Sunday, December 01, 2013


My fb feed has been full of people who gave it their best shot, but couldn't make it work. Friends that have been married since high school. It's sad. But what's even sadder, is that these marriages have been over for a long time & the only one that was doing anything to fight for the marriage was the wife. I've lent these women relationship books, spent hours talking to them about how to fix things & ultimately the fault wasn't theirs. They prayed, changed their attitudes, asked for the changes that needed to occur & got nothing in return. These guys are acting like victims now, but truthfully they did this. They treated their wives like crap. They let their friendships, hobbies & jobs take priority over their relationships with their wives & children. When asked to go to counseling, they said no. When asked to be more affectionate, they said no. When asked to spend quality time with the family, they said no. But instead of owning up to that, these guys are now the victims. Eh... That's not how it works guys. If you don't make your wife feel loved, ultimately she will leave... or cheat. It seems to me that it would make a lot more sense to make a few changes than to lose your family.

And while all of the above is hard to watch, what's even harder is watching the couples who haven't gotten to the point above, but to anyone looking in, it's clear it's going to happen eventually. If you aren't working for your relationship, you are working against it. Spend time together. Do what she wants to do, even if it isn't what you want to do (and vice versa). Touch each other often & not just for sex (yes...the anti-touch person just said that). Make sure the other person knows that you are the most important thing in the world to them etc. So much of making a relationship good is consciously choosing to be active in that relationship. It's when we get lazy that problems occur.

On the other side of that token, I also think you need to know when to quit fighting. Know when to walk away. I knew within a week of my first marriage that I'd screwed up... I remember the moment with clarity, even though it was almost 20 years ago. (Having a very large dictionary thrown at your head somehow never leaves you.) I wish I'd had the self-worth & determination to walk away then. Instead, I stayed in a relationship for 14 yrs, because I was worried about disappointing my family & friends. You know what, I did disappoint my family & friends, but the ones who let my divorce be the defining moment in our relationship, weren't worth staying in a relationship with, I've since learned. I have several friends who left their husbands around the same time I did & a few have told me that watching me survive, helped them have the courage to walk away themselves. So many times we stay in unhealthy relationships because we don't think we could do it alone... If I could do it, anyone can... Seriously. Love yourself enough to realize when it's time to walk away, or your children will pay the consequences.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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