You're not my type...

Such a hard lesson to learn when a boy says those words to a teenage girl. But here's the thing kiddo, you don't want to be his type.

1. He made fun of the little emo girl, which says he's a bully & doesn't understand differences.
2. He accused you of cutting, just because you defended little emo girl, which says he lacks compassion.
3. He said skateboarding was not for girls & that it was a manly thing to do, which quite honestly says he's either got some insecurities or is being raised in an awfully sexist home.
4. He called you Malibu... Like the Barbie. Yes it's a cute little nickname, but you are so much more than your long legs & blonde hair.

So sweet girl, be his friend. Show him compassion. Model for him what it means to be a caring & compassionate person. But do not waste any tears over this boy, because quite honestly, he's not YOUR type.


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Selfishness

The girls told me this morning that moving was only for Jasen & I and not for them. They also said that they hated it here & are only here to be with me.

Yay. They wanted to be with me. I've ruined their lives, but they are here, because they need to be with me.

I've never really done anything completely for me, since they've been born. I stayed married to their dad for them. (You know, the whole stay married for your children thing.) I divorced their dad for them & me. (You know, protect your children from the abusive, toxic house they live in thing.) I stayed in the town I hated for them too.

Yes, this move is about me continuing my education. (How selfish of me.) But this move is also about a lot more. It's about showing my kids that there is life outside of conservative hell. It's about showing them a place where being a feminist is ok. It's about showing them a place where people can be whoever they are without judgement & discrimination.

They don't see any of that yet. I hope they do at some point.

For now, I'll just sit here and cry because I've ruined my children's lives, because I'm selfish.


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Introverts vs. Extroverts

I get it. Introverts need time at home. That's how they recharge their batteries. I am an extrovert. My batteries get recharged by being around people I like. In theory, this should be no problem.

BUT IT'S A BIG PROBLEM...

But only because I ATTRACT introverts.

About 98% of my friends describe themselves as introverts. While I understand what makes an introvert tic, it's VERY difficult for me not to get my feelings hurt. I like my friends. I want to spend time with them. I want to dooooooooo stuff with them. I'm not even picky about what we do!But because they are introverts & need to recharge at home, I get a lot of nos. As an extrovert, these nos scream out 'I don't want to be your friend.'

I know that is not the message my friends are trying to send me, but repeated nos send that message. (At least I think I know...maybe it is the message they are trying to send me.) I'm not saying it's not ok for introverts to stay home & recharge. I do totally get it. I even have my moments when I just want to be home. But if the answer I most often get is no... It makes it really difficult to know whether or not I'm getting the brush off. Eventually I just quit trying, because continued nos translate to 'they don't like me' in the extroverts mind.

So my dear introverted friends, I'm sorry I annoy you with my repeated requests to dooooooo things. With people. With you, because I like you. I'm sorry. I honestly don't know how to make this better. In the same way that introverts say 'it's who I am,' I have to say 'it's who I am.'

Maybe I need to make a bigger pool of friends, so that I always have people to hang out with?!?!? Sigh.

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Breathe

Oh Abilene. Can a town cause a person to have anxiety? I roll into Abilene to pick of the girls & pretty much the entire time we are here, I spend trying to calm myself as I am as wound up as a person can be. In fact, we are almost to Clyde & I still can't breathe right.

I know that many of you LOVE Abilene & that you'll look at this post like I need a place in the looney bin, but I don't love Abilene. Abilene may not hold more negative memories than positive, but the negative memories are indeed the strongest, apparently.

I tried to make a list of things I'll miss, but that list was very short & was just the names of a handful of friends that I wish I could take me. I've lived in Abilene for 32 years and what I'll miss are a HANDFUL of friends. Did you catch that?! It is very clear to me that I don't 'fit' in Abilene. I never have. I ask too many questions & am too outspoken to every truly fit.

So as I watch Abilene disappear in my rear view mirror, I just wanted to say 'goodbye for now' to that handful of friends. Our paths will cross again. I'm sorry if you felt like I snuck out without saying my proper goodbyes, I just simply needed out.

Almost to Baird & I can finally breathe again....

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