Wednesday, August 26, 2009

people watching...

I'm sitting at Hastings, in the coffee shop watching people instead of doing the work that I intended to do. As I sit here listening to conversations around the room, I am wondering how many people are actually their 'real' selves in these conversations. I was told by a friend that my blog is hard to read, because it isn't the 'real me'... and it made me question myself... do I sensor myself here? I didn't use to... I used to just put the words out, a little like word vomit, and not worry about what people thought, or who was reading or not reading... but I suspect that over time I have blogged less and less because I worry about what people will think about the 'real me' that is exposed when I truly express myself. But then again... who is the real me? Is it the fun-loving, risk-taking crazy girl that made an appearance this summer (I kind of liked her, although most of the 'serious' people in my life did not)? Is it the control-freak, serious yet sarcastic, easily stressed out mom/wife/woman that I was before that (I liked her too... never had to admit to failure, because I had it handled)? Or is the real-me the person I am right now as I sit on the couch at Hastings on the brink of tears stressed about the direction my life is headed? And if the later is the 'real me,' I'm not so sure I like myself. I mean, where is the strong woman who could handle everything.... the woman that didn't need anyone or anything to get through the day? Who is this person I am becoming? I don't want to need people... because people fail me. I don't want to need relationships... because relationships end. I don't want to trust... because people are untrustworthy. I know this approach to life isn't logical, but it has emerged over the years and this 'new me' is having a very difficult time not resorting back to the old ways of thought. How am I to trust, when the past has shown he is untrustworthy? How am I to depend on and lean on, when the past has shown he isn't strong enough to handle my baggage? How am I supposed to think of happily ever after and really believe it, when I know that all relationships come to an end? I guess I'll let you know when I figure all of this out...

4 comments:

meg said...

Jess, I don't think you realize how much you inner and outer beauty really shines. You are SO amazing and so real, I love you for that :)

Blaze Girl said...

Jess, don't forget that being strong includes knowing when you need a helping hand and being able to ask for and receive it. We are divinely created with lots of human imperfection and none of us can do it all on our own. You are a multi-faceted, intriguing and fun woman. Don't be too hard on yourself--I hope the sun shines brighter in your world tomorrow. I have compassion for how it is on the dark days, though, so call me anytime if you need a good listener. Love you, Anne

Looney Mom™ said...

I wonder who really is real on their blogs. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being honest when I blog. SO strange. I think we're just afraid of being judged.

Either way, I do enjoy reading your blog when I have a chance. So sorry I've been MIA for so long.

Chanly Chan said...

-shrugs- You could always make the blog private or limit the viewing to only your friends.
Then you wouldn't have to worry about censoring the real you...