get about 3hrs sleep friday night...partly because the younger generation stayed up late talking about life but the other part being that a certain person who will remain unnamed had her cell phone alarm to go off at the butt-crack of dawn...everyone but her woke up! I can only laugh about it now!

I got home Saturday at 5:27 and had to hop in the shower and throw on clothes and makeup to go to a Rehab charity dinner. It always cracks me up that the non-profit organization has a free bar at the dinner. I understand it...they have a live auction and a silent auction...the more people drink the more they spend. You might think I am joking but here is my favorite example...they had a dog that was a mutt and it got auctioned off 3 times for $400 each time. The third person kept it but the first two guys just wrote the checks and gave the dog back to be auctioned again. Gotta love how easy it is to give away money when you have had too much to drink! I am sure it didn't help that the girl holding the dog and walking around had pants on that convinced me she must shave or be hairless because if anyone else had them on pubs would've been sticking out the top! (Gross, huh?) It really irritated me that her mother kept saying "It's all in the presentation" as her daughter walked around trying to hock the puppy!


This lack of sense does not bother me nearly as greatly as the idea that our little girls are growing up too quickly and their parents do not seem to get it! Here are my two examples from the Rehab dinner. The Rehab sales raffle tickets for a shotgun. At the charity shoot they used teenage girls to sale these raffle tickets and the men fondly referred to one of them as "pink panties" I asked why and was sad that I had asked. She apparently was on a 4wheeler trying to sale the tickets and was wearing a denim skirt that was already too short....everytime she slid off the 4wheeler the men all got to see what color panties she was wearing. I don't know if I am more bothered by the fact that she didn't seem to notice that her skirt was up that high or the fact that her parents obviously didn't care enough to take control of the situation and put more clothes on their child. My second example goes right along with this one...I walk up to my husband and a man I have never met to see what they are talking about (can I just say how bored I was) and this cute girl walks up. She is in white capris with a black corset on top and she is looking for her father. The man I don't know points her in the right direction and then turns to tell us that the girl is 14! 14 and in a corset that accentuates her very perky boobs, along with the white capris that make it very obvious that the child is pantyless. 14 and every man in the place is staring at her as she walks by! WHY might I ask would any parent allow their child...their 14yr old child walk out of the house like that? Robert looked at me and said NEVER! I just smiled...I know we will reach a day that our beautiful daughters are going to put on clothes and we are going to realize that they have perky boobs and legs we would all die for...and hopefully we will have more sense than those people and tell them to put more clothes on!

Ok...enough procrastinating! I must start my paper! If anyone wants to help let me know! :) I am writing over the definition of mother! Post your definition and I can use it in my paper!

--Jessica

The Friendly Frontier?

Last year when the city of Abilene decided to change their slogan to "The Friendly Frontier" I just kind-of laughed and wondered who came up with that idea. Well...now I am downright irritated by it. Has anyone been to Wal-Mart or K-Mart lately....nothing friendly about those people! Have you tried to buy parts for a car at the store where apparently only men are supposed to shop...nothing friendly there either. I eat out almost daily...most encounters at sit-down restaurants are merely ok...nothing spectacular. Fast food is even worse...I often find myself wanting to tell the person behind the counter they should try to smile and at least pretend they like their job. I understand that people have bad days and that it isn''t always easy to be nice to people...especially those of us with difficult orders like "plain and dry" on all my burgers! BUT...don't try to call us the Friendly Frontier if we can't show it by our actions. Who knows...maybe the people who thought up the slogan decided that if they labeled us as friendly we would slowly start to act that way!

Ok...so that is my rant for the day! I will say that the guy named Steve at the WM on this side of town was the only redeeming factor for the store when I went on Sunday! He actually smiled at me and helped me put my groceries in my cart!

--Jessica

I QUIT!

For the last few weeks, my mantra has been "I quit...I don't want to do this anymore." Last night at Wal-Mart I saw a shirt that said "I don't want to do this anymore!" and I almost bought it. But it was missing the most important part. It is different to say you don't want to do something anymore...that means you probably still will, you just would rather not. When you throw the "I Quit" phrase into the mix it changes the meaning. By adding "I Quit" you are telling those around you that you are done with whatever the task might be. There are several things in my life that I would like to quit right now...but unfortunately for me, most of them I cannot. I can't quit my jobs...I need the money. I can't quit my English classes...they may be the difference between me working and not working next fall. I can't quit being a mother...because no one else would do the job and I would feel guilty if someone else screwed up my kids. I can't quit being a wife...although I have tried to quit this job several times in the last month for some odd reason my husband doesn't like that idea. I can't quit going to church...not because I think my salvation is hingent on being in church but because I need the accountability to stay on the right road.

So...that begs the question...What can I quit? Well, here is the list I came up with:
Shopping: not likely, but it could happen
Eating: I could stand to lose a few pounds
Sleeping: eventually you body will quit asking for it right?
Talking on the phone: again, not likely to happen
Hmmm...that is all I can think of...any ideas?

--Jessica

Friendships

There is a poem that I often receive in my inbox that discusses the reasons that friends come into our lives. They can be placed there by God to satisfy a need, or to help you share, care, and grow. They can stay in your life for a lifetime or just pass through. I do not generally have a difficult time making friends...in fact, I have a tendency to collect them everywhere I go. The part that I have difficulty with is the letting go and saying goodbye. It doesn't seem to matter if the friendship is toxic or if the other party is ready to move on...I will fight for my friendships as long as possible. Today, I had what I'd like to call an "ah ha moment" followed by an "oh crap" moment. As I read the poem again I realized that many of the people I fret over...that I continue to call and invite to things or call to check on, are people that I need to let go of because their purpose has passed...in theory...thus the "ah ha moment". Now, here is the "oh crap" moment...how do you decide who those people are? How do you know that it is time to let a friend go vs. a time to really latch onto a friendship and show the person you care? I can think of people in my life who would fall into both of these categories...and the only reason I can answer that question now is because a large amount of time has passed. So, what are you supposed to do when you are in the heat of the moment? How do you decide who to let go and who to keep?

For those friends who have stuck it out through all my issues (and oh, how I have issues) ....THANK YOU! Thank you for being there when I need a shoulder to cry on...Thank you for being the ones who won't just tell me what I want to hear but instead take the time to tell me what I need to hear (even when I don't want to hear it)...Thank you for being there when I have to pick up the shattered pieces of my life. Ya'll are the best...and you know who you are!

--Jessica

Desperate Housewives

I am unashamedly a Desperate Housewives fan. I watch the show without fail every Sunday night. I know, I know, I can just hear the preacher telling me what an inappropriate show it is! Nevertheless, I watch it and on tonight's show, Lynette hires a woman to work in her firm who is breast feeding her child...not a big deal but the child was like 5 yrs old...EWWWW! In the end the child chooses chocolate milk over mother's milk...what five-year-old wouldn't make that choice! The mom became an emotional wreck...and the reason for this wasn't that her baby was growing up...it was because she was going to have to join a gym and work out in order to burn all those extra calories the breastfeeding had been covering. Now, maybe I am wrong, but I breastfed my youngest and I don't remember any weightloss benefits, just extra hunger pains! Maybe there is some secret I need to know about...I could always have another kid to test the theory! I am always willing to try the newest weightloss craze...do you think this one will catch on?

--Jessica

Choices

Life is about choices. Do I choose to get out of bed and go to church or do I choose to get some much needed sleep? Do I choose to do laundry and clean the house or do I choose to lay on my couch all day whining because I feel like crap? Do I choose to start on my 25pg research paper that is due in about 3 weeks or do I choose to once again put it off and then spend the week stressed out about the amount of schoolwork I have to do? I have noticed a common thread with most of my choices, though, I may choose to not tackle some of these things now but no one else is going to do them...so, either way I will eventually have to make the choice! I cannot begin to tell you how very depressing that thought is! I have a solution to all of this...I can quit school, pack my stuff, and move to Mexico where I can sit on the beach drinking pina coladas all the day long. I am not sure how I will pay for that lifestyle but it sounds very tempting at this point! Anyone wanna come with?

--Jessica

Full Circle

For those of you who know me, you know that music is the thing that brings me the greatest joy. My love of music began when I was young and was nurtured by my grandmother. Grandma would play songs on her piano and we would sing at the top of our lungs. When I was about 5, I told Grandma that she needed to be quiet so that I could sing by myself! My earliest memory of church going is sitting on the front pew while Grandma played the piano for the church...we were singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain" and the only part of the song I really knew was the chorus. So, I would mumble through the verses but as soon as we got to the chorus I would stand up tall and sing at the top of my lungs! I am sure that I sang like most small children...slightly off key...but I just remember the joy I felt at praising the Lord in song.

Tonight at choir practice I found out that I will be singing a duet in the Easter program with one of the guys. I am very excited about it. Not only because I love to sing and I am honored that our director would allow me to sing this particular song...but also because I feel that I have come full circle in some ways. The last time I sang in church was Easter Sunday, 1994. I was 18 yrs old and so unfaithful to my Lord. I had gone out with friends the night before, gotten tanked, and barely made it to church. I got up on the stage to sing and for the first time in my life knew that I would be singing the song alone. Not alone as in no other person with me...I mean alone as in the presence of the Lord was not there. I felt the aloneness that one who turns their back on the Lord feels...and it was miserable. The opportunity to sing again in church, to praise the Lord with the gift that He gave me, leaves me with a feeling I cannot describe. I am nervous because it has been so long and there will be a lot of people there...but I am elated because I know that this is God's will...and this is God's way of saying it is time.

The song that Mark and I are singing is titled "A Love That Will Not Let Me Go." I screw up daily as a Christian and the one thing that gets me through some days is the knowledge that no matter what my Lord loves me and He is holding me. I also know that He is not going to let me go. So...this song is very appropriate for where I am in my life. Isn't funny how the Lord works?

--Jessica

The joys of Raising Girls!

Today was school picture day! Most people would think Yippee...I on the otherhand was not so excited. What it meant for me was getting up 30 min early to make Megan shower...then get dressed in clothes too nice to wear to school...and then fix her hair....all so that in a few weeks I can buy pictures that are not so wonderful just because they are her school pictures. FUN FUN! Out of my pain and misery, though, I have a story from each kid that have made me giggle all day!

As I was blow drying Megan's hair this morning, she started to cry...for no obvious reason. I asked if I had pulled her hair...she said no. I asked why she was crying she said "I don't know"...and began to wail! I dried her tears and told her it was ok and we went on with the hair fixing. As I began to tuck her hair behind her ears...and show her how to frame her face so that it looks the most flattering, she began to wail again. I again asked what was wrong and she yelled at me "I don't like my ears!" What? She is eight years old! What is wrong with her ears? I never could get an answer out of her, but I am concerned that she is a little young to be worried about what her ears look like when her hair is tucked behind them!

After I got Megan deposited onto the schoolbus (with her hair tucked behind her "ugly" ears)...I went home to get Kali ready. I gave her a bath and blow dryed her hair...which she informed me was ok because very straight hair was very pretty....Did I mention she is FIVE? I got her dressed, turned on Dora, told her to find her shoes and hopped into the shower myself. After I got out of the shower she came walking into my bathroom with one hand covering her mouth and one holding her shoes. I asked what was up...if she needed a kleenex for her snotty nose...and she looked at me with eyes that said "I am up to something!" I pulled her hand down and there, smeered on her little lips was the brightest shade of pink I had ever seen! I held it together...I didn't yell...I simply got some toilet paper and wiped her lips clean...while trying not to laugh. She didn't even give me a chance to lecture her...I was wiping and she was swearing it wouldn't happen again. Here is my question, though, how did she think she was going to make it out the door, to the car, and into pre-k without me noticing her bright pink lips?

Oh...the joys of parenting!

--Jessica

Discouraged Perfectionist

I found it! I found the label that fits me exactly! I am a "discouraged perfectionist". What is a discouraged perfectionist? Well, in our Bible Study on parenting last night we spent time covering a book about birth order. In the book, they suggest that 'only children' and 'oldest children' will likely fall into the trap of "discouraged perfectionist" because they realize that they aren't perfect...which isn't acceptable to them...and so instead of not being perfect they just won't try. The book suggested that the discouraged perfectionist would live in a mess, have a life that was unorganized, appear to be flaky, and wait until the last possible second to do work. All of that is me. I found it rather refreshing to have a name to put with my issues!

Don't be discouraged, though, not all 'only children' and 'oldest children' fall into this trap....just the ones with overbearing, control freak mothers! Examples of things this mother might do...the child makes the bed...the mom says it looks great...and then smoothes the covers. This is telling the child that indeed all is not great and so the child then begins to question why they should bother trying if it will not be good enough anyway. I feel that way with my house...why bother trying...I can't get it all done...I can't get even part of it done like I want before someone messes it up!

I know that much of what I read in parenting books is someone's theory and that I need to take it all with a grain of salt...but, I feel that this idea actually has a bit of truth in it. I don't believe every first born child will end up this way...but I do think that as parents, if we ride our children and tell them with our actions that are not enough it will follow them throughout their lives. The same concept works with friends and even husbands. The difference is that as an adult I can choose not to be friends with people who constantly put me down and I could choose to not be married...but a child has no options. They can't leave. Instead they must endure and the end result is oftentimes a "discouraged perfectionist."

On a lighter note, my dog Boots is in heat (which, by the way, makes me happy she is an outside dog)...and when I looked outside a little bit ago there was the cutest white male dog hanging around. I drove around and asked the neighbors whose dog it was...amazingly no one fessed up to ownership...but when I was talking to this cute old man down the street he said the white dog was really sweet and often hung around their house but it wasn't theirs (????)...and that Boots was probably already prego! I looked at him and smiled and said "well, she's black, he's white...they ought to have some cute babies!" He looked at me and giggled...how often do you hear a grown man giggle?...and then said "Maybe they'll be pok-a-dotted." Gotta love a man with a sense of humor!

--Jessica

It's Raining...It's Pooring...The Owls are Flying!

It has rained all weekend! I really wish it would stop...shhhh, don't tell anyone I said that! Abilene is once again behind in our rainfall total so everyone is town is praising the rain. Everyone except me! I would love it if it rained only at night and then absorbed into the ground before my children crawled out of bed. Instead, it has rained for three days and since we live in the country...on a dirt road...everywhere I look is muddy. Mud that my pets and my children want to touch and track into my house. EWWWW! Not to mention that normal tasks like getting into the car, going to Wal-Mart, or even going to church this morning were much more difficult because there was water everywhere. Oh well, this is Abilene and come the middle of summer when it is 100 degrees outside and I am whining that I would like rain...you can just remind me that I was the one who wanted it to stop raining!

On a lighter note, on the way home tonight...in the rain...in the dark...I noticed something coming towards my car. I couldn't make it out, at first, and then I realized that it was an owl and it was flying directly at my car. I hit the brakes and slowed down...and the owl barely missed me. Can you imagine how irritated I would have been if an owl had flown into my little red car? Not to mention, I really cannot afford another insurance claim. Then again, can the insurance company raise your rates if you file a claim because you were attacked by an owl?

--Jessica

Working together...sort-of!

Robert and I spent 5 hrs working on the little red car today! We...and by we I mean HE...put on a water pump and a belt tensioner. I wanted to help but having grown up around men and their cars...I know when to stay out of the way! My job was mainly to keep the girls from burning down the shop. The girls colored and danced and eventually Robert created a game for them to play...throw the washers into a box...they loved it! I did get to help tighten some nuts in the end and that was fun! I told Robert that this could be our new hobby...we could buy cars and I could watch while he fixed them up...and then I could spend all of the profit we made after we sold the cars! He just laughed at me...which is great! I love that I can make him smile with my asinine ideas! We did get the car in mostly working order. There is definetly something wrong with it...but we may actually have to take it to a mechanic to get that figured out. I got to drive it out to my parent's house. They thought it was pretty but my mom is more than convinced that I do not need a little red sports car! WHAT DOES SHE KNOW???? (I wrote that with a huge smile by the way! My mom knows many things and I just hate when she is correct!)

Hmmm...

I was trying to decide what title I should pick for my blog entry today but I am stumped, because there are so many things I could write about.

I could've titled it "Finally...It's over" because today is the last day of spring break! THANK THE LORD! Not that I do not love my kids with all of my heart but....I have been home with them for 5 full days. 5 full days of whining, fighting, crying, etc. We have gone to the park twice, McD's twice, the movies, the drive-in, the zoo and we have had sleepovers. They have had a great week with lots of fun...but I am at my wits end. I have invested loads of time, money, and energy on them and yet somehow it has not been enough. When we went to McD's they wanted BK. When we went to the park....they wanted a different park. I know my friend Windy would say that this is because they are spoiled and I should've made them stay home...she is probably right about the spoiled part. I tend to give them way more than they need...and way more than they deserve. The best reward for their behavior this week would've been to make them stay home and clean my filthy house...but that would meant I was stuck at home as well and that is not something I like to do. I love to go skating with the kids and take them to the park and see movies. The best part of parenting is getting to have fun with my kids. To have stayed home this week would have been a punishment for me too....and it is MY spring break too!

The second title I came up with was "Sleep...who needs it?" because this week has not included much sleep for me. Between going out with my friends, meeting my dad for breakfast at the butt crack of dawn, and working on the little red car...I am tired! Which might have something to do with my decreased patience with my children. You would think that I would realize that the best thing to do would be to stay home tonight and go to bed early...but no, I think I will go scrapbook with my friends until midnight or later, instead of sleeping!

The third title I came up with was "What a man!" because my husband has more than sacrificed to get my little red car running. He has gone to bed late and woken up early...which if you know him you would know that the only time he ever gets out of bed before 7:30 am is when he is going hunting. This morning he was out of bed at 6am to finish up my car so I could drive it today. I feel bad, because I am pretty sure that what the mechanic told Barb when she took it in was not true since all we did was change the radiator fluid and wash out the engine and the car is working just fine! In fact, the girls and I drove it around today without any problems at all! It was fun to drive around but my oldest daughter is almost too tall to sit comfortably in the back seat...that means that I have two options: One is to let her sit in the front seat which means she is touching my stuff and in my personal space...or I sale the car because we don't fit! Hmmm...decisions, decisions.

Well...I guess if I am staying out all night I should go be the good wife and load the dishwasher before I go!

--Jessica

Patience....Patience!

One of my most irritating personality traits has to do with my inability to be patient when I am really excited about something! The little red car that my husband purchased for me yesterday is falling into this category! I want it running....and I want it running now! In fact, I would like to sit in the floor and kick my feet and cry...much like my five-year-old has been doing lately but that's another issue. However, as an adult I know that this behavior would be completely inappropriate! Instead I must sit here, ask questions and SMILE at my husband when he tells me he thinks it is going to take a lot of work and time! I understand the concept of work...I am even willing for him to work late for the next two evening and I will even sacrifice my weekend so he can get my car running. Aren't I sweet?

At some level I know I need to take a deep breath and let him do things on his time....but let me explain what his time means to me. He bought the LT1 that he is going to put into the camero 10 yrs ago and has done nothing with it except move it from one place to another. When we moved into our house a year ago we pulled the carpet out of the bathroom (because what idiot puts carpet in a bathroom) and he was going to put tile down....the box of tiles is still under my bed. I bought a new kitchen faucet 4 months ago...it is still leaning against the wall waiting to be installed. I bought a new fancy shower head 6 months ago...still sitting on the closet shelf waiting to be put into my shower. So.....as you can see his time and my time are not the same thing! I am trying to be patient and kind. I am trying not to nag him or be rude to him. In fact, last night I told him that I understood that he needed time to get all of his ducks in a row and I didn't even add a but....get it done quickly please!

Patience is on of those things that I pray for constantly. Patience with my kids, patience with my students, patience with my husband. I feel a little weird asking God for patience in this situation. It's not like we don't have two perfectly good vehicles. It's not like having the vehicle next weekend instead of this one would have life altering affects. I know that I am being selfish and that I need to take a deep breath and wait. There is the saying "Good things happen to those who wait"...that is my least favorite saying because I am not good at waiting. I get excited and I just do it...I guess the famous shoe slogan is more my style. I can only imagine what blessings I have missed because I didn't wait to see what God had in store for me.

So, I guess today I will not call my husband every hour and ask him if he has gotten started yet, or if I need to get a part for him...instead, I will take the kids on a picnic and I will try not to think about my little red car.

--jessica

It's a Girl!

No...I am not pregnant...God really wouldn't do that to me! I am responding to the breakfast that I had with my dad (really my step-dad, Willy) this morning at 6:45 AM at Cracker Barrel. (6:45AM is really the butt-crack of dawn, by the way.) During the Christmas Holidays, I told my step-dad that he needed to adopt me because he really had been my longest running father. My biological father left when I was two. My adopted father killed himself about a year after I had been adopted. My step-dad married my mom when I was almost 8 and has been there every since. He was never really allowed to be a "dad" because my mom was afraid that with my history of abuse having him punish me would be harmful. I understand why she felt that way and I know she did the best that she could, but I have always had the thought that I might not have been so promiscuous if there had been a daddy watching over me.

Well, apparently my step-dad has been obsessing about the suggested adoption since Christmas. He called last week to see if I would go eat lunch with him...I thought I was in trouble for possibly leaving my husband so I said yes, but I have been putting it off. I called him yesterday and decided that I would meet him for breakfast since the kids and Robert would be asleep and I wouldn't have to worry about childcare. He seemed really nervous and I couldn't figure out why...and then he told me why...he wanted to adopt me but he was worried I would say no. Why would I say no? It was my idea! So...with all that said, my step-dad is going to adopt me. Did I mention that I am 30 yrs old and married with two kids? My husband laughed at me...Apparently he thinks the idea of adopting an adult child is silly...but at some level, I think this is exactly what I need. To know that I have a daddy who will fight for me and love me and take care of me might help me with some of my issues. I will keep you posted on the details...I wonder how much work this is going to be?

On a completely different note...my friend Barbara had a red camero that the engine died on so she took it to the Lawrence Hall (where my husband works) and traded it in for $500. My husband has an engine that he could just drop into it so he is now at work trying to buy me a red camero!!! Did I mention that Texas has this new points system for driver's licenses and I have already reached my points quota for THREE YEARS...that is what happens when you get 4 tickets in less than a year...and my husband is considering giving me a red camero with an LT1 in it????? He really should reconsider! OR....I should just realize that while the car will go fast I should not drive it over the speed limit...and I should wear my seatbelt!! Hmmm...that is a thought!!!

--Jessica

Owww!!!!

Our Saturday family outing included a birthday party at the local skating rink. I have never been one to go to the skating rink and just sit and watch the children skate, so this trip was no different. Robert and I put the girls' skates on and watched them for about five minutes...and then I had to go get a pair. I jokingly told Robert that I would skate until I fell and then I would be done...of course, thinking that there was no way that I was going to fall. Boy was I wrong! I did well for the first two hours...but on my last time around before "cake time" I turned the corner and landed on my behind. OWWWWW! No one saw...or at least no one that would pick on me about it...Robert, Windy, Chris, or my kids!!! I did, though, immediately take my skates off and tell everyone what had just happened. Since they didn't see me bounce...they couldn't raz me nearly as badly.

It has been two days since the fall at the rink...and my body hurts in places that I did not know existed! I would like to say that when I take the kids skating this week (no school--it's spring break!) that I will just sit and watch them skate....but I am sure that despite my sore bottom I will not be able to resist the call of the rink! Besides, who can resist skating to "girls just wanna have fun."

--Jessica

Superwoman or Slacker?

I am sitting here procrastinating once again. I have to read about 200 pgs for class tonight and I am supposed to type notes as I do the reading! Who's bright idea was that? Why would you need to type the notes as you read the chapter in a textbook? It makes absolutely no sense to me...and I would actually keep up with my reading if I didn't have to type the notes. Who can type and read? Gotta love teachers!

Usually when I procratinate, I sit on the couch watching Dr. Phil while looking around the internet. Today, I saw a quiz that interested me after my post this morning about being a wife or a slave. The quiz is titled "Are you a Superwoman or a Slacker?" I can never resist the urge to take these types of quizzes so I took it. Because I am sitting on the couch not doing what I am supposed to, I really thought that I would be a slacker. Boy, was I wrong. According to the quiz, I am SUPERWOMAN!! Their solution is to start saying no to people. Hmmm...where should I start? Should it be with my husband, children, students, employers, the music minister at church, or my friends? Who gets the first no???? There are no real options here! Everyone requires something of me and it generally is something that I cannot say no to. I really think I just need a wife...or a clone!

Here is the link to the quiz http://quiz.ivillage.com/health/tests/busybody.htm?par=msnmbswbrelated%20%20%20&iv_cobrandRef=msnwomen Take it and let me know where you stand!

--Jessica

I Want a Wife!

Yesterday, one of the other professors handed me an essay entitled "I Want a Wife". As I read through it, it dawned on me that my entire issue with being a wife is that somehow the term has been confused with slave. This list of 'jobs' that 'belong' to a wife are very long indeed and when the wife isn't home these jobs just simply do not get done. I am not talking about loading the dishwasher or starting the washer, I am talking about all the other things mothers do.

My daughter needs to see the pediatrician for a second Hep shot. You cannot know how badly I do not want to take the child for this shot. She is five and five year olds do not sit calmly and quietly for a shot. In order for the shot to be given successfully I will have to climb onto the dr's table with her and become a sort of straight jacket to hold her down. Last night, I asked my husband who our pediatrician was, where his office was located, how I make appointments, what insurance the girls have and where the cards are, and where I fill prescriptions. He knew who the pediatrician was and the insurance plan the girls have but that was all. When I tried to point out to him that this was a problem his answer was "do you want to go get the job that supports our family?"

HMMMMM....how am I supposed to respond to that?

--Jessica

I Survived!

Well, I survived my birthday experience! It was an evening with lots of margaritas and these grand little shots called "blow jobs". If you haven't had one, you should rush right down and have that experience. I did figure out that I do not have the ability to drink an entire pitcher of margaritas as well as five shots and still walk a straight line. I must be getting old! Good thing I thought ahead and had a designated driver! Thanks Shannon...I appreciate that you gave up an evening of drinking just so you could drive my drunk butt home!

--Jessica

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Well, I am now officially 30 years old. Wow! I have come a long way in 30 years. I was the product of a teen pregnancy and marriage by two people who had no business being involved in either. I was then greatly abused until my aunt and uncle adopted me at the age of 5. My teen years were marked with rebellion and struggle and I was sure that life would get easier when I became an adult. Little did I know that the struggles we encounter in adulthood are just as difficult as the ones we encounter in childhood.

I was married at 19 to a guy who was everything my little heart could desire...remember, it was a 19 yr old heart which means the desires included tall, wrangler wearing, cowboy, muscular, funny etc. etc. My list didn't include kind, caring, loving, patient, etc. but I guess those must have been there, as well, since we celebrated our 10 yr anniversary in December. After marriage, we did the normal young couple things...first got pets...then had babies...bought a house and a car. I graduated a couple of years ago with a M.A. in Communication and started teaching at a local junior college.

Through all of this, I have never been exceptionally happy. In fact, life has been rather frustrating. I feel underappreciated by my husband and my children. I feel like the role of the wife and mother has somehow become confused with slave. So, in response to these feelings I did what any self-respecting woman would do...I got a tattoo for my birthday! (The one pictured above...Justin at Happy Dragon did an awesome job!!!) My parents paid the money...which just makes me laugh. It is almost as if they are aiding in my rebellion against the world. Because, you see, 30 yr old women, who teach college classes, and have two children should not go and do things like this...or so that is what is going on in my head right now. For my birthday, my friends that I have picked up from all the different areas of my life...church, teaching, scrapbooking, barhopping, etc...are joining me for an evening at a local Mexican restaurant known for their margaritas. I am betting that we will have a wonderful time...or at least a time that will fill my rebellious need, kindof like the tattoo!

--Jessica