My Family...

Ever been walking along and have one of those moments where everything makes sense? Happened for me tonight during our walk at the park.... actually happened while I took the picture that you see...

My little brother posted that he celebrated his birthday yesterday at a local restaurant with his 'family' and it broke my heart. You see, I wasn't invited to the birthday celebration. This isn't the first time since I left my ex husband that I haven't been invited to family get-togethers and it definitely won't be the last. BUT my 'ah ha' moment, during our walk, was this...

THE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE ARE MY FAMILY!

I need to worry less about activities and invitations with the family that has made it clear they don't want anything to do with me & worry more about creating traditions with my husband and my daughters. You see, those parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that want nothing to do with me, because I left an abusive marriage, aren't worth crying over. It is simply time to move on.

So this is me... moving on...

I want to matter..

Have you ever just wanted to matter enough to the people around you that they take action & make changes? Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'd REALLY like to matter enough to my family for them to do the things I ask!

I mean, my children know it causes me stress for them to live like pigs or to fight with each other, and yet each and every day I waste my words telling them to stop fighting and asking them to pick up after themselves!

I have asked my husband to quit smoking & yet each & everyday he runs to buy cigarettes. I get it...I really do...it's an addiction. The person has to WANT to quit. BUT..if I mattered enough, wouldn't he be able to quit?

My parents haven't spoken to me in 6 months. Wouldn't it be nice if they at least TRIED to have a relationship with their only daughter, instead of my ex husband & his new gf?

Sigh...I just want to matter enough...is that too much to ask?

(This blog is brought to you by an over abundance of female hormones in my house (Yeah for PMS!) and a sincere feeling of helplessness about the happenings around me!)


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and I thought I wanted her to speak?

Remember this cute little smile? Remember when she couldn't speak? I do... and after this morning, I SERIOUSLY want to go back to these days. I know that 'this too shall pass,' but I've already been through this stage with Megan and I don't know that I want to go through it with a child that is twice as loud, twice as dramatic, and lacks the impulse control that her sister has.

Ok, ok, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic (and I question where Kali gets it from), but this morning was one for the record books. We had question after question about what outfit looked best, an angry fit when I said "it's 47 degrees outside, but some pants on," and then WWIII after Megs wouldn't let her borrow a scarf to accessorize her outfit. Now, I'm not stupid... I know that this sudden 'caring' about her appearance is all related to a boy... yet another thing I'm not ready to deal with and a blog for another day.. but it also has to do with her age.

Kali has reached THE AGE...You know what I'm talking about...the age where hormones begin to enter and make a female CRAZY!?!?! The age where there is a switch between little girl and turning into a young woman. The age of confusion as to what's most important and who she wants to be!

But this is also the age where I get a glimpse of who she is going to be as a grown woman. The age where I get to mold her and shape her and help her be that woman. (Oh dear... this is sounding like a lot of responsibility on my part!) The age where I help her take the PASSION, PERSONALITY, and STUBBORNNESS that she has, and I show her how to use all of those things for good! You see, all of the traits that drive me the most crazy about my sweet little 10 year old are the traits that I thank the good Lord she has.

My sweet little Kali HAS NO FEAR!! She has never met a person she couldn't talk to. She has never met an opportunity for fun that seemed to scary to try. She has never been too self-conscious to stand up and be herself in front of a few or many. My precious baby girl is CONFIDENT in who she is (most days) and will do great things in her life with this confidence. My sweet angel is BRILLIANT and although she struggles with ADHD, does not struggle in school and gets satisfaction from the fact that her favorite subjects are math and science. 

So see, this morning was only a minor setback... we will all survive these crazy things called hormones and life will go on. One day, I will look back and laugh about this morning (one day, a long, long time from now when I'm not feeling quite so shell shocked)!

Who?

This is your life---Who you wanna be? You might recognize those words as lyrics to a Switchfoot song...profound lyrics to me! I mean, despite the influences around us, at the end of the day, it's all up to the individual as to the direction their life is going to take! And although there are still a lot of haters regarding the choices I've made over the last few years, I can honestly say, I am who I wanna be! I mean how many people can say that? I have a husband who treats me like a queen & makes me want to be a better me! I have 2 amazing daughters who surprise me everyday! I have a job I love, where I get to shape the minds of young adults! I have a network of friends that are the best! So...from today, I will (try) to no longer be sad over lost relationships with people who can't seem to understand & instead rejoice in the fact that I am (finally) who I wanna be!




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Withdrawals...

Well... I did it. In light of the new 'social media' policies at work, I have deleted my faceb00k. I'm not sure how long it will last (the delete that is) as I'm already having withdrawals, but there is no reason I needed 572 people looking into my life on a daily basis. And honestly, most of those people were added because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So... if you came here looking for me... I am around... just choosing to stay under the radar right now.

What does it all mean?

Been a while... hasn't it?

While staring at my blog for a few minutes, it occurred to me that that some might be confused by the title of my blog. I mean, most of the time, we hear 'rebellious child' in some negative connotation... but really, does it have to be a negative trait? I mean, the definition of the word suggests no negative connotation...

rebellious: defying or resisting some established authority, government, or tradition

...and yet, we read 'rebellious child' and jump to negative conclusions. I have been guilty of this same negative conclusion and have beat myself up for YEARS, because I have always had 'issues' with rebellion.

But at 35 yrs of age, what exactly am I rebelling against? Well, if you must know, the only rebellion I consistently engage in is rebellion against tradition & stupidity. I can't really see a whole lot of negative in rebelling against those things... and I will not continue to apologize for the choices I have made 'rebelling' against tradition.

Begin soapbox-- My heart hurts for the women who have stayed in oppressive marriages, because the people who are supposed to support them have told them things like 'our family doesn't get divorces' or 'God doesn't believe in divorce.' Um... hello?!?! What are you saying with those statements? That family tradition is more important than the mental health and well being of your child and grandchildren? Or maybe that God would like that woman to stay in a relationship that is so toxic people are afraid to come visit? All for the sake of tradition? Um... no thank you. I will not continue to be beat down by my family, both biological & spiritual,  for leaving a toxic/abusive marriage and moving on with my life. I may not have handled everything in the way that those around me would have, but it's been two years... get over it... I can only apologize so many times and I'm done.--End soapbox.
So for today & always, I will stand against traditions and stupidity & I will be proud of the spirit that either God gave me or my life circumstances created in me... I am a rebellious child...

Mornings...

I am suffering from that green eyed monster called jealousy right now...No, I'm not jealous over new cars or nice houses, I am jealous over my friend's peaceful mornings! No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot seem to run a peaceful, loving, caring house in the morning! Instead, I get a 10 yr old that has to be told 5000 times to put her shoes on and never gets bkfst & a 13 yr old that spends more time yelling & criticizing others than she does getting ready in the morning! I'm sure that if I were more 'hands on' in the morning it would help... but I refuse to dress the 10 yr old as she requests every morning!

What makes this even worse, is that mornings now are 10 times better than they were pre-Jasen...I mean he gets up & helps w/the girls (and brings me coffee), as opposed to my past who slept thru it all! And before I get 1000 bits of advice that are supp to make it all easier...we've tried getting Kali to pick out her clothes the night before...that really only helps if I were to just let her sleep in them! As for the yelling one, I guess when one if filled with anxiety about the terror of 7th grade, one can only be cranky! She's been given notice that children who yell at their parents walk to school, so maybe that'll make her reconsider her attitude!

Sigh... Will this ever get easier?!

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