Saturday, May 06, 2006

Random Thoughts

My husband is in the playroom with the girls right now... painting their toenails. I love that he is willing to do that for them... and they love it to. Their pedicures are the reward they get for cleaning their rooms without too much drama. Their rooms took a total of 6 hrs to clean. When I say clean I should clarify that I wanted them mommy kind-of clean... everything in its place... which usually takes forever to get done. It normally isn't so bad, but since school has been so hectic I am pretty sure the rooms haven't been deep cleaned since Christmas break. Now... if I can just convince them to maintain the clean rooms and then we won't have to suffer through this again.

Yesterday I went to Target and my oldest daughter proceeded to tell me that I had not bought her anything in soooooooooo long... I must not love her. WHAT?!! I gently reminded her that in the past 2 months I have managed to buy each of them 5 new church outfits as well as t-shirts and capris. How easy she forgets the arguments I have had with her father over money spent that he deems unnecessary. My heart hurts when she says things like that... especially when I feel like I do a lot for them that they do not appreciate. Any advice out there for how to handle this attitude?

--jessica

7 comments:

Sarah said...

Be sure that when you DO buy them something, you don't present it to them as love, other than taking care of their needs. Also, point out things you DO that equal love, instead of things that you GIVE. Finally, be aware that your daughter's love language must be gifts. Warn her fiance'.

janjanmom said...

Be sure to read this post when you are angry with your hubby so you can remind yourself, he paints the kids toenails. Should be a sure anger buster!!

No advice for you, we are very sparse with the buying of things and yet somehow, the girls still often act like spoiled brats!

Rebecca said...

I think I would have a toddler-style meltdown if one of my kids used the words "Buy" and "Love" in the same syllogism. It's an utterly foreign juxtaposition to me. My roommate's love language was gifts, and you should have heard the crazy assumptions she made about a guy's feelings for her, based on how little or how much money he spent on her. I still have no clue how to go about reasoning with that kind of logic, although I did try. And I hope I don't ever have to deal with it again, but I'm pretty sure it's bound to come up at some point, especially ten years from now when I have three preteen to teenage girls in the house together. Good luck!

jessica said...

I took the love language test and one of my love languages is def gifts... the other was words of affirmation. So I do understand how easily gifts become linked with love. I guess what bothers me is that she acts like I NEVER do anything for her. This isn't a new issue... we've been having problems since little sister came along. Megan just doesn't feel like she is enough... or that we love her enough... and I don't know how to fix it. I know I am partly to blame... I am not the most loving and affectionate person... I have a tendency to be selfish... etc etc... I know at some level I can be blamed for her issues. I wonder how I've screwed the youngest up?

Roxanne said...

This isn't advice--just an observation from my own life. . .I so often see myself in my daughter that it's scary. I mean S-C-A-R-Y.

Like how she worries when I'm not home at the exact time I'm supposed to be (I used to do this with my own mom), or how she feels guilty when anyone is upset even if she's not the cause (I am still working on NOT being a pleaser at the age of 36), or how she can talk, non-stop, without even breathing for several minutes even though no one has expressed the slightest interest in what she is saying. . .case in point--this entire paragraph.

Point being. . .you said one of your love languages is gifts. . .and it appears that's one of your daughter's too. . .apples don't fall far from trees, you know. When I see my own little apple lying next to the tree that is me, my tendency is to jump all over her for the offensive behavior--mainly because I see it in myself. In my more patient and lucid moments, what I TRY to do is tell her that I was/felt/thought the EXACT SAME WAY as she does. . . and here is how I feel now, and here is a way to deal with a tendency that may not always be good.

I can't tell you if it's worked yet--she's only 7. But I will tell you that on Friday night her brother was upset about something, and pouting, and she was not in any way, shape, or form responsible for his hurt feelings, but she said, "Mommy, I just don't like it when Thad is upset because it makes me upset. . .and it must be that guilt thing you told me about."

All we can do is let them know that we know how they feel--and give them a way to deal with it. Even if you don't see a change right away, you and I both know from the experience of being daughter's ourselves that our mother is the voice we hear in our heads. . .your girl knows you love her.

Roxanne said...

. . .and I used the possessive of daughters when it should have been the plural instead but don't have the heart to trash the comment. . .it's time for bed. . .and I will pray for all of us mother's and daughters while I'm at it.

jessica said...

Roxanne, Thanks for your advice and your prayers. I do think you are right. I have been praying about my struggles with Meg and I think that many of the places I find fault in her are the same places that I struggle with. I will try to use your advice and point out to her that I understand why she feels this way... and that I have felt it too... we'll see if it works. Thanks, again!