What a weekend...

Wow! That's about as creative as I can get regarding this weekend! It was rough! Last week, my friends father passed away unexpectedly! John and his wife Jessica have been my friends since high school and we all hung around the same crowds in school. So.... that meant that there were a lot of people I hadn't seen since high school in town. It was weird to sit in the living room Saturday night with the boys that I adored in high school and to see how they had changed. Needless to say, there was a bit of what if going through my mind.... thankfully, all of the what ifs ended with ewwwww thoughts, so I'm safe! =)

In about 3 hrs I will be sitting in day surgery at Hendrick waiting for my tonsillectomy to begin. I went to the dr last week with another stinkin' sore throat and Dr. King decided they were icky and should come out! I'm fine with it, because I'm sooooo sick of having sore throats, but I also know this surgery is one that adults really have a hard time with! So...keep me in your prayers! My mommy and several friends are going to babysit me... let's hope I remember to be nice and that I survive the many, many days of no conversation!

The cross

Ladies retreat is something that I look forward to every year...this
year, I knew it would be rough and I knew that I had to go, but I'm
not sure I knew how much I needed to be here. In fact, as I write this
blog, I'm thinking about each of these woman and what they bring to
the retreat! There's the older generation...the one my gma belonged
to...these woman have experienced more life than I will ever know and
have a faith in the Lord that amazes me. When I listen to what they've
overcome, I am truly in awe. The next generation is my mom's
generation! This group of women have been through sooooo much, as
well, and yet they laugh like there have been no bad times. And then,
there's my generation. What a combination we are...there's the college
instructor, the real estate rookie, the ex-meth addict, the stay at
home mom, and the college student...all from the same gene pool, and
yet so many different walks of life.I find it very interesting that the ones that seem to have it the most together is the oldest generation...my grandmas sisters. Why is this?

What is so different about that generation? Is it their faith in the
Lord? Is it the wisdom that comes with age? Maybe I'll figure it out
before I come home tomorrow! What I do know, is that I'm sitting at the foot of the cross...the cross at the Chapel on the Hill... in solitude... Wondering what my
life is going to look like this time next year. I'm questioning the
decisions I have made and the road I am on. And yet, although I'm
filled with these questions, I am filled with a peace that can only
come from knowing Him. For no matter what mess I make of my life, He
loves me more than I'll ever know. And maybe that is the lesson I was
supposed to learn on this retreat...that through Him all things are
possible...that I need to let Him carry me...or as Dana taught at
ladies retreat, I need to let Him lead in this dance called life.

Ok...back down the mountain I go before the family starts looking for
me!
Sent from my iPhone

Productivity...

In celebration of the ending of the semester, I have done a whole lotta nothin' this week... and now it is catching up to me! I leave to go to Hunt, TX this afternoon for our annual Smith Family Ladies Retreat and have entirely too much to do before 3pm. There is laundry to do before I can pack... There are dishes to be done, so my house doesn't smell when I get back... and oh yeah, haven't gotten anyone to feed the dogs while I'm gone! Hmmm... better work on that... oh and did I mention the grass needs to be mowed, but I can't get the mower started??? Hmmm... oh well... if I have learned anything over the last few months, is that I can't do it all... so I guess what I get done, I get done... the rest will wait until Sunday! 

Wrapping up a semester...

About to head off to teach my last class of the semester! I love my job, but the end of the semester is always rough! I hate to see my kiddos go! I mean, I start the semester with the idea that these are my students... not my responsibility.... but by the end of the semester I have counseled them on relationships, lectured them on the perils of drinking and oversleeping, and listened to them  cry over their mistakes! So... needless to say... the end of the semester is like saying goodbye to my own children! The kids walking across the stage on Saturday are from the first semester that I taught at Mcm... I am soooo excited for them and the opportunities that they have ahead of them... and yet sad because my kids are leaving the nest! Needless to say, if I make it to graduation Saturday, I will need to bring tissues!!! 

Oh... and the if I make it to graduation part is due to the sinus infection that I have the is kicking my butt!!! It has settled into my chest, so I keep trying to cough up a lung! Needless to say, I don't want to get anyone else sick, nor do I want to sit on the hot stage in graduation garb while coughing up my lungs! Oh well.... maybe I won't catch the swine flu if I skip graduation! haha!

Life goes on...

EDIT: Felt much better after I wrote all of this and had a good cry... amazing how that works! 

You know, when I started this blog it was a place for me to go to express my emotions and concerns. It was therapeutic for me to write and I used it to process what was going on in my life. As time has passed, though, I have blogged less and less and struggled more and more with making sense of my life... sooooo.... guess it's time to start with the blogging again! 

I have several things weighing me down today... so here goes.. 

1. My niece McKenzie is in the hospital at cooks and there is a good chance that she is not going to come home. For those unfamiliar with McKenzie, she is my brother's child and she is special needs. She had open heart surgery about two weeks ago and they have had to 'go back in' for complications twice now. Because she has had to be intubated 3 times in the last two weeks, they have discovered that her trachea is oval instead of round. Not sure what that means, other than it's not normal, and apparently there is a flap that is staying open somewhere and she is on a ventilator until further notice. Anyway... the short of it is that Kenz is about to end up with a trach and the likelihood of her making it much longer is decreasing rapidly. My mom and I have struggled with all of this because honestly, Kenz is not going to have much of a life as she is mentally and physically handicapped just like her sister Alyssa. So... is this a blessing in disguise???? I know that I have no control over this situation... but I pray for Ashley (Kenzie's mom)... for her strength to handle whatever is coming... and I pray that my little brother doesn't flake out as he so often does... 

2. My second concern... my grandpa has set a wedding date of Sept 12th. This is very difficult for my family. I have remained quiet and tried to think happy thoughts about it, but I'm getting the impression that my Uncles are not doing the same! We all loved my gma very much and seeing gpa move on sooooo quickly is rough...especially since we do not know this woman very well! My mom has cried every time I have spoken to her about it and the woman NEVER cries! I get that gpa needs companionship... I do get it... and it isn't fair for us to tell him he has to be alone just because we are all still morning gma... but seriously... it won't have even been a year! My mom and I have joked that Jennie (the girlfriend) hasn't actually been to a family get together yet.... she may change her mind when she sees gpa's 5 kids and 17 grandchildren in one location.

3. DIVORCE SUCKS... plain and simple... DIVORCE SUCKS... I mean, it doesn't matter how amicable I would like things to be... there is simply no way around bitterness, hurt, and tears. If we aren't having conflict over time, money, or the children, then we are fighting over stupid crap like bookshelves and china. Then there is the whole pointing fingers crap... who hurt whom the worst, etc. The truth is, Robert and I have both done things to hurt the other... it SUCKS... but it is the truth! Most of our relationship was reactionary to the pain we felt from some behavior or treatment the other was exhibiting and we never could seem to get it together in terms of both wanting to fix things at the same time! So now... we move on... we split our crap and hope we can do better apart than together! I watched "17 Again" with the girls this weekend and it was a rough movie to see with all that is going on. I won't give the movie away, but basically it is about having the chance to do it all again... to walk away from a decision you made at 17.... and how life would have been different. Wow... let's just say I cried. As much as I say I wouldn't have done things the same... I probably would have... I did love Robert the way an 18 yr old loves another... but I did love him... and I have two wonderful children that I wouldn't have had without that relationship. I just wish that we had done better by each other and for each other... 

4. Ok... and the last whine about why my life is overwhelming me today... this has been the worst semester of my entire teaching experience... and has made me really want to consider my career field! Between my ADD, depression, various illnesses and the divorce, I have been unable to give it my all. Add to that the fact that this semesters kids have been downright lazy and unmotivated, it is turning out to be a miserable semester! I had my shining starts... the students who will be a part of my life years from now... but for the most part I just want to post grades and never see some of these kids again! How sad is that??? I have 3 CJC courses for a beginning total of 76 students... of that 76... only 36 or so will finish out the semester! My MCM classes were a little better, but I have had more excuses about why stuff isn't completed on time than any other time in my life! It truly does suck to be on this end of it and know that I will be recording more F's than any other time in my life! I asked my students to write me a paragraph about the grade they think they deserved in my class... most of them were pretty honest and realistic... but I was amazed that some of my worst students felt that they still deserved an A in my class! Let's talk about taking responsibility for our actions... please??? Grr!!! Two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more classes and I am done with the semester... two more... 

5. Ok... maybe that wasn't the last... I miss my friends. I miss the people I teach with that won't speak to me now because I left my husband. I miss my church friends that I don't see, because he got the church in the split. I am not friendless, by any means, there have been many people who have stepped up to be a support system for me... people I didn't even know that I can count on like I do... and I love that... but I still miss those old friends too (and their kids)! Not sure how to change much of that... I mean, I'm not going back to the church and everyone is so busy... guess I'll just have to hope they all join the pool this summer! Oh and did I mention that my new bestest friend thinks she is leaving me for some stupid job that her hubs might take in Virginia... grrr... 

Ok... I think that about does it... sorry it is such a depressing post... I'll try to post something a little more positive when I am not sitting on the couch crying... I do know that life goes on and this is just a passing phase... I am still sick as a dog and that can't be helping my mental/emotional capabilities right now! So... I am going to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and get busy purging my house for a garage sale that I am going to have to have in order to make ends meet this month.... 

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hugs!