You know, when I started this blog it was a place for me to go to express my emotions and concerns. It was therapeutic for me to write and I used it to process what was going on in my life. As time has passed, though, I have blogged less and less and struggled more and more with making sense of my life... sooooo.... guess it's time to start with the blogging again!
I have several things weighing me down today... so here goes..
1. My niece McKenzie is in the hospital at cooks and there is a good chance that she is not going to come home. For those unfamiliar with McKenzie, she is my brother's child and she is special needs. She had open heart surgery about two weeks ago and they have had to 'go back in' for complications twice now. Because she has had to be intubated 3 times in the last two weeks, they have discovered that her trachea is oval instead of round. Not sure what that means, other than it's not normal, and apparently there is a flap that is staying open somewhere and she is on a ventilator until further notice. Anyway... the short of it is that Kenz is about to end up with a trach and the likelihood of her making it much longer is decreasing rapidly. My mom and I have struggled with all of this because honestly, Kenz is not going to have much of a life as she is mentally and physically handicapped just like her sister Alyssa. So... is this a blessing in disguise???? I know that I have no control over this situation... but I pray for Ashley (Kenzie's mom)... for her strength to handle whatever is coming... and I pray that my little brother doesn't flake out as he so often does...
2. My second concern... my grandpa has set a wedding date of Sept 12th. This is very difficult for my family. I have remained quiet and tried to think happy thoughts about it, but I'm getting the impression that my Uncles are not doing the same! We all loved my gma very much and seeing gpa move on sooooo quickly is rough...especially since we do not know this woman very well! My mom has cried every time I have spoken to her about it and the woman NEVER cries! I get that gpa needs companionship... I do get it... and it isn't fair for us to tell him he has to be alone just because we are all still morning gma... but seriously... it won't have even been a year! My mom and I have joked that Jennie (the girlfriend) hasn't actually been to a family get together yet.... she may change her mind when she sees gpa's 5 kids and 17 grandchildren in one location.
3. DIVORCE SUCKS... plain and simple... DIVORCE SUCKS... I mean, it doesn't matter how amicable I would like things to be... there is simply no way around bitterness, hurt, and tears. If we aren't having conflict over time, money, or the children, then we are fighting over stupid crap like bookshelves and china. Then there is the whole pointing fingers crap... who hurt whom the worst, etc. The truth is, Robert and I have both done things to hurt the other... it SUCKS... but it is the truth! Most of our relationship was reactionary to the pain we felt from some behavior or treatment the other was exhibiting and we never could seem to get it together in terms of both wanting to fix things at the same time! So now... we move on... we split our crap and hope we can do better apart than together! I watched "17 Again" with the girls this weekend and it was a rough movie to see with all that is going on. I won't give the movie away, but basically it is about having the chance to do it all again... to walk away from a decision you made at 17.... and how life would have been different. Wow... let's just say I cried. As much as I say I wouldn't have done things the same... I probably would have... I did love Robert the way an 18 yr old loves another... but I did love him... and I have two wonderful children that I wouldn't have had without that relationship. I just wish that we had done better by each other and for each other...
4. Ok... and the last whine about why my life is overwhelming me today... this has been the worst semester of my entire teaching experience... and has made me really want to consider my career field! Between my ADD, depression, various illnesses and the divorce, I have been unable to give it my all. Add to that the fact that this semesters kids have been downright lazy and unmotivated, it is turning out to be a miserable semester! I had my shining starts... the students who will be a part of my life years from now... but for the most part I just want to post grades and never see some of these kids again! How sad is that??? I have 3 CJC courses for a beginning total of 76 students... of that 76... only 36 or so will finish out the semester! My MCM classes were a little better, but I have had more excuses about why stuff isn't completed on time than any other time in my life! It truly does suck to be on this end of it and know that I will be recording more F's than any other time in my life! I asked my students to write me a paragraph about the grade they think they deserved in my class... most of them were pretty honest and realistic... but I was amazed that some of my worst students felt that they still deserved an A in my class! Let's talk about taking responsibility for our actions... please??? Grr!!! Two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more...
5. Ok... maybe that wasn't the last... I miss my friends. I miss the people I teach with that won't speak to me now because I left my husband. I miss my church friends that I don't see, because he got the church in the split. I am not friendless, by any means, there have been many people who have stepped up to be a support system for me... people I didn't even know that I can count on like I do... and I love that... but I still miss those old friends too (and their kids)! Not sure how to change much of that... I mean, I'm not going back to the church and everyone is so busy... guess I'll just have to hope they all join the pool this summer! Oh and did I mention that my new bestest friend thinks she is leaving me for some stupid job that her hubs might take in Virginia... grrr...
Ok... I think that about does it... sorry it is such a depressing post... I'll try to post something a little more positive when I am not sitting on the couch crying... I do know that life goes on and this is just a passing phase... I am still sick as a dog and that can't be helping my mental/emotional capabilities right now! So... I am going to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and get busy purging my house for a garage sale that I am going to have to have in order to make ends meet this month....
Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hugs!
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