Ugh... the joy of summer...

Kali just came up to me with a balloon all blown up and decorated.... she told me it was a balloon punching bag of Megan... does that tell you how our summer is going! How much longer til school starts?

Divorce/Marriage Counseling...

About to walk out the door for divorce/marriage counseling with Robert. Not sure how I feel about it all. I mean, it's too late to undo the damage and I'm certainly not willing to just move on right now... so the Lord only knows how this appointment is going to go... ugh...

wait, by move on... I don't mean I'm not ready to start my new life... I am ready to start my new life... I meant I'm not dumb enough to think that both of us have changed in any ways that would make our marriage succeed... sorry if that is cynical... just not feeling it today...

Summer....

Geesh... I stop updating my blog and people nag me about it... man alive... I didn't even realize people were still reading! =)

Anyway, I'm having a difficult time knowing what to post on my blog now... I mean, so many of my friends have disapproved of the choices I have made over the last year... so if I post about going on a date or something like that I am likely to offend... And I know y'all don't want to hear about the drama that is divorce... Right?

Oh well.. I'll just do a short update of what is happening in our life...
1. I keep having to ground Megan from reading... she would sit in her room 24/7 and never move... cannot have that... the girl has got to learn to be active...
2. Found out on Sunday that Robert is dating someone from Louisiana... although he denies that he has a gf... it is hard to think of her as anything else when he traveled to houston to see her...
3. I have gone on a few dates... some were good... some were bad... but all in all they all have made me realize dating STINKS!!!
4. I am enjoying summer like crazy... lots of concerts... lots of dancing... loots of fun with friends!!
5. I need a part-time job to pay my bills this summer...

Ok.. ok.. there is a little something... at least until I wake up from my nap...

What a weekend...

Wow! That's about as creative as I can get regarding this weekend! It was rough! Last week, my friends father passed away unexpectedly! John and his wife Jessica have been my friends since high school and we all hung around the same crowds in school. So.... that meant that there were a lot of people I hadn't seen since high school in town. It was weird to sit in the living room Saturday night with the boys that I adored in high school and to see how they had changed. Needless to say, there was a bit of what if going through my mind.... thankfully, all of the what ifs ended with ewwwww thoughts, so I'm safe! =)

In about 3 hrs I will be sitting in day surgery at Hendrick waiting for my tonsillectomy to begin. I went to the dr last week with another stinkin' sore throat and Dr. King decided they were icky and should come out! I'm fine with it, because I'm sooooo sick of having sore throats, but I also know this surgery is one that adults really have a hard time with! So...keep me in your prayers! My mommy and several friends are going to babysit me... let's hope I remember to be nice and that I survive the many, many days of no conversation!

The cross

Ladies retreat is something that I look forward to every year...this
year, I knew it would be rough and I knew that I had to go, but I'm
not sure I knew how much I needed to be here. In fact, as I write this
blog, I'm thinking about each of these woman and what they bring to
the retreat! There's the older generation...the one my gma belonged
to...these woman have experienced more life than I will ever know and
have a faith in the Lord that amazes me. When I listen to what they've
overcome, I am truly in awe. The next generation is my mom's
generation! This group of women have been through sooooo much, as
well, and yet they laugh like there have been no bad times. And then,
there's my generation. What a combination we are...there's the college
instructor, the real estate rookie, the ex-meth addict, the stay at
home mom, and the college student...all from the same gene pool, and
yet so many different walks of life.I find it very interesting that the ones that seem to have it the most together is the oldest generation...my grandmas sisters. Why is this?

What is so different about that generation? Is it their faith in the
Lord? Is it the wisdom that comes with age? Maybe I'll figure it out
before I come home tomorrow! What I do know, is that I'm sitting at the foot of the cross...the cross at the Chapel on the Hill... in solitude... Wondering what my
life is going to look like this time next year. I'm questioning the
decisions I have made and the road I am on. And yet, although I'm
filled with these questions, I am filled with a peace that can only
come from knowing Him. For no matter what mess I make of my life, He
loves me more than I'll ever know. And maybe that is the lesson I was
supposed to learn on this retreat...that through Him all things are
possible...that I need to let Him carry me...or as Dana taught at
ladies retreat, I need to let Him lead in this dance called life.

Ok...back down the mountain I go before the family starts looking for
me!
Sent from my iPhone

Productivity...

In celebration of the ending of the semester, I have done a whole lotta nothin' this week... and now it is catching up to me! I leave to go to Hunt, TX this afternoon for our annual Smith Family Ladies Retreat and have entirely too much to do before 3pm. There is laundry to do before I can pack... There are dishes to be done, so my house doesn't smell when I get back... and oh yeah, haven't gotten anyone to feed the dogs while I'm gone! Hmmm... better work on that... oh and did I mention the grass needs to be mowed, but I can't get the mower started??? Hmmm... oh well... if I have learned anything over the last few months, is that I can't do it all... so I guess what I get done, I get done... the rest will wait until Sunday! 

Wrapping up a semester...

About to head off to teach my last class of the semester! I love my job, but the end of the semester is always rough! I hate to see my kiddos go! I mean, I start the semester with the idea that these are my students... not my responsibility.... but by the end of the semester I have counseled them on relationships, lectured them on the perils of drinking and oversleeping, and listened to them  cry over their mistakes! So... needless to say... the end of the semester is like saying goodbye to my own children! The kids walking across the stage on Saturday are from the first semester that I taught at Mcm... I am soooo excited for them and the opportunities that they have ahead of them... and yet sad because my kids are leaving the nest! Needless to say, if I make it to graduation Saturday, I will need to bring tissues!!! 

Oh... and the if I make it to graduation part is due to the sinus infection that I have the is kicking my butt!!! It has settled into my chest, so I keep trying to cough up a lung! Needless to say, I don't want to get anyone else sick, nor do I want to sit on the hot stage in graduation garb while coughing up my lungs! Oh well.... maybe I won't catch the swine flu if I skip graduation! haha!

Life goes on...

EDIT: Felt much better after I wrote all of this and had a good cry... amazing how that works! 

You know, when I started this blog it was a place for me to go to express my emotions and concerns. It was therapeutic for me to write and I used it to process what was going on in my life. As time has passed, though, I have blogged less and less and struggled more and more with making sense of my life... sooooo.... guess it's time to start with the blogging again! 

I have several things weighing me down today... so here goes.. 

1. My niece McKenzie is in the hospital at cooks and there is a good chance that she is not going to come home. For those unfamiliar with McKenzie, she is my brother's child and she is special needs. She had open heart surgery about two weeks ago and they have had to 'go back in' for complications twice now. Because she has had to be intubated 3 times in the last two weeks, they have discovered that her trachea is oval instead of round. Not sure what that means, other than it's not normal, and apparently there is a flap that is staying open somewhere and she is on a ventilator until further notice. Anyway... the short of it is that Kenz is about to end up with a trach and the likelihood of her making it much longer is decreasing rapidly. My mom and I have struggled with all of this because honestly, Kenz is not going to have much of a life as she is mentally and physically handicapped just like her sister Alyssa. So... is this a blessing in disguise???? I know that I have no control over this situation... but I pray for Ashley (Kenzie's mom)... for her strength to handle whatever is coming... and I pray that my little brother doesn't flake out as he so often does... 

2. My second concern... my grandpa has set a wedding date of Sept 12th. This is very difficult for my family. I have remained quiet and tried to think happy thoughts about it, but I'm getting the impression that my Uncles are not doing the same! We all loved my gma very much and seeing gpa move on sooooo quickly is rough...especially since we do not know this woman very well! My mom has cried every time I have spoken to her about it and the woman NEVER cries! I get that gpa needs companionship... I do get it... and it isn't fair for us to tell him he has to be alone just because we are all still morning gma... but seriously... it won't have even been a year! My mom and I have joked that Jennie (the girlfriend) hasn't actually been to a family get together yet.... she may change her mind when she sees gpa's 5 kids and 17 grandchildren in one location.

3. DIVORCE SUCKS... plain and simple... DIVORCE SUCKS... I mean, it doesn't matter how amicable I would like things to be... there is simply no way around bitterness, hurt, and tears. If we aren't having conflict over time, money, or the children, then we are fighting over stupid crap like bookshelves and china. Then there is the whole pointing fingers crap... who hurt whom the worst, etc. The truth is, Robert and I have both done things to hurt the other... it SUCKS... but it is the truth! Most of our relationship was reactionary to the pain we felt from some behavior or treatment the other was exhibiting and we never could seem to get it together in terms of both wanting to fix things at the same time! So now... we move on... we split our crap and hope we can do better apart than together! I watched "17 Again" with the girls this weekend and it was a rough movie to see with all that is going on. I won't give the movie away, but basically it is about having the chance to do it all again... to walk away from a decision you made at 17.... and how life would have been different. Wow... let's just say I cried. As much as I say I wouldn't have done things the same... I probably would have... I did love Robert the way an 18 yr old loves another... but I did love him... and I have two wonderful children that I wouldn't have had without that relationship. I just wish that we had done better by each other and for each other... 

4. Ok... and the last whine about why my life is overwhelming me today... this has been the worst semester of my entire teaching experience... and has made me really want to consider my career field! Between my ADD, depression, various illnesses and the divorce, I have been unable to give it my all. Add to that the fact that this semesters kids have been downright lazy and unmotivated, it is turning out to be a miserable semester! I had my shining starts... the students who will be a part of my life years from now... but for the most part I just want to post grades and never see some of these kids again! How sad is that??? I have 3 CJC courses for a beginning total of 76 students... of that 76... only 36 or so will finish out the semester! My MCM classes were a little better, but I have had more excuses about why stuff isn't completed on time than any other time in my life! It truly does suck to be on this end of it and know that I will be recording more F's than any other time in my life! I asked my students to write me a paragraph about the grade they think they deserved in my class... most of them were pretty honest and realistic... but I was amazed that some of my worst students felt that they still deserved an A in my class! Let's talk about taking responsibility for our actions... please??? Grr!!! Two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more... 

5. Ok... maybe that wasn't the last... I miss my friends. I miss the people I teach with that won't speak to me now because I left my husband. I miss my church friends that I don't see, because he got the church in the split. I am not friendless, by any means, there have been many people who have stepped up to be a support system for me... people I didn't even know that I can count on like I do... and I love that... but I still miss those old friends too (and their kids)! Not sure how to change much of that... I mean, I'm not going back to the church and everyone is so busy... guess I'll just have to hope they all join the pool this summer! Oh and did I mention that my new bestest friend thinks she is leaving me for some stupid job that her hubs might take in Virginia... grrr... 

Ok... I think that about does it... sorry it is such a depressing post... I'll try to post something a little more positive when I am not sitting on the couch crying... I do know that life goes on and this is just a passing phase... I am still sick as a dog and that can't be helping my mental/emotional capabilities right now! So... I am going to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and get busy purging my house for a garage sale that I am going to have to have in order to make ends meet this month.... 

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hugs! 

Signs...

Not going to be a long post... 

Found a gray hair this morning... this is not ok... 

Florida

I'm sitting on the FSU campus waiting for Keith and Staci to finish
practicing and I'm amazed by the trees around me! The Spanish moss is
beautiful!

Is it ever going to settle down???

As is my pattern lately, here is my weekly update! Here is a picture of my one eyed dog... I love my Yogi and I'm glad that he is doing well. He went to work with me all of last week, but I left him home this morning... it was hard! 

I went to a church retreat this weekend that was pretty amazing. For those of you from Abilene, you probably know Dana Mayhall... Dana is an amazing woman of God as is her sister Denise, and the two of them led the retreat! It was about the dance of life with God as your partner. It was amazing... stepped on my toes a little, because I have hijacked the lead from God a few times... but it was much needed! I got to see friends that I have missed and overall it was pretty good! 

On Sunday, I went to the Easter Pageant that Pioneer Drive Baptist Church does every year! It was amazing as always, but my grandpa brought his girlfriend. This was the first time that I met this woman and he's been dating her for about 3 months.... mind you, grandma died end of October last year! Anyway, I cried more from seeing him hold her hand and have his arm around her than I did for the Easter Pageant. I even cried on the way home over it! Then to make matters worse, I was talking to Mom last night and she informed me that Gpa is probably getting married in September! I have already had my meltdown, so I'm better now, but it was alot to take in. I did have a friend give me a 'you're being a brat' lecture last night and he was right... I am being a brat... but Gma and Gpa together is all I have ever known and I'm not really ready to see Gpa happy with someone else. Anyway... lots of thoughts to process there... and I will get used to the idea eventually! Grr! 

Only four days til I leave for Florida... I think I'm going to need this vacation more than anyone knows.. 

My life...

Ok, this is going to be one of those utterly bitchy posts... I can't help myself.. I have to get it out and that was the original point of this blog. This has probably been one of the worst days of my life... at least top 10! 

On Saturday, Kali went to a skating party and fell down. She landed on her wrist and since it was Robert's weekend, he dealt with it... you know, put ice, gave advil... etc. etc. Well, she came home last night and the swelling was pretty bad, so I decided we would go to the dr today! 

Now to this morning... we wake up at 7:30 because I forgot to set my alarm. Then I hear Megs yell from the other room that there is something wrong with Yogi's eye. Being in a hurry, I totally forgot that she said something was wrong. :( Then, we are almost ready to go and I look at Yogi... his eye was protruding from it's socket! PROTRUDING FROM THE SOCKET! I totally lost it... called Robert to be told it wasn't his problem anymore... in fact he suggested the 22 in the closet. I finally got it together enough to get dressed and take him to the vet, and the vet says he will be fine... he will just be the one eyed yogi! 

So after leaving Yogi at the vet, I ran by Dr. Martin's office and they wrote the x-ray request. I get to the x-ray place and the woman looks at me like I'm scary (which made me realize that I looked like crap... my hair was a little madusa like in a headband, no make-up on except for the mascara that was streaming down my streaks and Kali hadn't  brushed her hair)! Anyway, then she tells me that the fall might not be covered because it didn't happen at the house... apparently skating is dangerous! Grr! 

The x-ray went smoothly, and although it was broken no cast was necessary! The dr sent us on our way in search of a wrist brace that immobilizes it! Easier said than done.. took alllll afternoon to find that! Finally ended up at the medical supply store! 

Anyway, needless to say... this day has been long! My head hurts... my brain isn't working correctly... Kali is whining about the brace... the dog is still at the vet... and all I really want to do is go back to bed... but instead I get to go teach a class! 

Ok... complaints done... now to put on my happy pants!!! Or to at least try... 

I have seriously got to work on updating my blog more often. I spend so much time on facebook, I often forget about my blog, which is really sad, because writing is very therapeutic for me! The last few weeks have passed in quite the blur. Robert is officially out and we are all on a schedule now. There are still some kinks to work out with the running of the kids, but it will be worked out as time goes. There are decisions to still be made about the  best way to do some things, but overall I think we are handling it pretty well! Thanks to those who have been praying for us! 

Now to a question I have of you readers... another reason I haven't been updating often is because I don't have a clue who reads my blog anymore... and I don't really know what is safe to say and what isn't. So... please drop me a line and let me know you've been reading... don't just lurk... 

 

A long day ahead...

I was told yesterday, by my mother, that I was going to see my grandpa today. I love my gpa, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I mean, to go to grandpa's means that I have to think about gma, and to think about gma brings lots of sadness and tears. So, anyway, keep me in your thoughts today... I'm already crying just thinking about it, so this ought to be fun! 

Padre

Well spring break has officially started and mine is off to a great
start! A couple of friends and I decided Friday morning to go to South
Padre for a couple of days! As I type this I am laying all by myself
by the pool and loving it! We went out last night for dinner and a
little dancing... Needless to say it was interesting!!! We have a trip
to Mexico planned this afternoon, but may chicken out and just stay by
the pool! Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend...see you Monday!

Sent from my iPhone

Question of the day...

Can someone please tell me why it is that every morning when I go to take my shower I have to hunt down a clean towel first? I mean, when I get out of the shower I dry off and hang my towel back up to dry... so why isn't it there the next morning when I go to take my shower? Is there some type of towel fairy that comes every night to take my used towel... like the tooth fairy? Hmmm... 

On a completely unrelated note, I have 50 students at CJC that I teach. This week was informative speech week... of the 50 students I heard 22 speeches... isn't that exciting? SLACKERS!

Question...

Ok, so I have a church question... and since I know most of my readers from church, hopefully someone will put in their two cents....

I went to a new church on Sunday.... I really enjoyed the music and the sermon... but there were some things that I haven't really decided about yet. I will go back a few times before I judge, but I just wanted to know what ya'll think...

The church had a prayer time, much like the garden of prayer that Southern Hills did when we attended there. The only difference was that it was men and women (no problem there for me).... but the preacher's wife was anointing people and praying over them and then she approached a mother on the front row and asked if she could pray over the woman's children. Ummmm... what was she doing??? I mean, I have always gone to conservative Southern Baptist or Church of Christ congregations... so I just have never seen this before.... not sure what to think. In addition to this, there was much discussion about being healed. Not sure how I feel about that either. I mean, I would like to believe that God works much like he did in biblical days and there are people who have the ability to call upon God's power to heal... but what do ya'll think?

Anyway, I'm not one to judge... just not sure what to think... and really not sure what to tell Megs about it, because she went with me! So... two cents anyone?

Catching Up...

I swear, I have more posts with the title of 'Catching Up' or 'Update'... I need to get more creative! Anyway...

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge... my lack of posting was not for a lack of desire to post or even for lack of content, but instead, was from lack of freedom to post. You'll understand more in a minute...

Robert and I have decided to separate and begin the process of divorcing. It has been a little over two years since our first separation and it seems that we are right back to where we started two years ago... well, not exactly... less drama... but the same emotionally. The plan right now is for him to move into an apartment as soon as our income tax return comes in and we will share the children much like we did last time.

I have really struggled with posting this information, not because I don't want anyone to know, but instead because of the "helping words of advice" that people offer so freely. Since the decision was originally made, I have had my mental stability, my faith and salvation, my ability as a mother, and my sobriety questioned. Some of those questions came from my own mother. All that said, I appreciate your concern... I appreciate your prayers... but please know that we are not doing this lightly.

Our decision may seem like an impulsive decision to those who don't talk to me daily, but for those who have been in my house at all in the last 6 months, you know that this is what has to happen right now. Robert and I cannot live together in peace and harmony... we do not love each other the way a husband and wife should... nor do we respect each other. Since the decision was made to separate, we both feel like a huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders and are each excited (for our own reasons) about what the future holds.