Thursday, November 28, 2013


If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I used to love the holiday season, but after the divorce & everything that happened with my family. I hate the holiday season.

Trying to find my happy today though... So here's my list of thankfulness.

My husband...he's amazing. He puts up with my crazies, he loves me unconditionally, & life with him is just pretty amazing.

My daughters... They are good kids & they each make me proud. They both work hard in school. They both try to be good people. The love & do not discriminate.

My friends.... I have many acquaintances, but very few friends that I trust with all of my secrets. I'm thankful for those that I can count on to be there for advice & support. Thankful for those that love me no matter what.

My in laws... Love that my husband's family has welcomed the girls & I into their family. Miss them all greatly!

My family... While I speak to very few of them, I am thankful for the things I learned from family... Even if some of it is who not to be. I miss my grandma daily, as I think the world would be a different place if Gma where here. But it is what it is...

Education.... Thankful for the opportunity to be back in school. Love my classes. Love my classmates. Excited for what the future holds.

The rest of what I'm thankful for is stuff.... Technology, toilet paper etc. Or things like progress & freedoms. I'm often quite thankful that I wasn't born 100 years ago or in another country.

I hope everyone enjoys their turkey day.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Time Machine

If you could go back in time, would you change what you did or that you got caught?

I would change none of the decisions that I've made, only that I got caught. The choices that I've made, make me who I am. The experiences I've had shape who I am. And honestly, some of the worst decisions come with the best memories. So live your life with no regrets. Keep people around you that will love you unconditionally. Above all... Follow your heart... Not the heart that is clouded by tradition & guilt... But the heart that speaks the truth.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


This may be a recycled post, I don't remember. But even if it is. It's important. 

I follow a forum that posts articles that I find interesting. To be honest, I started following the site, because Jezebel just happens to be one of my most favorite names. But... out of that follow, I have read many articles that have caused me to stop and think about who I am and the choices I make. One such article can be found here

If you are too lazy to read the article, it essentially says find another way to deal with your children, because yelling is bad. If that article isn't enough for you to change your ways, keep reading... 

I am a recovering yeller. I was raised in a home where my mother yelled and it was pretty much her only form of communication. When I got married and had babies, I knew no other way to get my point across, but to yell. And I was good at it. Now, I knew better than to yell demeaning things to my child... having a mother that yelled had shown me that. But I yelled when I was upset and yelling was the only form of communication between my ex and I.  

One day, when my oldest was a toddler, I looked into her eyes and saw terror. It was at that moment that I realized that there had to be another way to get my point across. I tried to convince my husband to quit yelling... even did a lit review in grad school and wanted to do my thesis over the consequences of yelling in the home. And although I couldn't stop his yelling, I did my damnedest to quit yelling at the girls and to only yell at my ex if he started it. (Real mature, I know.) Eventually, I escaped that marriage and have since remarried. There is little yelling in my home now. But the consequences of the yelling that happened so many years ago are great. 

My 16 yo has PTSD. No, I haven't taken her to be officially diagnosed, but I've read enough to know. If anyone even comes close to sounding like they are yelling her face turns red, her eyes widen and she starts to sweat. If the yelling continues for any length of time (you know, 30 seconds or more), she begins to tear up and breathe quickly. Generally the end result of all of this is her hiding in a bathroom and having a panic attack. Now here's the thing.... I did this to her. Or rather, her father and I did this to her. We had a house that was so ridiculously toxic that it was like living in a war zone  And even though I quit yelling many moons ago... the consequences are still there. I cannot undo it. I cannot change it. I cannot fix this for her. I did it. And it breaks my heart when I pick up my phone and see that it's her (during school hours) and know that I have to talk her out of a panic attack. 

My 12 yo doesn't have PTSD. In fact, for the most part, she fared pretty well for someone raised in such a toxic environment, but what my child has is a yelling problem of her own. Many, many times over the last few weeks I have had to point out to her that I left a home where people communicated by yelling and I will not live there again. I have talked to her about tone of voice and how very wrong yelling is. But you know... she is communicating exactly how she saw her parents communicate (and still sees her father communicate). She uses her angry voice to get her way and to intimidate those around her. I did that to her. I taught that to her. I did it. 

To sum up this post: I did it. I yelled. I can make excuses all day long about how I didn't know any better and how I changed as soon as I did. BUTTTT it doesn't change the fact that I didn't stop in time and my children are paying the consequences for that. So people... stop yelling at your kids. Learn another way. BTW, I'm not perfect. That yelling tween of mine can get me going, but for the most part, I rarely yell. And of that... I am proud. 

New Friends

I mentioned to a new-ish friend that I have a blog. She asked where it was and I told her. I also mentioned that I am not the same person that I was when I started my blog so long ago. Which leads me to the question... what does one do with old blog posts? I mean, for some, a blog is a journey through time that enables you to go back and see where you've been. For me, the where I've been, isn't really anything I need to be reminded of. No really... it's not. I do not want to think of how I struggled as a person in a toxic marriage. I do not want to look back and remember my struggle with ridiculously conservative doctrines that told me that I had to change in order to fit in. My friend told me that reading my posts helped her work through some of her own struggles, so I guess the posts will stay where they are. But... if you are new to this blog, please know that if I were to run across this blog and read the earlier posts... I wouldn't have liked me. I am not that person anymore. Well most of me isn't... 

I still believe in love. I still believe things happen for a reason. I still believe that I am stronger, because of the shit I've been through. 

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

been a while...

It's been a while...lot's of changes in my life and yet after reading the blog I posted last April little has changed. Laws get changed and the government tries to get rid of discrimination, and my fb feed still stays the same. I think what makes me the most sad regarding the hate I see daily in my feed, is that there was a time when I was closer to thinking the same way as some of those people. A time when I would have said that while God loves homosexuals, He would never make someone that way. A time when I would have said love the sinner, hate the sin. I apologize for who I was. My only excuse is ignorance and indoctrination.