Moving on...

Starting a new blog. I will slowly move some of my favorite posts from here to there, but my days of feeling guilty about being a Rebellious Child are done and this blog will eventually be archived. 

The new blog is http://followingmyarrowwhereveritpoints.blogspot.com/ . 

Responsibility

Have you ever scrolled through social media & thought 'that person has clearly lost it' & then kept scrolling?

I saw a post this morning that made me question someone's mental state. But did I message them & check on them? Well, no of course not.... I don't have time to deal w/their crazy. Did I message their spouse & ask if they were ok? Well no, it's just really not my business.

Mental illness isn't a joke. It also isn't something to be ignored. So why don't we check on the metal health status of our friends? Why don't we say 'hey, you seem to be in a funk lately' to someone that's clearly not acting like themselves?!

Who's responsibility is mental illness? If your friends & family aren't willing to address your crazy, who's responsibility is it? The person who's obviously losing it? Yeah, because that's going to happen!



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This. This. Is. Important.

This. This. This. This. This. This. This. 

http://jezebel.com/the-most-important-thing-teen-girls-should-do-but-dont-1563444100?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

I have had this very conversation so many times. I love this quote from the article: "If you're wondering why any of this matters, I'll tell you. Orgasms are good for you. And masturbation means no partner or drama required. Have a migraine? Masturbate. Feeling stuck creatively? Masturbate. Feeling blue? Masturbate. Can't sleep? Masturbate. Mired in stress? Low self-esteem? Sex drive in low gear? Chronic pain? Masturbation is good for what ails you" (Block 2014). 

Last semester, several female students and I had this EXACT conversation before Qualitative Theory. I left class, went home and talked to my daughters about masturbation. I even offered to put bullets in their stocking. The responses I got ranged from hands over their ears to "too far Mom, too far" (which is the standard response when I say something shocking to my daughters). 

We joke about boys masturbating on TV, movies and even in casual conversations with friends. My friend Jess and I have joked a lot about how she doesn't pick up her sons socks off the floor anymore after watching a Weeds episode. If we are all about equality, why are we not all about sexual equality? What is it about female masturbation that freaks us all out... both male and female? Our bodies are not gross. Masturbating is not gross. 

I sent the article to just about everyone I can think of... my best friends, my daughters, my more liberal friends with daughters and then I got the courage to share it on facebook. Crickets I tell  you, crickets. I share an article about anything else and people BLOW UP MY FEED. But masturbation... crickets. O_o WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? 

I'm not that different than you...

This morning, I was discussing with a friend the reasoning behind why I share what I do on facebook, knowing that it is going to make people dislike me or cause conflict (and if you know me, you know I HATEEEEE conflict). 

My answer? Because my posts are usually about educating people to things they may have not been aware of before. I mean, I wasn't aware 10 years ago. 

Guess what guys... I am not all that different than you are. I grew up in those same religiously conservative families as you. Hell, my parents had a poster of Ronald Reagan laminated & on the wall. I was also in church EVERY TIME THE DOORS OPENED. I truly believed all that I was indoctrinated into both politically and religiously. 

Here's the thing though... 

1. I didn't know I was in an abusive marriage or that my family had verbally abusive tendencies until I took an interpersonal communication course that enlightened me to how people really should speak to each other. 

2. I didn't realize the damage that could be done by using yelling as a communication technique, until I did research for a graduate class. I was in my 20's with two kids... 

3. I HONESTLY thought the people who used welfare came from generational users of the system... until I started to do research into who uses the system. 

4. I was pro-life, until I REALLY looked into abortion and who uses the services and why they use them. 

5. I was a good ole Southern Baptist, until I researched how the denomination came about (racism) and did a little reading of my own and realized how WRONG we are about what the Bible really says. 

You are always free to ignore my posts. You can dislike me for who I've become. I won't say that it doesn't bother me, because it does. I don't like knowing that some of you think I'm just an idiot liberal who has been manipulated by the education system. 

But here's the thing. That abortion post I posted this morning? Yeah... I had three people text me their stories and tell me that they agreed with my about education. Why did they text me? Because they didn't want to deal with the persecution of their family, peers and even jobs. O_o THIS. IS. A. PROBLEM. 

So I will continue to annoy you with my posts and you can continue to think I'm a liberal idiot. BUT... if one person reads something I've posted and it causes them to rethink their previous way of thinking... I feel that it's worth it. 

Holidays

I have been trying to figure out why St. Patrick's Day is my favorite 'holiday' all morning (instead of doing my homework). I think I finally figured it out.

No, it's not the beer, even though I do love a couple of beers, I'm not the lush many of you think I am.

It's not all the green clothing & accessories, even though green is my favorite color & I'm all about waking up knowing what I'm going to wear for the day!

It's not even my Irish roots (biological last name is McCubbin), that I know very little about, other than everyone dies from Diabetes & Alcoholism in that family tree.

My love of this day has everything to do with friends & fellowship. Most other holidays remind me that my family relationships are complicated & frustrating. But this day? This day is all about friendships. It's all about being around the people who encourage me daily & acting silly. (I mean, come on, green glasses & shamrock headbands?)

So enjoy your 'holiday' & love the people who brighten your day!




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Perception...

The girls have been complaining a lot that Jasen is cranky. While I have witnessed the behavior that the girls refer to as 'mean' or 'cranky,' I would not describe it as such. I mean, maybe it's that I think he has every right to 'get onto' the girls for not picking up their crap, that I think he isn't cranky? Maybe it's because I have recently become more aware of the fact that the girls are entitled and spoiled and lazy, that I haven't been bothered by his tone of voice? Maybe it's because I realize that he is doing his best to quit smoking and as long as he isn't yelling, I could honestly care less about his tone, as long as he doesn't pick up a cigarette? Idk. 

It seems to me that 'cranky' is all about perception. The girls do not like to be in trouble, but they like to be lazy more than they don't like to be in trouble. If that weren't the case, they would likely PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES so that neither Jasen, nor I, had to get onto them? Right?????? Additionally, it is our job (Jasen and I) to parent the children. Parenting means pointing out habits that will make you a bad adult... LIKE LEAVING YOUR CRAP OUT EVERYWHERE. Right? Perhaps instead of pointing fingers at the person who loves you unconditionally, YOU SHOULD PICK UP YOUR CRAP??!!!??!!

I'm sure you are sensing a theme. We would like the girls to pick up after themselves. We would like a clean house. Neither of us thinks this is an unrealistic expectation. 

Additionally... the girls seem to have forgotten what life was like pre-Jasen. They seem to have forgotten how TOXIC the house they spent much of their childhood in was. They seem to have forgotten the negativity. They seem to have forgotten cowering in the corner. It's not bad that they have forgotten, but I have not. I have not forgotten the hate. I have not forgotten taking the brunt of their father's wrath, because I was protecting them. I have not forgotten the fear in their eyes and in mine. I remember. 

Maybe Jasen is being 'cranky' and 'mean' and I just can't see it, because I still remember how bad it was in our old life, but I doubt it. 

Again... it's all about perception, huh? 

You're not my type...

Such a hard lesson to learn when a boy says those words to a teenage girl. But here's the thing kiddo, you don't want to be his type.

1. He made fun of the little emo girl, which says he's a bully & doesn't understand differences.
2. He accused you of cutting, just because you defended little emo girl, which says he lacks compassion.
3. He said skateboarding was not for girls & that it was a manly thing to do, which quite honestly says he's either got some insecurities or is being raised in an awfully sexist home.
4. He called you Malibu... Like the Barbie. Yes it's a cute little nickname, but you are so much more than your long legs & blonde hair.

So sweet girl, be his friend. Show him compassion. Model for him what it means to be a caring & compassionate person. But do not waste any tears over this boy, because quite honestly, he's not YOUR type.


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Selfishness

The girls told me this morning that moving was only for Jasen & I and not for them. They also said that they hated it here & are only here to be with me.

Yay. They wanted to be with me. I've ruined their lives, but they are here, because they need to be with me.

I've never really done anything completely for me, since they've been born. I stayed married to their dad for them. (You know, the whole stay married for your children thing.) I divorced their dad for them & me. (You know, protect your children from the abusive, toxic house they live in thing.) I stayed in the town I hated for them too.

Yes, this move is about me continuing my education. (How selfish of me.) But this move is also about a lot more. It's about showing my kids that there is life outside of conservative hell. It's about showing them a place where being a feminist is ok. It's about showing them a place where people can be whoever they are without judgement & discrimination.

They don't see any of that yet. I hope they do at some point.

For now, I'll just sit here and cry because I've ruined my children's lives, because I'm selfish.


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Introverts vs. Extroverts

I get it. Introverts need time at home. That's how they recharge their batteries. I am an extrovert. My batteries get recharged by being around people I like. In theory, this should be no problem.

BUT IT'S A BIG PROBLEM...

But only because I ATTRACT introverts.

About 98% of my friends describe themselves as introverts. While I understand what makes an introvert tic, it's VERY difficult for me not to get my feelings hurt. I like my friends. I want to spend time with them. I want to dooooooooo stuff with them. I'm not even picky about what we do!But because they are introverts & need to recharge at home, I get a lot of nos. As an extrovert, these nos scream out 'I don't want to be your friend.'

I know that is not the message my friends are trying to send me, but repeated nos send that message. (At least I think I know...maybe it is the message they are trying to send me.) I'm not saying it's not ok for introverts to stay home & recharge. I do totally get it. I even have my moments when I just want to be home. But if the answer I most often get is no... It makes it really difficult to know whether or not I'm getting the brush off. Eventually I just quit trying, because continued nos translate to 'they don't like me' in the extroverts mind.

So my dear introverted friends, I'm sorry I annoy you with my repeated requests to dooooooo things. With people. With you, because I like you. I'm sorry. I honestly don't know how to make this better. In the same way that introverts say 'it's who I am,' I have to say 'it's who I am.'

Maybe I need to make a bigger pool of friends, so that I always have people to hang out with?!?!? Sigh.

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Breathe

Oh Abilene. Can a town cause a person to have anxiety? I roll into Abilene to pick of the girls & pretty much the entire time we are here, I spend trying to calm myself as I am as wound up as a person can be. In fact, we are almost to Clyde & I still can't breathe right.

I know that many of you LOVE Abilene & that you'll look at this post like I need a place in the looney bin, but I don't love Abilene. Abilene may not hold more negative memories than positive, but the negative memories are indeed the strongest, apparently.

I tried to make a list of things I'll miss, but that list was very short & was just the names of a handful of friends that I wish I could take me. I've lived in Abilene for 32 years and what I'll miss are a HANDFUL of friends. Did you catch that?! It is very clear to me that I don't 'fit' in Abilene. I never have. I ask too many questions & am too outspoken to every truly fit.

So as I watch Abilene disappear in my rear view mirror, I just wanted to say 'goodbye for now' to that handful of friends. Our paths will cross again. I'm sorry if you felt like I snuck out without saying my proper goodbyes, I just simply needed out.

Almost to Baird & I can finally breathe again....

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