How do y'all do it?

I have several friends that married accountants and I know they wait somewhat patiently for April 15th so that they get their husbands back---ladies, how in the world do you do it? My amazing bf, Jasen, is a plant man---works for a company that distributes veggies and herbs to stores in the Ft. Worth area. Plant season started in earnest about a week ago and I'm losing my mind missing him! :( So...any tips at all as to how to cope with the absence would be much appreciated!

Happiness...

Been a while since I posted...thought I would post the latest pic of me & Jasen! This is me blissfully happy! :) I'll have a deeper post later, but thought I would post this pic now! <3


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

There's an app for that

My bf and I always joke about my iPhone and how there's an app for everything! Well, guess what? There's a blogger app!! Woohoo! This will make blogging sooooo much easier! :)

Here's another pic of me & Jasen! We went to Austin City Limits Music Festival together! It was awesome & this pic is after a day of rain!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Catching Up...

Ok...so much has changed since my last posts.... Here goes the catch up...

After much marriage counseling, prayer, and tears Robert and I decided to end our marriage. By the time we are final it will have been 14 years of marriage. I know that this saddens many of you and there are tons of questions, but please know the decision was not made lightly and even the marriage counselor felt that we were making the right decision. You see, when you create patterns in a relationship that are unhealthy and somewhat abusive emotionally and verbally you create a relationship that cannot be fixed. So the paperwork has been filed, the property has been split, the custody has been worked out and I am moving on with my life--head held high because I know I did everything in my power to make things work and life is too short to be miserable!

Enough of the unhappy...let's move to the happy...

I had a very busy summer...if you are a facebook friend, you have seen all the updates and pictures as I have gone along, but if not, here are some pics for you! My babies have very much grown this summer! Megs turned 12 and these first two pictures are from Megs birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

Probably not the best picture of MEgs...but getting the girl to not act like a goof is sometimes next to impossible! She is turning into quite the character and I love her to death! Her sense of humor may be a little warped, but she keeps a smile on my face! Here she is trying to look like a moose... don't ask me why! (Her friend Sarah is in the black!)

Then there is Kali! Here she is with two of my adopted college kids--as they call themselves! Megan & Christy!
This final picture is one of my faves from just this last week. Meet my boyfriend Jasen.... It seems funny to talk about my divorce at the beginning and my new bf at the end of the post, but such is life and you must realize I haven't blogged since August and we are in October now! ;) I met Jasen last year and we were just friends for the longest time. He mowed my yard (or actually started the mower and emptied the bag because I wanted to mow), he let me cry on his shoulder when Robert was being not so amicable, he became my friend and supported me when so many in my life deserted. My daughters informed me this summer that Jasen had a crush on me and both wanted to know why I wouldn't date him. In all my stubbornness, I drug my feet about as long as humanly possible. When my marriage ended, I finally gave in... and have found the happiness that I really didn't think existed. This picture is from our trip to Alabama last week to meet his dad. At Thanksgiving we go to Michigan to meet his mom! I am very happy and so glad my daughters pushed me in his direction. There is a song by lady antebellum called Can't Take My Eyes Off You... and this is how I truly feel... if you have a few minutes... listen to the song! Not sure if it will embed, but I posted the hyperlink.

people watching...

I'm sitting at Hastings, in the coffee shop watching people instead of doing the work that I intended to do. As I sit here listening to conversations around the room, I am wondering how many people are actually their 'real' selves in these conversations. I was told by a friend that my blog is hard to read, because it isn't the 'real me'... and it made me question myself... do I sensor myself here? I didn't use to... I used to just put the words out, a little like word vomit, and not worry about what people thought, or who was reading or not reading... but I suspect that over time I have blogged less and less because I worry about what people will think about the 'real me' that is exposed when I truly express myself. But then again... who is the real me? Is it the fun-loving, risk-taking crazy girl that made an appearance this summer (I kind of liked her, although most of the 'serious' people in my life did not)? Is it the control-freak, serious yet sarcastic, easily stressed out mom/wife/woman that I was before that (I liked her too... never had to admit to failure, because I had it handled)? Or is the real-me the person I am right now as I sit on the couch at Hastings on the brink of tears stressed about the direction my life is headed? And if the later is the 'real me,' I'm not so sure I like myself. I mean, where is the strong woman who could handle everything.... the woman that didn't need anyone or anything to get through the day? Who is this person I am becoming? I don't want to need people... because people fail me. I don't want to need relationships... because relationships end. I don't want to trust... because people are untrustworthy. I know this approach to life isn't logical, but it has emerged over the years and this 'new me' is having a very difficult time not resorting back to the old ways of thought. How am I to trust, when the past has shown he is untrustworthy? How am I to depend on and lean on, when the past has shown he isn't strong enough to handle my baggage? How am I supposed to think of happily ever after and really believe it, when I know that all relationships come to an end? I guess I'll let you know when I figure all of this out...

RESPECT...

My counselor suggested a book this morning... for women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. As is my tendency, I brought the book home and have immersed myself in it, hoping to find wisdom and knowledge that will fix my marriage! Ch 1 was just a summary of what was to come... chapter 2: Your love is not enough is where the words of wisdom and the stepping of toes started for me! So... here are my afterthoughts from ch 2...

WOW! Who knew respect was sooo freakin' impt to the male species... I certainly didn't... or wait... maybe I did and that is why the little voice in the back of my head yelled "STOP...DON'T SAY IT" every time I started to say something negative or disrespectful about or to my husband. But, of course, I said whatever rude thing it was that I had to say, because I knew better and besides, should I really be listening to the voices in my head? The problem with all of this is something that I hadn't really considered... "feelings often follow words or actions"... so, for every disrespectful word I said about my husband I only furthered my disrespect of him in my own brain and heart. And honestly, can you love a man you do not respect? See the vicious cycle here?

The chapter talks alot about respecting your husband's judgement in matters of the home...which to me, means kids, finances, etc, etc. Ick... this is where the toe stepping started for me. When Robert and I got married, I deemed him incompetent of taking care of such things as finances etc. I mean, I had lived on my own for a year and he was moving straight from his mother's house to mine. When we had children, I was the mother and I made the decisions... I mean, what man really knows how to raise a child? geesh! Anyway, the result of all of this is 13 yrs of disrespect towards my husband. And let me mention here that there have been many times that Robert tried to take control of the finances, or tried to help with the children... and what did I do??? I did exactly what the book says not to do... I, in so many words, told him he was incompetent and emasculated him... sometimes in front of his friends and often in front of mine. (Are your toes hurting yet? Cuz mine are killing me!)

My ADHD mind is all over the place right now, and I'm probably making no sense whatsoever, but here are the main points from the chapter... I feel like I'm doing a book report, by the way...
1. Respect his judgement...
2. Respect his abilities...
3. Respect in communication...
4. Respect in public...
5. Respect in our assumptions...

I have failed miserably in all 5 of these categories of respect and as I thought about the examples she posted, I could see how my friends are failing miserably too! And honestly, it's no wonder that the marriage failure rate is 50% in this country.... ugh... and ouch... when off the top of my head I can come up with 10 examples of disrespect that I have seen in the last two days by people with happy marriages! Anyway, I'll post another blog about the next chapter I am sure... but for now I need to apologize to my hubs about some specific things of disrespect I have done...

The date I never thought would happen...

Here are the pics from my camera of date nite! We had a good time and we are both excited of the possibilities...

Pic from our date...

Here are the flowers the date started with!

Pic from our date

It's a little blurry....but here's the pic from our date! I love how
we matched! :)

Date Night

Tonight is the night...it is the night that I go on a date with my
husband for the first time since we separated. I am not sure why, but
I have all the butterflies I had when I first met him...and I think
that is great! We are going to eat dinner and then going to the Roger
Creager concert...keep your fingers crossed and your prayers lifted
that all goes well tonight!

Sent from my iPhone

Possibilities...

Robert and I had a long talk tonight and we are going to give it one more try... please keep us in your prayers as we go through this process. He is not moving back in or anything dramatic... we are starting slow.. with a date at the end of the week! =)

Ugh... the joy of summer...

Kali just came up to me with a balloon all blown up and decorated.... she told me it was a balloon punching bag of Megan... does that tell you how our summer is going! How much longer til school starts?

Divorce/Marriage Counseling...

About to walk out the door for divorce/marriage counseling with Robert. Not sure how I feel about it all. I mean, it's too late to undo the damage and I'm certainly not willing to just move on right now... so the Lord only knows how this appointment is going to go... ugh...

wait, by move on... I don't mean I'm not ready to start my new life... I am ready to start my new life... I meant I'm not dumb enough to think that both of us have changed in any ways that would make our marriage succeed... sorry if that is cynical... just not feeling it today...

Summer....

Geesh... I stop updating my blog and people nag me about it... man alive... I didn't even realize people were still reading! =)

Anyway, I'm having a difficult time knowing what to post on my blog now... I mean, so many of my friends have disapproved of the choices I have made over the last year... so if I post about going on a date or something like that I am likely to offend... And I know y'all don't want to hear about the drama that is divorce... Right?

Oh well.. I'll just do a short update of what is happening in our life...
1. I keep having to ground Megan from reading... she would sit in her room 24/7 and never move... cannot have that... the girl has got to learn to be active...
2. Found out on Sunday that Robert is dating someone from Louisiana... although he denies that he has a gf... it is hard to think of her as anything else when he traveled to houston to see her...
3. I have gone on a few dates... some were good... some were bad... but all in all they all have made me realize dating STINKS!!!
4. I am enjoying summer like crazy... lots of concerts... lots of dancing... loots of fun with friends!!
5. I need a part-time job to pay my bills this summer...

Ok.. ok.. there is a little something... at least until I wake up from my nap...

What a weekend...

Wow! That's about as creative as I can get regarding this weekend! It was rough! Last week, my friends father passed away unexpectedly! John and his wife Jessica have been my friends since high school and we all hung around the same crowds in school. So.... that meant that there were a lot of people I hadn't seen since high school in town. It was weird to sit in the living room Saturday night with the boys that I adored in high school and to see how they had changed. Needless to say, there was a bit of what if going through my mind.... thankfully, all of the what ifs ended with ewwwww thoughts, so I'm safe! =)

In about 3 hrs I will be sitting in day surgery at Hendrick waiting for my tonsillectomy to begin. I went to the dr last week with another stinkin' sore throat and Dr. King decided they were icky and should come out! I'm fine with it, because I'm sooooo sick of having sore throats, but I also know this surgery is one that adults really have a hard time with! So...keep me in your prayers! My mommy and several friends are going to babysit me... let's hope I remember to be nice and that I survive the many, many days of no conversation!

The cross

Ladies retreat is something that I look forward to every year...this
year, I knew it would be rough and I knew that I had to go, but I'm
not sure I knew how much I needed to be here. In fact, as I write this
blog, I'm thinking about each of these woman and what they bring to
the retreat! There's the older generation...the one my gma belonged
to...these woman have experienced more life than I will ever know and
have a faith in the Lord that amazes me. When I listen to what they've
overcome, I am truly in awe. The next generation is my mom's
generation! This group of women have been through sooooo much, as
well, and yet they laugh like there have been no bad times. And then,
there's my generation. What a combination we are...there's the college
instructor, the real estate rookie, the ex-meth addict, the stay at
home mom, and the college student...all from the same gene pool, and
yet so many different walks of life.I find it very interesting that the ones that seem to have it the most together is the oldest generation...my grandmas sisters. Why is this?

What is so different about that generation? Is it their faith in the
Lord? Is it the wisdom that comes with age? Maybe I'll figure it out
before I come home tomorrow! What I do know, is that I'm sitting at the foot of the cross...the cross at the Chapel on the Hill... in solitude... Wondering what my
life is going to look like this time next year. I'm questioning the
decisions I have made and the road I am on. And yet, although I'm
filled with these questions, I am filled with a peace that can only
come from knowing Him. For no matter what mess I make of my life, He
loves me more than I'll ever know. And maybe that is the lesson I was
supposed to learn on this retreat...that through Him all things are
possible...that I need to let Him carry me...or as Dana taught at
ladies retreat, I need to let Him lead in this dance called life.

Ok...back down the mountain I go before the family starts looking for
me!
Sent from my iPhone

Productivity...

In celebration of the ending of the semester, I have done a whole lotta nothin' this week... and now it is catching up to me! I leave to go to Hunt, TX this afternoon for our annual Smith Family Ladies Retreat and have entirely too much to do before 3pm. There is laundry to do before I can pack... There are dishes to be done, so my house doesn't smell when I get back... and oh yeah, haven't gotten anyone to feed the dogs while I'm gone! Hmmm... better work on that... oh and did I mention the grass needs to be mowed, but I can't get the mower started??? Hmmm... oh well... if I have learned anything over the last few months, is that I can't do it all... so I guess what I get done, I get done... the rest will wait until Sunday! 

Wrapping up a semester...

About to head off to teach my last class of the semester! I love my job, but the end of the semester is always rough! I hate to see my kiddos go! I mean, I start the semester with the idea that these are my students... not my responsibility.... but by the end of the semester I have counseled them on relationships, lectured them on the perils of drinking and oversleeping, and listened to them  cry over their mistakes! So... needless to say... the end of the semester is like saying goodbye to my own children! The kids walking across the stage on Saturday are from the first semester that I taught at Mcm... I am soooo excited for them and the opportunities that they have ahead of them... and yet sad because my kids are leaving the nest! Needless to say, if I make it to graduation Saturday, I will need to bring tissues!!! 

Oh... and the if I make it to graduation part is due to the sinus infection that I have the is kicking my butt!!! It has settled into my chest, so I keep trying to cough up a lung! Needless to say, I don't want to get anyone else sick, nor do I want to sit on the hot stage in graduation garb while coughing up my lungs! Oh well.... maybe I won't catch the swine flu if I skip graduation! haha!

Life goes on...

EDIT: Felt much better after I wrote all of this and had a good cry... amazing how that works! 

You know, when I started this blog it was a place for me to go to express my emotions and concerns. It was therapeutic for me to write and I used it to process what was going on in my life. As time has passed, though, I have blogged less and less and struggled more and more with making sense of my life... sooooo.... guess it's time to start with the blogging again! 

I have several things weighing me down today... so here goes.. 

1. My niece McKenzie is in the hospital at cooks and there is a good chance that she is not going to come home. For those unfamiliar with McKenzie, she is my brother's child and she is special needs. She had open heart surgery about two weeks ago and they have had to 'go back in' for complications twice now. Because she has had to be intubated 3 times in the last two weeks, they have discovered that her trachea is oval instead of round. Not sure what that means, other than it's not normal, and apparently there is a flap that is staying open somewhere and she is on a ventilator until further notice. Anyway... the short of it is that Kenz is about to end up with a trach and the likelihood of her making it much longer is decreasing rapidly. My mom and I have struggled with all of this because honestly, Kenz is not going to have much of a life as she is mentally and physically handicapped just like her sister Alyssa. So... is this a blessing in disguise???? I know that I have no control over this situation... but I pray for Ashley (Kenzie's mom)... for her strength to handle whatever is coming... and I pray that my little brother doesn't flake out as he so often does... 

2. My second concern... my grandpa has set a wedding date of Sept 12th. This is very difficult for my family. I have remained quiet and tried to think happy thoughts about it, but I'm getting the impression that my Uncles are not doing the same! We all loved my gma very much and seeing gpa move on sooooo quickly is rough...especially since we do not know this woman very well! My mom has cried every time I have spoken to her about it and the woman NEVER cries! I get that gpa needs companionship... I do get it... and it isn't fair for us to tell him he has to be alone just because we are all still morning gma... but seriously... it won't have even been a year! My mom and I have joked that Jennie (the girlfriend) hasn't actually been to a family get together yet.... she may change her mind when she sees gpa's 5 kids and 17 grandchildren in one location.

3. DIVORCE SUCKS... plain and simple... DIVORCE SUCKS... I mean, it doesn't matter how amicable I would like things to be... there is simply no way around bitterness, hurt, and tears. If we aren't having conflict over time, money, or the children, then we are fighting over stupid crap like bookshelves and china. Then there is the whole pointing fingers crap... who hurt whom the worst, etc. The truth is, Robert and I have both done things to hurt the other... it SUCKS... but it is the truth! Most of our relationship was reactionary to the pain we felt from some behavior or treatment the other was exhibiting and we never could seem to get it together in terms of both wanting to fix things at the same time! So now... we move on... we split our crap and hope we can do better apart than together! I watched "17 Again" with the girls this weekend and it was a rough movie to see with all that is going on. I won't give the movie away, but basically it is about having the chance to do it all again... to walk away from a decision you made at 17.... and how life would have been different. Wow... let's just say I cried. As much as I say I wouldn't have done things the same... I probably would have... I did love Robert the way an 18 yr old loves another... but I did love him... and I have two wonderful children that I wouldn't have had without that relationship. I just wish that we had done better by each other and for each other... 

4. Ok... and the last whine about why my life is overwhelming me today... this has been the worst semester of my entire teaching experience... and has made me really want to consider my career field! Between my ADD, depression, various illnesses and the divorce, I have been unable to give it my all. Add to that the fact that this semesters kids have been downright lazy and unmotivated, it is turning out to be a miserable semester! I had my shining starts... the students who will be a part of my life years from now... but for the most part I just want to post grades and never see some of these kids again! How sad is that??? I have 3 CJC courses for a beginning total of 76 students... of that 76... only 36 or so will finish out the semester! My MCM classes were a little better, but I have had more excuses about why stuff isn't completed on time than any other time in my life! It truly does suck to be on this end of it and know that I will be recording more F's than any other time in my life! I asked my students to write me a paragraph about the grade they think they deserved in my class... most of them were pretty honest and realistic... but I was amazed that some of my worst students felt that they still deserved an A in my class! Let's talk about taking responsibility for our actions... please??? Grr!!! Two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more... 

5. Ok... maybe that wasn't the last... I miss my friends. I miss the people I teach with that won't speak to me now because I left my husband. I miss my church friends that I don't see, because he got the church in the split. I am not friendless, by any means, there have been many people who have stepped up to be a support system for me... people I didn't even know that I can count on like I do... and I love that... but I still miss those old friends too (and their kids)! Not sure how to change much of that... I mean, I'm not going back to the church and everyone is so busy... guess I'll just have to hope they all join the pool this summer! Oh and did I mention that my new bestest friend thinks she is leaving me for some stupid job that her hubs might take in Virginia... grrr... 

Ok... I think that about does it... sorry it is such a depressing post... I'll try to post something a little more positive when I am not sitting on the couch crying... I do know that life goes on and this is just a passing phase... I am still sick as a dog and that can't be helping my mental/emotional capabilities right now! So... I am going to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and get busy purging my house for a garage sale that I am going to have to have in order to make ends meet this month.... 

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hugs!