Sunday, February 26, 2006

Why Me?

This morning on the way home from church it dawned on me...I am a rebellious child.

I know the rules...all of them...and yet daily, I break as many as I can. I speed, I don't wear my seatbelt, I yell at my kids, I don't do my chores, and the list could go on and on. For as long as I can remember, I have hated rules. As a teenager, I would listen to what my mom told me to do...and then do the opposite. As an adult, I am still much the same...but instead of my mom telling me what to is society, the church, the law, and my husband. All of which make me want to pull my hair out...or make a run for it.

It wouldn't be so bad...if I didn't know better...and I didn't feel the guilt. Everytime I do something that I know is wrong, though, I feel that guilt...which at some level is a good sign...Mom used to say if you didn't feel guilt you might be a future serial killer. Did I mention she is a probation officer?

Some might say that my rebellious acts are minor in comparison to others...I don't do drugs, I don't beat my children, I haven't robbed a bank etc. etc. But for me, these small little acts of rebellion just keep happening. Every day it is something new...yesterday, I sent a card to an old friend from high school who is in prison to wish him a happy birthday...not a bad act in itself...but I didn't tell my husband and on some level I know it is something I shouldn't have done.

I have no answers to my rebellion...I have no solutions...but maybe this diary will help me draw some conclusions!


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